Monday, 29 July 2013

My life; My rules!

I find myself wanting to find release....

It doesn't matter if I'm at work, in bed, cooking, driving, or in a meeting. I find that lately, I've been having the urge to just curl up and cry. Usually, I stop myself in the process and its good for awhile but then it starts all over again after a few hours. What brought about this behaviour, I don't know. All I know is I feel more vulnerable at the moment than I've felt my entire life, and its not a very swell feeling.

Remember what they say about strong people being the ones that cry the most? Well, that's not the case with me. I DON'T cry! This statement is more of a resolution rather than a confession. Don't get me wrong please: I do feel pain, and I feel all them emotional hurts probably more than anyone I know personally. I just don't succumb to expressing those pains and hurts in the usual way some people do. I tend to hold my pain in and bite down (hard!) on my hurts, in a way that won't make me show any emotion on the exterior. On the interior though, is a different case. I am a vessel full of pain, sorrow, frustration, hurts, and tears deep within.

I've experienced more pain than I bargained for and although I still haven't found someone who has had the intensity or amount of pain as I have, I've learnt that the most damaged of us are the ones who know how well and best to hide behind their pains. After years of hiding behind my wall, and holding negative (pain) emotions at bay, You could probably break my bone now and i still wouldn't shed a tear (*you had better put on some ear plugs just in case though*), so u can imagine how I feel when I suddenly feel like I want to cry (as in, really cry!) every other minute. I consider myself a strong lady; with flaws, but strong nonetheless. I'm currently having an episode of my crisis and I can't stop typing this post in my car, parked on the side of the road. My strength isn't determined by the amount of tears I've cried (as there haven't been much of that), but by the amount of resolve I've applied to anything I'm passionate about. I don't cry because I told myself at a young age that crying was bad for me. Crying makes me weak, and frustrated and open to more hurts. I don't cry because I made a decision and stuck to it, not because I don't feel the pain. I can feel the pain nagging my left arm at the moment, piercing at my vessels and muscles like a knife jabbing through me from the inside. I can barely raise the hand, but it won't stop me from putting down these words nor will it stop me from getting myself home in one piece.

I can feel it all and I feel pain even more, but it won't bring me to my knees nor will it make me shed a tear. I DO NOT cry, because I am Eyitayo and it's my rules....

Con amor

Monday, 1 July 2013

My Perennial Bachelor (Part B)

After a year and half of being together, Gbenga was yet to propose to me. Although he had talked about marriage with me on many occasions, I expected him to have made it more official by now. I haven't even met any of his family members, I was a few months away from my 30th birthday, and I was beyond frantic. When I shared my concern with him, he simply told me not to worry and promised that we would take a trip over a weekend he was free to meet them. I wasn't totally cool with his response but decided to remain calm. A man of 44 years should get married soon. He couldn't be playing games, could he?
On my 30th birthday, Gbenga spoilt me rotten! He pampered me, and made me feel like a queen. To say he spoilt me is an understatement such that my fear of being a spinster was forgotten. He made me feel on top of the world, and I was the envy of all. The spell was on for a couple more months until realisation dawned once again that we hadn't done anything official. At this point, my feminine hormones were screaming "CAUTION!" So, I decided to take drastic measures to nudge him in the right direction. The first step I took, was put an end to all sexual/physical relationship between us. Gbenga was mad when I did this, and it gave me hope... "My plan was gonna work afterall". I then insisted on knowing his family, and he said we weren't ready. Weren't ready? I was ready when we started dating 2years ago!! No matter how much I tried to make him see reason, Gbenga wouldn't budge so I stopped talking to him (with the hope that he would miss me and be forced to bend to my will). To my shock and disappointment however, Gbenga didn't seem bothered. Infact, he neither called nor texted. I was really hurt by this, because I had thought he loved me. I was determined though- not to beg him as I knew what I wanted. My parents had started pestering me to bring him home, but Gbenga had always been busy with something any time we agreed to go see them.
About 3weeks later, I went to a fashion show (like we used to do together) and I saw him. He was looking as charming and smart as ever and I was half way to hug him when I noticed he wasn't alone. The girl hanging possessively by his side (like I used to) with an angelic smile couldn't be more than 23 or 24 years. I had no idea how I got home safe that day, but I remember the tears I cried all night. 2years! 2 precious years of my life with a man that moved on in 3weeks. Where do i start from? What would I tell the world? How do I explain this to my family? The shame... What would people say? Its amidst these jumbled thoughts, confusion and heartache that I decided to quit my job and change location. There was simply too much memories here and I just needed a clean break. I moved to another city, to try and pick up whatever I could of the pieces he left behind.

I left family and friends to run as far as I could from Gbenga, his memories and the hurts, but he still resides in my heart. I have tried to hate him but I can't; I can't even bring myself to think ill of him. I love him too much, and I miss him so so much...

Con amor