Tuesday, 26 September 2017

Turning Time #2

It seemed easy now right? Leave Otunba and get married to David. Things didn't work out that way. Infact, things got really messy fast. Otunba found out somehow about my second life, and he took matters into his own hands. All I got was an sms from David to end our year long relationship. Till this day, I don't know exactly what Otunba did or said to my true love.
Otunba warned me never to attempt such again, he said he forgave me for straying being a child and all. He then began controlling every aspect of my life from there on. He got me a job in his friend's company, got a 2 bedroom apartment for me in the same estate he lived, and funded my account on a monthly basis. In return, I had to do the duties of a wife without actually being a wife. I cooked his meal, washed his clothes, and satisfied him sexually. Although we lived apart, Otunba showed up unannounced at my doorstep atleast 4 times every week. I was truly comfortable, but unhappy. I had become a kept mistress, and it drove me nuts. Periodically, Otunba would send me costumes for those events he needed me to accompany him to. I was nothing more than a pretty face hanging on his arm, and being ogled by his friends. I still wonder exactly how I got myself into such arrangement. I had long distanced myself from family and friends to keep my shame to myself.

About 5years after the completion of my youth service, I finally got the only news that gave me hope. I was pregnant. Otunba took the news in a way I never dreamed he would. He asked, no- ordered me to get rid of it. His excuse being that "his wife" (who was supposedly dead) and children (when did 1 child become 4?) would never hear of it. He made it very clear that he had all he wanted, and didn't have room for another child.
This is how my nightmare started. The only reason I didn't hate myself so much during all these years of having an affair with a man old enough to be my father's elder brother, was because I atleast thought he was single. A widowed old man was much better than a married old man, wasn't it? As you must have guessed at this stage, Otunba lied to me. His wife was alive and well. The young lady he introduced to me as his only child was infact another mistress of his. I was crushed, alone and scared at the same time. I did the only thing I could think of, I went home to cry to my family. The family I had long neglected and severed ties with, welcomed me back and forgave me.

Otunba's wife picked that time to return to Nigeria to help her husband's political aspiration, and of course, heard about my affair with her husband. It was no secret amongst high societal gatherings that Otunba had a little girl who warmed his bed when the need arose. She (Otunba's wife) paid me a visit, saw my growing pregnancy bulge, and threatened to ruin my life if I continued seeing her husband. Only God knows how I managed to survive the remainder of my pregnancy term. I received all form of threats, in emails, phone calls, sms, and even to my face. I could barely go out, for fear of loosing my life. The threats were mostly directed at my unborn baby. Otunba did not even bother to see me anymore. He focussed solely on his ambition to be the governor of the state, and I was happy about it. I was actually relieved to be alone and away from him. I always hated myself for what I had become, but I just couldn't break free. I had locked myself up in a psychological, emotional and physical prison that only I could have destroyed, but I was too weak to save myself. Weak enough to have allowed myself to be used over and over and over again.
I was delivered of a beautiful baby girl on a rainy day in August, and I couldn't be happier. My parents had finally accepted fate that I was better off raising my child out of wedlock. I moved (it's okay to say I ran, because I did) to Ghana to avoid any "accidental" run-ins with Otunba and his family, but mostly to bring up my daughter in peace.
Although life is not perfect, I have learnt to find happiness in my aloneness...

Con amor.

Turning Time #1

It wasn't what I wanted. Not what I bargained for.
All I wanted was to be loved!. I only needed to be appreciated, to be seen as more than a wall gecko, or even worse as a mere shadow trailing behind others. I wanted to be seen as much more than "the politician's mistress".

My name is Tolu and I am a beautiful 26 year old girl, at least that's what I've been told. In my first year at the university, I met a man. A really matured and much older man. When I met him, he wooed me, told me all sort of lies just to get me. I resisted, I was a good girl and dating a man older than my father didn't seem like a good idea. As this sort of stories usually go, I needed help at some point and decided to go to him as he was in the position to render assistance. He did say he loved me didn't he? So I sought him out. I know you think I took advantage of his feelings for me, because I thought so too and I felt terrible for doing it. Otunba helped me as expected, but what my childish mind didn't bank on, was him calling often to also ask me for a favor. A favor for a favor right? God, I was so gullible to have expected otherwise.
It's no excuse, but this is how my relationship with an older man started. I did grant his favour the first time because I felt helpless, like I had no choice. Every other time was just stupidity on my part. He was the second man I got intimate with and I was still as naive as they came. Otunba told me that his wife died two years back and he had been searching for the perfect woman to replace her with. According to him, she gave him only a child- a daughter who was almost 3 years my junior. Imagine being regarded as a stepmother to a girl in the same university as I am. Anyway, I tried to please Otunba in every possible way, while praying and searching for a way out.
Finally, I graduated from the university as the overall best student in my department. Otunba said he was proud, and his own way of showing it was to buy me a brand new SUV to cruise town with. I know I had the option of rejecting the vehicle, but would you?
During my NYSC service year, I met a businessman. He was everything I wanted in a man, everything that Otunba was not. He was young, vibrant, loving, romantic, and he genuinely wanted to make me his wife. Our relationship was beautiful, although complicated. I tried as much as possible to hide each man from the other, and I succeeded. Such that a year after I met David, he popped the question. He proposed to me in a fancy restaurant during dinner. I was overwhelmed and filled to the brim with joy.

.....to be continued.

Con amor

Sunday, 23 April 2017

#throwback post #31/03/2017

Sometimes you get stuck in a place, and then you realise just how fast life is passing you by. How do you even begin to grasp it? How do you stop time? How do you tell life you're simply trying to catch your breath, that you need a time out?
The weird thing is, it is at this juncture when your trying to reevaluate your life that you notice just how fast time is speeding by. Friends slowly become acquaintance, lovers slowly become mere pals, and the only people whose place is constant in your life is family. We begin to loose focus on things we want to do, and give ourselves reasons to focus on what we need to do.
It's my 28th birthday today, and I must admit I've come a long way from the girl that started this blog in 2011. I haven't achieved what I set out to, but at least I'm not in the same spot. I will myself to keep moving, whether or not I see a future in sight.
Anyway, I received my sister's call as usual first thing at midnight, but then no other call came. I picked up my phone to call someone, anyone that came to mind and then I realised what my life had become. In a bid to avoid hurts and heartbreaks, I have shoved a wall between myself and many others. There's no one to place a call to me early on my birthday and say soothing words
Is this really what I set out to achieve? No, but it is now my reality and I intend to live with it- just like I've been living with past choices.
A happy 28th to me!

Friday, 3 February 2017

Wanna Paint?

The world has evolved, in every way and it's mostly good. It's just that there are thing I would rather are left as they were. An example is how we define beauty. We have have become so accustomed to perceiving a make up enhanced face as beautiful that we have begun to undermine the value of a natural looking face. Barely do you see a lady without make up on and when you do, she's 'ashamed of it'. Irony is that no matter how well dressed a lady is these days, she feels naked without her make up on.
I cannot count the number of times I have been asked one way or the other why I don't use make up. My response is usually one of a joke, and it's the same line I use for a lot of things in my life "if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve seeing my best". The truth is that I have used make up before, I have some shoot pictures proving that. Infact I did attend a make up school,  but I didn't complete it. Back when I was in the uni, I used to rub a lil white powder on my face, colourful lip gloss, either a ash/gray/gold eyeshadow (as minimal as possible), and a quick flick of mascara on my lashes- and I was good to go. At this time, I knew I wasn't going to get an award for my make up, but I was darn sure I looked good.
As make up evolved like everything else in the world, it began to get bolder. There were more and more products being released daily to use on your face. It got to a stage that you can barely recognize someone you know very well when they're covered in the paint called make up these days. Now, I just can't stand the absurdity of it all. It's freaking okay to use make up and get transformed on your special days, but when you wake up extra early everyday simply because you want to sit and paint yourself up for 2 goddamned hours before going to work, it's just ridiculous.
Yes, it take up to 2 hours to have that exclusive face beat, and it even takes some longer hours than that. When your body is demanding rest, you wake it up and cover the sleeping bags up with more makeup. For crying out loud, give yourself some time out! The artificial lashes must be giving your eye lids a sore, your natural lashes need time to breathe. And for heaven's sake, give your face some free time to get nourished naturally.
Some of you have friends that you have never seen without make up on. Even at night, their make up game is always tight. How can I have a friend that I can't recognise without her make up on?! The worst part now is that men have joined the makeup club. I don't know what this world is turning into, but every time I think of it, I roll my eyes and keep thinking- RIDICULOUS!!!
Can anyone of you boast of going a whole month without makeup? If I gave you a dare to spot your natural face for the rest of the year, would you bite??!
I may not be the prettiest girl and may not even have a cute face to look at, but I was created this way and I am damned proud of it. There is nothing to be ashamed of spotting a natural looking face, seeing as everyone is beautiful in their own way. You should try it some time, it's quite refreshing.

Can amor

Thursday, 2 February 2017


I have been watching a lot of home videos lately, in retrospect to real happenings around me, and I keep deriving the same conclusion. One way or the other, no matter how perfect you are, men will always cheat.
Be the perfect stepford wife, cook his meals, clean up after him, do his laundry, be the intelligent partner he can throw ideas around with at night, and satisfy him well in the bedroom. All these don't matter because as soon as the devil in skirt comes chasing after him, it's over. It's like half their brain is only programmed to have sex because I genuinely don't understand why a man whose wife is pleasing him in every way, will still cheat  on her with another that cannot even nearly be compared to your woman. Is the sex all that different? Is it worth ruining your marriage and life for? That's a question many men never bother to ask themselves before plunging into these affairs.
Explain to me how intelligent men can't think around a short skirt, and their only goal in the 30minutes that follows is how to get under those skirts; by all means possible. I would have thought his wife's sacrifice to be able to take care of him and love him daily would count for something. I have concluded that there's really nothing like "sexually sated" in a man's head.
Even when your wife is a sexy independent working class lady that still finds a way to satisfy  you every single day, it's just never enough. Even though she works like you do and is even working harder (as she has a home and a big baby in form of a husband to take care of), it will never occur to you to appreciate her efforts and be faithful. That's all she wants from you emotionally, is it really too much to ask???
Men can't just resist the long legs on heels and tight ass in jeans or shorts. It pisses me off that I can't seem to comprehend the rationale behind their reasoning. They just keep grabbing any piece of ass or skirt as they go... it's the way they were programmed to operate, I guess.

Con amor

Sunday, 15 January 2017

Self Abuse..

I have come to the conclusion that we as women are our own problems. We scream all over the place about the way men treat us. We talk about feeling used, we talk about being objectified, we even go to the lengths to talk on how our rights are being trampled on by men. Yet, it is the same women that will go to a man and submit to be used, the same women will dress indecently to be objectified, the same women will forget they have rights (I still can't decide on why) and give men all the liberties they shouldn't.

Awhile ago, it was all over facebook and instagram that a Lagos big boy was attending parties in the company of two masked ladies on a leash. They really did look like a couple of over pampered dressed up dogs going out for a walk with their master. Anyway I tried examining (more like attempting & failing to think from all perspectives) this situation from different angles before writing this post and my only conclusion is that the young man must have paid them heavily to play that role. Don't get me wrong, I know what he's going for here but I just can't believe it's the same thing those ladies are going for. I understand the rules of BDSM, I have studied it. I know he's trying new things to give himself pleasure, but couldn't he have gone to orgy parties for that? This man demeaned two ladies by putting them on a leash and taking them to regular Nigeria parties to show off as his toys. We are in Nigeria sir! Even if 50% of the population are fond of kinky sex in this country, they don't flaunt it. It's their dirty laundry and shouldn't be aired in public.
The masked women on the other hand, are the recipients of my anger. I need proof that they truly enjoyed such treatment. If he could insult their femininity in public thus, I wonder the kind of treatment he unleashed at them in the confines of his home- all the name of pleasure (or money). How much is good enough for you to let a man strip you of your dignity, self-worth, and self-love? How much did he pay to insult your existence?
Funny turn of events however, has this same Lagos big boy claiming his act is actually a movement for voiceless women. According to him, he needed to first get noticed by the nation before his words could be heard. And  what better way to make the world notice you if not to parade yourself as a dominant figure with his submissive dogs, I mean ladies, at parties?!

I don't care what he says, I think he has no respect for women. If he did, he never would have  put those ladies on a leash; and those ladies should never have been willing participants.
Let's be honest with ourselves: No-one is going to save women from an abuse they willingly got themselves into. We need to start thinking, and stop the old fashioned habit of disrespecting ourselves. When we as women begin to love ourselves, only then will we begin to appreciate our worth...

Do have a prosperous new year everyone,
Con amor.