Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Our Union

Restless is the way I feel as I walk round the big house, thinking. Worry has caused a big crease on my forehead, making me look much older than I am....

How do I explain to my in-laws , my family that my husband is dead? How do I tell them he died in the arms of his lover and that the said lover had just summoned me to court.

My name is Amara obviously from the eastern part of Nigeria, and I married a man from a different tribe- Olu. We met when I went to get my MSc degree in South Africa. Olu had been living there for awhile training to be a pilot. The night we met was one like most nights, at the club a stone throw from campus. He was charming, funny and he wooed me almost instantly. We had already dated for 2 years before the difference in our tribes started to trouble us. We wanted to be together so badly, and started to plan our wedding. We visited both his parents and mine in Nigeria, and introductions were done. My family accepted his totally, but I was unlucky with his family. His mother already had a Yoruba girl that she wanted Olu to marry, and saw me as the stumbling block.

Olu and I eventually got married after series of argument, and troubles. We settled in South Africa since we both got well paying jobs in the country. The fact that Olu's mother loathed the sight of me, made me eagerly accept to move permanently to South Africa.

Seven years down the line, I had become more of a career woman and mother than a wife. Olu started having an affair just 3 weeks after we said our vows and he didn't even hide it. He did not hide the different girls warming his bed. In the bid to have a peaceful home, my husband took my gentleness for granted. My two girls hardly know their father. A few months ago, Olu confessed his lover was carrying his child- his son, he had called it. To say I was furious is an understatement and to top it up, I had absolutely no one to talk to. My parents were no longer interested in the affairs of my life, and his family weren't my biggest fans. According to his cousin, Olu had already taken the South African born Yoruba girl home to his family and she was given a grander welcome than I was. They had even gone ahead and done a traditional marriage.  Olu and I started having heated arguments about her, until he opted to leave and move in with her.

Today, I got the news that my husband died a week ago (less than 2 months after he left me), and his lover is suing me for child support for a baby she hasn't even delivered yet. I am still Olu's legal wife both in Nigeria and South Africa and I have been his next of kin long before we got married. It's obviously time to go back to Nigeria with my girls but how do I face his family?

Wednesday, 23 December 2015


You know how it feels when you meet a guy suddenly after suffering a massive heart break, and that guy seems to be exactly what you needed? The life saver that would rescue you from self destruction? The one that suddenly happens to be the only one that makes you believe in yourself and the world? That's how I felt a few years ago. Kola was my dream man, actually he is every woman's dream.

We met through a mutual friend of ours and everything picked up on its own. We got swept up in the attention, sweet talks, laughters and surprises we gave each other. We talked at length, and got to knew each other fairly well. It was like Allah had finally heard my plea and decided it was time to make me happy. Kola and I had the same religious beliefs- Islam, and we were both from the Yoruba tribe. To crown it all, we had a matching state of origin. This convinced me beyond any reasonable doubt that we were meant to be together. When we talk, it was filled with intelligence, knowledge, and understanding. We made jokes and shared stories. It was the best month of my life getting to know one another. I started to understand Kola a bit better and did everything to make him happy. As far as I was concerned, I was in love with Kolapo and he loved me too, hopelessly. I called him every night, and we sent each other text messages all day- everyday. We talked about our families and how they would take the news of us getting married. We picked baby names and decided possible places to live. All was perfect, except "we had to keep us a secret"...

By the second month, Kola and I had settled into a comfortable rhythm. I felt like he loved me wholeheartedly, so I never questioned his reason for wanting us to remain a secret. He started asking to see me, he wanted to spend quality time with me alone. He wanted us to be together. Initially, I eagerly agreed and we planned to meet at his friend's apartment the next weekend. A couple of days of thinking and anticipating however, changed my mind and I called him to change venue to a cinema. He told me he was unhappy with the development but would accept it.

It's not like I suspected any ulterior motives on his part oo, but I was born into a very religious family and I have grown to be a very religious young lady. It's bad enough that I had to court a man in secret (which is apparently a sin), but it's even worse that I am willing to go out on a date with him without any chaperone. This is what scared me enough to change our plans. We saw a movie and it was fun. Kolapo never missed an opportunity to touch me; initially it was subtle but by the end of the day it had gotten bolder. I wasn't entirely comfortable with his touches, but I loved him and should tolerate it right?

The third month passed, and I talked to Kolapo again about meeting his siblings at least. I had told my brother about him and he was eager to meet the guy I had fallen in love with. Kolapo gave me excuses again as to why he felt it best to hide our relationship until our wedding, and I let it go again. After six beautiful months of having the perfect relationship, Kolapo was finally able to coerce me into having sexual intercourse with him. He assured me right after that it wouldn't matter much as we would soon get married anyway. That day, he also promised to take me home to meet his family the next week. He told me how happy his family would be to see me with him. I daydreamed and imagined all sort of scenarios with his family- my husband's family, and I was tremendously happy.

By the second week (after a second go in my pants), Kolapo suddenly stopped picking my calls. He stopped replying my text messages, and all my effort to contact him went futile. That I was heartbroken is an understatement. At first I was worried, then I was scared, later I got angry, and then frustrated, before resigning to fate.

I found out I was pregnant the day I got his email (about 2 months after he went MIA). He told me how sorry he was that things couldn't work out between us. He also took the liberty to tell me he was getting married that morning and would love my forgiveness before the new chapter in his life began. Yes! I was angry all over again as you can imagine, but I did not fall apart. I told my family about him and my pregnancy. They took it bad. My brother took every turn to remind me how stupid I was, my mother reminded me always that I had embarrassed her amongst friends and religious peers, my father as good as disowned me the minute he heard I was breeding a 'bastard'. Life got hard, and I spent every second of the day seeking Allah's forgiveness.

I'm not sure if I've been forgiven as my parents refuse to forget, but I got a good job with a private company, I raise my 5year old son alone, and I have started all over again in a different environment. I was beginning to have a new shot at happiness until I opened my door on a peaceful Sunday afternoon to Kolapo's tear-stained face staring back at me pleading...

Saturday, 31 October 2015

L. I. A. R.

I'm a liar.

I slumped on the couch as I finally told myself the truth. I am a pathetic pathological liar, and its catching up with me.  I lie about any and everything these days, and I can't seem to stop.

It actually started some years ago when I did something wrong and lied about it. Ever since, I haven't been able to stop lying. I lied when my beau first asked me out. I lied about a lot of things while getting to know him. I didn't think I was wrong initially, afterall I was only trying to elevate myself in d presence of a "big boy". His father was then, the Nigerian Ambassador to the United States of America. I, however am the daughter of two traders. It's not like my family was poverty striken, no we weren't. We had enough to eat and lived a fairly comfortable life. Even though my parents had to struggle to feed us and still give us (2 children) a good education, we were quite happy. At least we weren't begging, we would always say in a bid to be optimistic. I loved my life, and felt somewhat content with it, until I met Bidemi. Abidemi was every woman's dream, he was my dream come true. Initially, I didn't understand what the fuss was about in the girls hostel when he made an appearance but after see how amazing he looked, and heard of his wealthy background, I fell in love. I never tried to get his attention at first. This is a wealthy guy, he wouldn't even take notice of me. I was so sure he would only date models and "big girls".

On a faithful Friday that I will never forget even if I tried hard enough, I met him. I actually met THE Abidemi physically and he spoke to me. I was in the canteen, alone as usual when he came in with another friend of his. He was so polite, asked if they could share my table with me. Of course I could only say "yes", through the whole 2 minutes!. After about another 10 minutes, he asked my name- I was so scared, and told him the first attractive name that came to mind- Sharon. Sharon?! I am Omosalewa Adetoun. What the hell did I just do? I quickly shoved that thought aside as Bidemi commented on my name. "Beautiful name for a princess", he had said. We shared contacts, and I just couldn't believe my luck! The most sort after guy had just shown interest in me, or had he?. To say I was on the moon, would have been an understatement.

Three years later, we were together and going strong. By this time I had lied about my name, my family, my friends. In short, everything Bidemi knew about me had been a lie. I thought I was doing it for the greater good, if only I had known it would haunt me.
Bidemi took me home to his family. His father was now an Honourable Minister of the country. I was so excited! I could truly say he was in love with me, although not as much as I was smitten with him. I practically worshipped him!. Bidemi proposed to me at my graduation party. It was my every dream come true. Until, of course we started planning the wedding. I had lied that my parents lived in Mexico but had brought me to Nigeria to live with an aunt. And I had lied that my aunt's family was struggling because of her husband's pride to get help from my family. Bidemi was more than ready to go to Mexico just to meet my family, and invite them to our wedding. Bidemi's parents, although rich, were as cultured as anyone could be. They insisted that they had to meet my family first, as a means of introduction, before deciding on an actual date for our wedding. They too were either ready to go to Mexico, or await my parents arrival in Nigeria. I knew Bidemi loved me very much, and his mother adored me. What I didn't know was whether they both loved me for the person I am, or for the person I lied to be.

I have contemplated many things to get out of my predicament. Pray for a plane crash to occur and lie my parents were in the plane, or come clean and tell the only man I have ever loved that everything he thought he knew about me, was a lie! None seemed appealing to do. So, I'm starting to think I should just run away. Cut my losses, and go somewhere it's difficult to locate me. I'm thinking the north, or maybe the east. Wherever life takes me, I sincerely hope you find true happiness in the arms of a more deserving lady.
I am extremely sorry that I could only leave a letter to say goodbye, but do find it in your heart to forgive me. Believe me that I decided I had to save you from me. If I didn't leave, the lies would never stop. The bag delivered with this letter contains every gift you've ever given me, including my engagement ring.

I love you always...

Omosalewa Adetoun,
Your Beloved.

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Self Worth!

I'm so sorry I haven't posted any topic for awhile, its been a crazy month. Between work, making sure I remain healthy, starting and sustaining my businesses, making money one way or another, trying to look beautiful in a different way, staying calm amidst family drama, trying hard to ignore all talks of marriage by the family, and chasing off guys! Whew*, what a month it has been!.

Regardless of how long it's been though, you all know that when I have something in mind, I just have to express it. I remember I was in the kitchen making dinner the night I heard about the 'educated female doctor' who died and whose husband was suspected to have been involved in her death. I stared blankly at the television set wondering if I had heard the news right; I mean, this is a matured, educated DOCTOR married to another educated DOCTOR and this sorta thing happens? Even if it is just an hypothesis that he was involved in her death, I know there is never a flame without fire. If he hadn't been abusing his wife physically, mentally or emotionally, then nobody would think that he must have killed his wife.

I must be a sorry excuse for an activist, but I still believe that the little things go a long way. Please, let's educate ourselves- especially the younger generation. It is NEVER cool to hit a woman, no matter the circumstances; and it definitely IS NOT your duty to remain in an abusive relationship. Nobody says you have to remain with a man if he abuses you in any way, in fact I would never advice it. Do we have to introduce "behavioural studies" in school to learn how to treat our women? And do the women need more sense before learning when to walk out of a relationship? We really need to teach our daughters about self worth and love. If you appreciate yourself and are proud to be a woman, then you do not need a man to survive in this world. You should never ever tolerate an abusive man in your life. Understand that abusive men are the wife murderers we hear of today. You cannot change a man, and if he has ever abused you in one way or the other, it will never stop. An abuser, when provoked can shorten your life in a minute.

Now, how does an educated man get to the point of murdering his educated wife and why did the educated woman (with a good job) not leave earlier before it lead to her demise?
An abusive man can only pretend for so long. If he's abusive, you'll see it early in the relationship- most likely by the 6th month. If he's a really good actor, you'll catch a glimpse of at least the verbal abuse by the 8th month. If you are not trying to deceive yourself, then you cannot miss it. An abusive man is an abusive man, plain and simple. Don't make things complicated by trying to convince yourself that verbal abuse is vastly different from physical abuse. It's not very different, and verbal abuse usually ends up becoming physical. If a man lacks the sense to encourage his woman to be great, or try to make her successfully independent to depend on no one, then I do not see the point of being with that man. A man that diminishes his woman's self worth and crushes her confidence in herself is abusive, and does not deserve any woman in his life. If as a woman, you are confident and know your worth, you would never give room for an abusive relationship. It's not just about being educated any more, as even our literate girls are falling victim of abusive relationships, it's now about principle, self worth, self love, and confidence. Our society has embraced abuse for far too long and it's taking more lives daily. Let us educate ourselves in what little way we can. Is it really worth it sticking with a man when he has psychological issues and believes in physically hitting a woman he weighs double her size? I don't think it is, but I am only one person.

Let's teach our daughters that they can become whatever they want in life without depending on a man to achieve it. And lets teach our boys that women are meant to fly, and if they are lucky enough to find a successful woman with self love, they should make themselves worthy of her attention.

Con amor

Saturday, 10 October 2015

plea for help

For a few months now, I could not write. Not that I lost my words or the passion I have for writing, but I just found myself without the zeal to write. Anything! I've been killing myself slowly with worry on the direction my life is taking.

My life is a combination of jumbled mess. I fail in every thing I do, I fail in my thoughts, I fail in my passions, and I even fail in my own talents. I'm not trying to sound pitiful as some automatically assume, I'm just telling myself the truth. I have lied through my teeth, pretending to be 'doing just fine', when in reality I'm actually messed up. Another thing I fail in, is my religion. I fail in my relationship with God, and I did not want to confront it until now. I have disappointed my Lord over and over again without thinking of how I may have been hurting him. I have ignored my creator just because things weren't going in a way I wanted it to.

A wake up call geared me into remorse, that came in the form of my own sister that I love more than myself, my friend who I can actually count on, and my favourite TV show. If the Lord isn't trying to tell me something with all these, then I don't know how else he could reach out to me.  He loves me so much that he's been trying to lead me from my path of self destruct and I've just been too stubborn to take a breath and heed him.
I am sorry oh Lord! and if I could say it in every language in the world, I would. I have recognized my wrong, and I'm willing to come back to you. Lead me aright Lord; Help me cultivate a lifetime bond with you; Teach me how to do right by you; Forgive my trespasses; and love me unconditionally as you have done all my life!

..... Don't give up on your daughter now Ya Allah; Don't give up on me. Please!


Friday, 26 June 2015

Pretti Pinku

I need to use this medium (which is the only real thing I have anyway) to wish my friend and sister from way back a HAPPY MARRIED LIFE. Miss Titilayo Faluyi, turned Mrs Titilayo Uyi got married to her heartthrob on her birth day, the 20th Day of June, 2015.
Ado Ekiti received visitors from far and wide to witness the occasion, and regardless of the distance, we all went to felicitate with our girl. It was so nice to be with old friends, and to just be happy watching someone else's happiness. Honestly, I don't think there is a greater joy than that. I felt like a proud big sister, and I couldn't help it. If you knew her when and like I did, I'm certain you would feel the same.
Kindly join me in wishing her and her husband a fulfilling and prosperous and many blessed married years together! May the Almighty Lord grant your desires in every aspect of your life dear.

Con amor!


Have you noticed that as we celebrate more birthdays in life, our topic of discussion tends to change. We stop talking about ‘toasters’ at a certain age; we stop talking about boyfriends and their attitudes; we stop talking about our ability to play games in relationship. Our conversations starts getting more serious and are mostly dominated by husbands, soul mates, life partners, et al. We start complaining about the lack of suitors, we complain about un-serious guys, and such. I recently had a chat with a girlfriend who’s a couple of years older than I am, and I felt disgusted when I later reflected on our conversation that we didn't actually talk about anything of note. We only talked about MEN..

What struck me particularly as odd is that she had resigned to fate and was no longer comfortable with her single status. She expressed her fear of being a spinster, fear of being judged, and fear of remaining alone all her life! I was shocked that one person could have so many fears concerning the same issue, when I am deliberately staying away from men and the likes. My friend, bearing in mind her single status and her fears, made the unconscious decision to get her father to arrange her marriage. When I pointed this out, she starting getting scared to actually go through with it knowing well that it would seal up her fate! You could see her confusion when I began trying to dissuade her from her dangerous line of thought. To further confuse her however, I asked if she could sign a marriage contract for convenience and she said “God forbid”! My question, what’s the difference in what you are about doing and getting married for convenience? What’s wrong in signing a contract with a man and specifying agreed terms into it?! At least, then you can express your desire before going into it.

If you’re not sure of the deal you are getting, is it really worth it to do it? You need to recognize the difference between what you deserve and what you are settling for. Arranging your own marriage without details of what you are getting into is bad enough; asking a parent to arrange your marriage blindly is just a terrible idea. As I always tell my mother: times have changed, what you accepted from my father early in marriage can never go down well with me. Honestly, arranged marriages work well for some people and they live happily with growing love but it fails horribly for others. I just don’t think it is ideal in this century any more. My father may make the best choices for me when it comes to some life choices, but he can never know the kind of man I want as a partner. Hell! Even I am not certain of the kind of man I want.

Con amor

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

The Real Reason The Hottest Girls Never Have Boyfriends!

-Culled from
I came across this post, and i had to repost it (with a few corrections). I honestly couldn't have said it better!

I don’t know where or when it started, but sometime or another we decided a woman’s worth was dependent on her relationship status. We decided if a girl was hot, she must have a boyfriend. If she didn't, something was wrong with her. She was inadequate. She was not date-able. We were told “all the good ones have boyfriends” and all the rest are crazy. If she couldn't find a man, it’s because she couldn't keep one.

Did no one ever think maybe she just didn't want one?

Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe it’s because she can’t find anyone worthy of her time? Did it ever cross anyone’s mind that the most beautiful women are too good to settle for just anyone?

I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but it seems the most valuable, beautiful and secure women never have boyfriends. Because when they see couples, all they see is settling — something they will never do. They won’t be in a relationship for the sake of it and most definitely won’t give in to societal pressures that say they’re better off with a man. They’re strong and secure enough to wait alone for the right one.
It’s the hot ones who don’t need validation through a relationship. It’s the women who are confident enough to know themselves outside of someone else. And it’s always the hot ones who are judged much more harshly than anyone else.

Because they don’t trust guys’ intentions

Most of the guys they meet are either assh*les, douchebags or looking for something. They've had too many bad experiences to fully trust when they’re having a good one. They’re always waiting for the bottom to drop or the true motives to reveal themselves. It’s hard to meet the people in front of you when you’re always looking behind you and over your shoulder.

Because everyone usually assumes they already have boyfriends

When you see a hot guy, you’re less likely to go up to him because you assume he’s sleeping with some model or taken by someone. You’re less likely to go up to him because you figure there’s more to lose. The same goes with hot women. If you assume she’s taken, why waste your time talking to her?

Because they’re as insecure as anyone else

Even if they’re confident being single, they’re not completely immune to society’s constant judgements. They know in their hearts they’re fine without a man, but when you hear someone ask you why you don’t have one every day, year after year, it can wear on you. It may not seem like it, but hot women don’t always feel hot.

Because people make unfair assumptions

I'm not saying hot people have it harder; that’s just obnoxious. Complaining you have a rough life because people only want to have sex with you sounds like a bad Paris Hilton quote circa 2005. But it is true that when people only want to have sex with you, they don’t think much about anything more with you. A lot of times, they assume if you’re hot, you’re dull or stupid.It’s always a “shocking surprise” when a hot girl doesn't talk in a baby voice or just want to talk about her favourite reality show.
Unfortunately, for all the intelligent and beautiful women out there, they’re stuck fighting that stigma.
Because most of the guys bold enough to talk to them are assh*les It’s the age-old phenomenon none of us can explain. The only people with the confidence and game to hit on you are the people who shouldn't be in the game at all.
It’s always the douchebags who try to pick up the hot single girls. And it’s the good guys who always have girlfriends or are too insecure or shy to make a move.
Like those bad middle school dances, all the wrong people are pairing up.

Because people are afraid of the unknown

Hot single women are a conundrum – people don’t know what to make of them. People think if they try to date a hot single woman, she will just end up breaking their hearts. People think they must have crazy exes or are the crazy exes. People think they are stupid, shallow or judgemental. People think because a hot woman is single, something must be wrong with her. Everyone’s forming hypotheses, but no one has the balls to test them out.

Because they’d rather not settle

Unlike everyone around them, they know what they deserve and aren't scared to stay true to it. Beautiful single girls aren't scared to go out alone or admit they don’t have anyone waiting for them at home. They know being with someone wrong is just going to delay meeting that perfect someone. They’re not scared to wait it out; they’re hot enough to get through the cold streak.

- Culled from

Monday, 1 June 2015

Self LOVE!

Looked through my past status today, and its so hard to believe i was complaining about "feeling and looking old" only 10 months ago. I wasn't even this old then, and I feel bliss at the moment. Life has a funny way of seeming brighter when you have something to look forward to everyday!

I still love the same people- my family!, still have the same friends but I may have started feeling more at peace with myself lately. I have made more friends this year than I've made in the past 5 years altogether, and I've reconnected with some old pals: all in a few months! I am more focused at work, I seem to know the track I'm on these days, I do know what I want from life. I have realised the hard way that life is not always what you wish it to be, and you've just got to grab on hard to stay on the ride. I'm staying on my ride, caring less about what people think by the day.

Although my days are still filled with the same predictable and non-thrilling events, I wake up each day looking forward to learning and doing something new. I started challenging myself in the kitchen, and with my writing. It almost feels like I'm living a new life dictated by ME! I do basically what interests me, and what I know will bring me joy. I make myself happy by simply feeling accomplished.

Oh! there are days I yearn for something more like that huge piece of chocolate cake, but at least it’s usually with a smile on my face! :D

Con amor,


Wednesday, 27 May 2015


I had initially drafted a post about cheating couples in  relationship, until I watched a movie I was very much passionate about. Please bear with me if it looks like I’m repeating the same topic over again. Sometimes, it is necessary to keep stressing the importance of some topics to enlighten those that do not know the true status of women in our society.

The way girls, and eventually women are being treated in Africa is ridiculous. The way we are treated in Nigeria is even worse! Regardless of the part of the world they’re settled in, Nigerians always have teachings/morals to in-still into their kids.

A typical Nigerian parent teaches her beautiful daughter to be ashamed of her beauty. We’re taught to dream, but are rarely encouraged to pursue our dreams. We can be intelligent and ace in all aspect of life but we are told not to think in our husband’s home. We are told to let the man lead and we follow in his steps though he may be more clueless than we are. We are taught to be grateful to men that they took notice of us in the first place, and possibly worship the ground they walk on if/when they do marry us. We learn early that we will be expected to satisfy our husbands (and in many cases, his family) in every way, holding our own needs back. We are told not to be more successful than our men, and when we end up achieving more than they, are asked to hide our achievements; they’ll say his ego won’t take it, or that he will not like the thought.

A typical Nigerian lady is brought up feeling incomplete without a man. She doesn’t feel like she has achieved anything in life if she hasn’t signed the “marriage register”. She is almost usually shunned by the society if she simply expresses a desire not to get married; and they assume she isn’t fit to be a mentor to younger girls. She is then told that if she doesn’t invite them back for a naming ceremony 18 months after her wedding, there is a problem. She is taught to worry herself dead and to simply assume she is the one with a problem. She is taught to do whatever is necessary to provide her husband with a child, even if it goes against everything she believes in.

This morning, I didn’t feel like going to work in a strict corporate attire so I dressed myself in a v-necked tee and a black mini skirt. My mother saw me before leaving the house dressed like this and she insinuated that I was roaming around naked. Usually, I’m not a mini skirt sort of girl but I like to change costume some times. I started wondering if my love for trousers was an unconscious decision all along for the fear of being judged if I wore something else, or if it was an honest love for trousers. I always consider myself one of the few Nigerian ladies that actually see what is wrong in our society, but maybe the damage already has been done. I see it, but can I change my thinking about my dressing? I’ve been taught that anything that exposes your thighs/knees downward, shoulders, and part of your cleavage is irresponsible clothing. Looking at the lady I have grown into, I still don’t feel comfortable in attires of such nature.

Con amor

Saturday, 9 May 2015

Best of Both worlds..

I really don't get it. Is it that we have lost all sense of value? of right and wrong as humans? Or is the syndrome particular to the male specie?!
Why would a man in his right senses go and profess love for another woman asides his wife? I truly am confused, and you'll understand why soon enough.

My best friend, shall I say, is a victim of the circumstance called "men". Her ex boyfriend is back professing undying love for her , even though he's married to another. Immediately after his wedding (and I mean the day after), he was already on her case. How he missed her, how he needed her, wanting to make babies with her, and a bunch of silly notions. Now, my friend is currently single so she easily got overwhelmed enough to fall in the trap.... Until she began yearning for much more than he could give. The truth is that no matter how much he claims to love her, he still has to go home to his wife daily, warm her bed, eat her meals, and create a family with her.

In a bid to help my friend, I decided to confront the guy and probably convince him to let go. Things didn't exactly go my way and I ended up more confused than I was at the beginning. The general idea of my conversation with him is as follows;
He loves his wife (shocker!), loves her so much that he would do anything to make her happy. But he also loves my friend. He chose his wife above all others (and there was a substantial number, trust me!) because she's his best friend, understands him like no other, and actually let's him be free to be him! This is the same guy that tells my friend she knows him like no other. Anyway, it so happens that his wife knows about his indiscretions but either doesn't care, or simply chooses to ignore it. (I guess it's a criteria for being wife to your best friend, you know them too well, and let them continue with the bad habits anyway. Knowing you're a Mrs Somebody and married to the man of your dreams should be enough consolation!). He told me truthfully though that the thought of seeing Bisi with another man kills him. Tayo, 'he said' nobody else can love Bisi like I do, only I can make her truly happy. He's currently in the process of getting my friend an apartment and pressuring her for a child. His wife just delivered their first child, and he's still hellbent on having my friend. Before you say its possible because we're in Africa, ask yourself if that was God's idea of marriage when he created man and woman. Might I include that everyone involved are Christians?...

Love or not, I think this is WRONG! I wonder how I would feel knowing that my husband desires another woman asides me or even desire her as he does me, and wants some sort of a life with her. He defines the adage that says"wanting to eat one's cake and have it". My friend was there and he consciously chose another woman as his wife. I don't like to judge, but I think it's safe to assume he didn't choose Bisi then because he thought she was only good enough to be his mistress and not his legal wife.
What then has changed? Nothing! He's still married to his best friend/ love of his life. He's still making a family with his wife.

The next time my friend asked my opinion, I simply told her love is not always enough.

Still your LadyAries!

Monday, 6 April 2015

'living life'

I wouldn't call it giving up, or any thing of sorts, seeing as I don't entertain such worthless emotions.
I would rather use the word- uninterested.
I had a chat with my mother only this afternoon and skilfully broached the subject of my well-hidden desire just to know if it'll be agreeable with her. And of course, I got the cynical look with the popular short and explanatory sentence- `God forbid`. Although I smiled, I couldn't let the subject go. I argued both points in my head and tried analysing what I'd said by thinking if truly God would forbid something that makes me happy or fulfilled. I was told (and I'm still being told) that you need to ask and it shall be given; seek and you shall find. I was told that desiring something wasn't just enough, I also had to ask God for it before he makes it more of a reality than fantasy. So, why then would God forbid a desire that is likely to make me live a better life, simply because it doesn't fall in someone else's category of `living life`.

Fear not, I have not asked too much nor am I making demands, but can't I be a respected lady without hitching another's identity to mine? Think about it ladies. All our lives, we are taught, nurtured, and prepared for that one thing- marriage. There is no assumption that one or two of the bunch may not develop interest in such `normalcy`, because it is naturally expected of us as we attain certain ages/positions to bring home a man (no matter if she might grow to hate him), get hitched, and start living under his identity or even in his shadow. Some of us are even given a deadline to tie the knot... If society dictates that I cannot have my own identity and be respected if I do not have a man attached, then of what point is the education I spent so many years gaining? Since I was taught to think and reason independently.

What is wrong in having no desire to get married? This question has been lingering in my mind longer than the idea of having a boyfriend has. Only I truly know myself and I know that marriage is no bed of roses, maybe that's the reason I've unconsciously dated guys that are not marry-able. I have always desired having a kid or two, but as a single parent. Society may judge me harshly or even shun me, but I can live with it, rather than have an unhappy existence. In fairness to the institution (marriage) though, it is supposedly a wonderful experience and some people are actually happier married. I just don't think it's for me.!
Don't confuse me for what I am not please, I am neither gay nor am I anti-men. On the contrary, I love men and would love to raise a great man one day, just not as a married woman. I've never been a rebel or a disobedient child but I find that when it comes to the topic of my marriage, I just ignore my parents. Hopefully in the next 4 years until I turn 30, they will understand my wish and I can give them a grandchild or two if I won't be too much of a societal disappointment.

A very opinionated lady

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

CHANGE: Experience of a first time voter

It’s a very confusing start to this post as I have a lot on my mind that I yearn to write down; too much if you ask me.

I almost forgot it was my birthday yesterday morning until I saw my sister’s birthday surprise (as usual) waiting for me in bed. I had too much on my mind, most particularly the presidential election results. Regardless of my birthday surprise however, I still spent the day before the television, with pen and paper, collating the election results. I barely responded to pings wishing me a happy birthday, and I honestly didn’t notice that half of my friends had forgotten my birthday. If you ask me today which friends actually remembered my day, I would go cheat by searching for my chat histories. In all, it turned out to be a magnificent day even through the emotional/physical stress I subjected myself to.

I’m alive; I’m beautiful; I’m healthy, I’m living by his grace; I have the most amazing sister, and family; I’ve got great friends; and I’m still hawt @ 26 years! Alhamdulillahi..

Change- that’s the word on every Nigerian’s lip for some months now, whether they support it or not. As  you may have guessed, I am a firm supporter of the “change campaign”, and I not only advocated for General Buhari on social media, I also encouraged people to vote him as President. This is why I made the decision to actually go out and vote for my candidate, making it the first time I ever cast a vote as a Nigerian citizen. I was so excited weeks ahead the election, that not even an illness could bring down my morale. I called the election day; the judgment day, as it would decide our fate as Nigerians. Come 28th March, 2015- the judgment day, I initially disagreed with my mother over what I wore (mostly about the hat on my head though). She said I looked like a party agent, and although I knew she was just concerned for my safety, I thought it absurd that I couldn’t just wear what I wanted. When we eventually got to the polling unit, no INEC official was present and I picked my number [350]. When it was 12:30pm, a good Samaritan had gone to pick up the officials assigned to my unit with his vehicle. Upon their arrival, they took their time setting up, and informed us that only one of the three card readers they brought was working. They had forgotten the pass codes of the remaining two. Regardless of the time, frustration, and anger going round then, people still insisted on going on with the accreditation and subsequently voting. I didn’t even get in line for accreditation until 17:30, and I was accredited within seconds around 18:00. Accreditation ended with 448 accredited persons, and voting finally commenced at 20:00. It was a slow process, but orderly. Residents of the estate supplied a generator, wire, and bulb to lighten up the voting area. The funny thing is that people were so determined to cast their votes, that they went home and brought chairs. We all sat around, and started gisting like it was the most natural thing to do. I finally cast my vote at 1:10am for my now-president-elect, the APC presidential candidate.  We strolled back home, and I went to eat my second meal, at a time that should be considered the next day.

I was so proud of myself, that it felt like I was floating in a bubble all day, when I wasn’t sleeping that is. I was so scared, that my first vote wouldn’t count, that something fishy was being planned by the opposition party, that the change I had yearned for wouldn’t be realised.Most importantly though, I felt like I had done something very important by voting and nothing could erase that feeling from my mind. The result collation started on Monday afternoon, and I had been obsessing over the figures since. Eventually, I got the best birthday gift I could have gotten from Nigerians, and INEC when General Muhammad Buhari won the 2015 Presidential election, and I was even more happy when the incumbent President conceded to defeat and congratulated our President elect.

Nothing could stop me from feeling fly that I voted for the first time, and it not only counted, but dream for a change in the administration was realized on my birthday!


Wednesday, 18 March 2015


It only takes one event, one man, one word, to damage a soul for life.
I awoke with a rush, sweating profusely from the nightmare. It's 2am in the morning and I'll be unable to sleep again till morning. I am as certain of this as I am of my name because it's a frequent occurrence. The nightmares have returned this past week since the proposal. How do I tell Sola that I cannot accept his proposal; that I cannot marry any man? Will he understand that his girl is messed up? How do I tell him what disturbs me?
Sola is the first boyfriend I've had, and he is the most amazing man I know. He is gentle, loving, tolerant, and selfless. I met him 6years ago at the airport, on my way back from one of my many travels and we hit it off almost immediately. Before then, I had no interest in men. Such that all through my university days, I never as much as went on a date with a guy. How could I, when I've tasted the wickedness of man? He was amazing as a friend, and even better as my beau. After 4 long years, how do I tell this great guy that I have no interest in marriage? That I swore off any form of sexual relations with any man? That I can't stand being touched by a man? That my refusal to have sex from the beginning had nothing to do with religious beliefs? What explanation will I give for loving a man dearly due to his generosity but can't marry him due to my psychological problems?

How do I tell my boyfriend of 4years that I was brutally raped by 3 men at 15, and I still revisit every part of that terrible day in my dreams? How can I let him know that the real me is actually a damaged soul in a carcass?..

Wednesday, 11 February 2015


I crouched on the floor and held my knees to my chest. I can't tune out the noise no matter how hard I try. I covered my ears with my palms, just so it would stop. God!, I thought to myself, just please make it stop!!! I can no longer take this. Tonight has been particularly bad, they've been at it for hours. It's quite late, and I should be sleeping at this ungodly hour. They awoke me with their noise, abuses and curses.
My parents are the ones I'm attempting to tune out of my head. They've been like this for as long as I can remember, probably long before I was born sef. Everyday, it's a new topic, a new argument, and a new reason to quarrel themselves. Honestly, I'm tired of it. I always wonder, in my head, how they came to be man and wife when they obviously cannot stand each other's presence. Sometimes when my father actually makes it home for dinner, it's a little bearable at home. We eat in peace like a real family should, and they actually smile together. Until of course, one of them says something that angers the other, and the daily rituals (shouting) are performed.
I flinched, as I heard something crash and my mother scream. Honestly, I would have preferred it if they just got divorced and didn't have to deal with each other daily. As an only child, I am privileged but very unhappy. I once heard my mother speaking on phone after one of their fights that she could not leave my father because she had a child for him (me!). I know what they say about divorce being hard on the children, and so should be the last resort or even avoided by parents. It's just that my own parents cannot seem to stop fighting, and I think I would actually do better psychologically and mentally if they are divorced. My father started hitting my mother a few months ago, first with his palms, then his fist, and now with objects. My mother is strong when she faces my father and stands her ground, but when we are alone, she weeps like someone that's lost something dear.
The most terrible thing about this quarrel is the way it started (the way it always starts):- misunderstanding!. When he got home (obviously late, and refused eating), my mother asked him why he had called her that afternoon that he wished to eat homemade moin moin when he knew he wasn't coming home to eat it. See, it's a valid question and I understand my mother's frustration. She had left work to go to the market, then came straight to pick me up at school, and we encountered a very tight traffic. We got home and she didn't even pull her shoes before resuming in the kitchen. She decided to make him a special dish aside the moin moin, which took her about 4 hours. By the time I had dinner, she was beyond tired!. I even helped her set the table, but daddy did not come home.  When he did get home, my mother was brewing and to my surprise, all she did was breathe in before questioning him. This, my father considers an insult to him and his person! As a result, he's been quarrelling with my mother for hours now, and is probably throwing stuffs at her. I stood up from my crouched position and went around to peep on them. My mother was half naked, beaten, bruised and bloodied. I gasped at the horror of what I saw, my father is going to kill my mama!!!!
I'm only 10years but I knew a lot of numbers. I ran into the sitting room and first dialled 112, as mother taught me, then I dialled my grandmother (mum's ma), before calling our doctor. All I could tell them all is "Daddy is killing Mummy, hurry!!!".


Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Really,..... I'm fine!

I just watched a movie that seemed like it was my life story. And the only thing I could get from it is a stupid advice about being hopeful. It's a movie, so at the end the two lovers ended up together even though the guy's marriage kept them apart.

So, you're wondering how this fit with my life?. I'm guilty of the same thing the girl in the movie was. I am hopelessly in love with a married man. And of course, you're right. It is actually as depressing as it sounds.  I can't see him without feeling like my heart is gonna get ripped from my chest. See, I'm a Nigerian, and having that kinda love is actually a myth so it sounds unbelievable even to my ears.

The first time I met him, it was like love at first sight. No, not the way it is in movies because we didn't get together until months later, but I couldn't stop thinking about him all the while. We bacame very good friends quickly and recognised the attraction between us. It was very mutual, and he was single then. Fast forward a year later, and we were miles apart. I had to travel and we both didn't deal well with the distance. Sometimes, loving each other doesn't mean you both know how to be together especially when there's a lot of distance  separating you. By the time I returned 2 years later, he had moved on and was getting married. I thought I could live with it, so I quickly accepted it. The only problem however, is that every time I saw him, spoke with him, or just ran into him, it was like I lived an heartbreak all over again.

It's been less than six months since he got married, and I still pine for him. We speak once awhile, but I absolutely avoid meeting with him. I'm caught between wishing him happiness with his wife, and hoping he's miserable. *smiles* I can't really wish him misery, cos I love him too much to bear the thought of him being unhappy.

Unlike the movie however, I can no longer be with him and this love story will not be having a fairy tale end. I know how I got myself into this mess, but getting myself out of it is a mystery to me. I can't keep pining for a married man, but at least I can pretend it doesn't hurt each time I hear his voice or remember the most amazing year we spent together.


Saturday, 17 January 2015

Second Chances.... #2

202 Seconds. That's all it took for Akin to sign the divorce papers n shove them at me. That's how long it took to decide the fate of my marriage, my marriage of 5years. 202 seconds was all it took to throw away the past 5years of my life. By the time he shoved the papers at me, I was still trying to decide if I was doing d right thing by staying with him or if I was making the costliest mistake of my life. He didn't even think about it, about me, about us, n our child. His voice drifts around in my head, n I realise he was asking if I had any documents I wanted him to sign. I shake my head, gather the papers, n walk out of his office.

Nike had come up with this "master plan"- Get ur hair made, visit the spa, apply some makeup, wear something special (aka seductive), and pay him a surprise visit at work. 'He'll see what he's been missing out on, and come back home'. I did everything like she said, and to be honest, I didn't have to try hard at all. For a 32 year old, and a mother, I am small n petite. I opted to go without makeup, he loved me better without anyway. I wore a low back, tight fitting mini gown that made me look and feel like a whore: all for a man I wanna stay married to! And here I am, feeling like I had just been dished a feisty slap on the face.

When I got to his office, he welcomed me with a smile, offered me a seat, and poured me some juice. Surely this was a good sign, I thought to myself, it had to mean something.. we wasted no time for chitchat, just went straight to the point. I told him I had come to talk about our daughter and aw our decisions where affecting her. He looked thoughtful for a minute before rising. He said he had been thinking a lot about her , and would make it all okay. I smiled to myself and glanced at the time, I1:17am. I didn't notice Akin return with a thick brown envelope and cheque book. I was thinking about my neighbor.... I hope he's doing alright. As soon as I decided to remain with my husband, I explained my reasons to him, and begged him to stay away from us. Although my neighbor and I never had anything intimate, we both felt the strong chemistry pulling us. I wanted to avoid any and every thing that would make Akin jealous or upset, so it was no brainer that I had to sacrifice my neighbour. I don't want my girl to face any stigmatization, and I want the father of my child present in her life- to nurture her with me. But is it worth the pain I'll be subjecting myself to? Am I strong enough, physically and mentally? ... That's when I felt d papers hit my knees, and I became aware again. The first word that jumped at me  is "Divorce". I looked at my watch again, just to see if I was in a dream. 202 seconds was all it took to write me a cheque of 1million naira and sign divorce papers.

I went straight home and cried for hours. I don't know which one hurts the most, the fact that I have lost my husband, or that I failed- my marriage, my God, my parents, myself, and my daughter? Or maybe it's that I feel terrible for throwing my neighbor's love back at him... A love I should have cradled and held on to...

Monday, 5 January 2015


Never too late to love?!

There are some that get it right from the beginning; their very first trial ends up being "the one", the "true love", the "Mr. right". They just have it so easy, thereby making the ones like I immensely jealous.
We like to believe that love is once in a lifetime, and there are myths about one being only able to love truly once. These beliefs only serve to make the illusion of love more appealing but let's assume they are true.

... I wasn't as lucky as most of my friends when it came to loving right from my first boo, down to the one I married. Where my friends had it easy from their firsts, I had to go from guy to guy searching for my own while maintaining my values. I met my husband at the age of 26, after I gave up on men altogether. We met through a mutual friend, and the attraction was instant.We became fast friends, and everything else that followed was next to perfect. We had the same principles, we practised the same religion, are from the same tribe, shared each others dreams, and shared a common goal. 13 months after our initial meeting, we got married. It was a beautiful ceremony and no expense was spared. Akin and I were married for three (3) years before we started having troubles. I tried to be very patient with him (mostly for our daughter's sake), and acted as the peace-keeper in the marriage but all was to no avail. Akin simply changed, and it seemed like I wasn't good enough for him any more. When he wasn't complaining about my cooking, then it was my housekeeping. He abused me emotionally, and physically. I tried to remain in love with him, and spent hours praying for him but he just acted like I didn't even exist.

The first time I noticed my neighbour as a man, was the day my life changed. We had run into each other over a million times, he had come to enquire about something numerous times, and I never even SAW him for real. Suddenly, I see him as a delicious chocolate hunk, and my senses run in overdrive. He was oh-so nice, went out of his way to see me smile, and talked to me for hours. He bought my favourites, played with my daughter, and made me feel beautiful again. I was on cloud nine, and didn't even mind that Akin had stopped coming home. My neighbour became my best friend and confidant. It wasn't until a friend of mine came over for an afternoon gossip that I spared Akin any thought. She had just found out that my husband got married to another lady over the weekend, and they currently live in a beautiful "mansion". I felt something, but I can't define what it is - fear? anger? relief? confusion? insulted? jealous?
Should I even care? We are Muslims, and so he has every right to marry more wives. I am his legal wife though, should I fight this? Or should I just leave him be and move on? Should I remain in this marriage, to keep on with the abuse and neglect? I he my true once in a lifetime love? Should I be more patient? Will he ever return to me?
On the other hand, I have my cute neighbour who has expressed his interest in me with the promise of a lifetime, treats me like a queen, makes me feel beautiful, and actually tries to make me happy. Should I just leave my marriage behind, and be with this good man? Is this new man the true love I had always desired?

...And my daughter???