Abused

I wanted to write a post titled; 'Men you should NEVER settle down with', but I thought the title was too biased, afterall there are some types of women you should never pray to come across as well. Regardless of seeming biased though, I will still write about men today. The men that shaped my life into the design they saw fit.

Psychologists know what they mean when they suggest that some events mar or make us early in life, but I know for a fact that at any age, verbal abuse (no matter how small) can still scar you deep. I recognised mine quite early and I tried putting a stop to it, but unfortunately, the little damage done shaped me in a different way than I had intended.

I was just 19 years old when I met him and although it wasn't love at first sight, I loved him regardless. Junior is the last born of his well-to-do family, and he sure acted it! I loved him regardless of his flaws, and he accepted me with mine. The relationship moved so fast and we were quickly recognised as a "devote couple". I tried quite hard to be the perfect girlfriend, too hard now that I think of it (must have been the age). The fact that Junior always called me his "wife" must have also been a precursor to my attitude because I did everything to please him. When I wasn't in school, I was with him. I fed him daily, and basically took care of him. I had to keep him in check, and monitored his affairs. I helped him whichever way I could, all the while ignoring his apparent lack of respect for me. I kept telling myself that I loved him and love does not look for flaws afterall love endures. Quite early in the relationship, I tried telling myself I wasn't his errand girl even though I cooked for his friends, and did his bidding. I lost my virginity to him and made my body his, in the bid to please him. I gave, and never complained until he started being more aggressive. He never tried to hit me (he wouldn't have dared), but he somehow became aggressive in his words or maybe he had always been like that and I just hadn't seen it. 

I had experienced a near-death phase less than 6months into our relationship, and it seemed I came back as a different person who saw more clearly.

Junior kept using vulgar words at me. He kept making me look and feel stupid at every turn. He would call me a dullard in the presence of his friends and try to make it sound like a joke afterwards. He never even bothered to pretend like he respected my person in public. He would ask me if I was dumb just for trying to clarify issues with him and depending on his mood, he would ask if I was drunk or stupid when I asked questions. I mustn't forget the times he asked me if I was "sick upstairs". He never once encouraged me, but knew how to drop my morale; how to tell me "I couldn't do it". It seems like a blessing now that he never liked to comment on my beauty, because I fear I might have lost confidence in my own looks. He believed and trusted his "girlfriends" more than he did me, and when there was an issue with them, I was always to blame. On different occasions after sex, he commented on how I sounded like a bush baby in bed, and that statement made me very conscious of myself. Till this day, I don't bother making any noise in bed. Regardless of the fact that I had etiquette and speak better & fluent queen's english than he did, Junior knew how to make me doubt my own knowledge. Once, he drank so much and called me a slut, asking me how many guys I had fucked before him. That wasn't the most painful of his insults but it definitely stung and that was when i decided to stop keeping quiet. I was so used to sitting by, pretending everything was fine, and gulping as much bullshit as I was served that it wasn't easy getting back myself. Hey, I don't blame him! I grew up with a father who, although he loves me very much, is also part of the reason I tell myself I can't do anything right. A father that unknowingly insinuates that I'm useless and makes me cry by telling me I am the sole reason my mother is ageing faster than her age. 

Today, I have contemplated going for my masters but I'm scared I would fail and I give up on it before even applying; I have written a billion business proposals and thought about a trillion ways to make money, but i always find a way to tell myself 'I can't do it'. Today, I don't even know if I can take care of myself because I have been told so many times that I can't!. I barely make suggestions or comments on issues as I'm scared I might sound stupid. I'm afraid someone else is going to see me, and see that I'm a dullard or that I'm dumb. Till this day, I still avoid relationships because I dread sexual encounter. I have grown taking things to heart, believing, and telling myself "they were right", inhibiting my own progress; allowing them to design my life and my attitude!

Con amor

Inside a Daddy's girl's head!

I was 'bout 8 when Papa brought her home. She looked so 'beautiful and classy' was the first thought that ran through my mind. She looked like those barbie dolls, but with the shinning black hair on her head. Her waist looks so small from my point of view and so did her entire body. She was so fair, I had to bite my tongue from asking if she was an albino. A boy in my class is almost white like the lady Papa is holding and we all called him 'Oyinbo pepe' until our class teacher taught us a new word to use for him- Albino. Papa came to me and held me close. He then whispered to me "Remember what we talked about last week, that I would give you a new mummy? Well that's your new mummy. Do you like her? Don't you think she looks beautiful?" I nodded as vigorously as my little head could allow and my father smiled. My 'new mummy' came over to join us and she gave me the brightest smile I had ever come across. I kept thinking in my head 'she looks so pretty'. "Hello Tinuke, your Daddy has told me so much about you. He said you're very brilliant", my new mummy was talking now. Her teeth looked just as perfect and white, and I imagined her as a dentist- I chuckled at that, and I guess that gave her the go ahead to continue. "I'm a good girl too, and your Daddy thinks we'll be best of friends. Will you let me be your friend?" She inquired and I simply nodded. I know I should be excited and happy at the prospect of having a mummy but I didn't have a good feeling about her. She was here to separate me from Papa! I just knew it!!
I have my own mummy, but I never met her. Papa tells me how amazing she was and how he loves her even in death and how I remind him so much of her! Yes, my real mummy died while birthing me. I have never had a mummy before, and I never had anyone except Papa. My friend Bolu, told me that her father married a new mummy for her and she doesn't get chocolates from her Daddy again. She said her Daddy stopped loving her when her new mummy started giving birth to babies. I continued to think about everything Bolu told me, and I started to get scared. Bolu thinks my new mummy may start beating me the way hers have started beating her. I was real scared! What if my new mummy starts giving Papa babies? How will I continue to be Papa's best friend? As young as I was, I knew I had to fight for Papa's love. I prayed to God not to give her babies that would compete my Daddy's love with me as Bolu's did.

On my 10th birthday, it seemed that my new mummy was the celebrant. She stole my spotlight, and she was the one sitting beside Papa all day. I was very angry at her, and I cried a lot that night. Already, everything seemed to have changed! My chocolate reserve had reduced drastically, and my food portion too had gone low. She hates me! She makes me do exercises every weekend. Then she went away for about a week, and I was happy. Only problem was, I didn't have Papa back to myself! He went out one day and brought her back with a baby. Oh my God! Bolu was right. Papa didn't stop playing with the baby, and they made it compulsory for me to play with her! Papa stopped buying me chocolates and sweets because mummy told him to, I hated her for taking my Daddy away from me.
11years have gone by, and I've spent 6years away from home. I'm graduating and Daddy is here, along with the family. I got over being Daddy's girl ages ago, and I think I grew up. I just don't think I ever found a way to forgive mummy, probably because I didn't understand her story. I did grow up to be a petite lady, thanks to the weekend exercises, and I have a kid brother now. Today though, I was surprised by how much effort mummy put in planning me a graduation party. She was so proud of me, that my friends all commented that I'm lucky. She walked with her head up high, and beamed with joy. She looks older now, but as stunning as ever and she made sure everything was perfect for my party. My younger ones stood by the sidelines unsure if to join the party or not, and this broke my heart. Could I have been so wrong? Could I have been blinded by my love for Daddy that I didn't realise the kids needed love as well? Could I have wanted to hold on to my Daddy so much that I failed to see what a jewel my mummy is?
I took my younger ones into the party and fed them cakes, kissed them heartily and took pictures with them. Then I went in search of mummy, and awarded her with a big hug. A silent plea, I guess but it felt good. I may have had an amazing mother I never knew, but Daddy brought me an awesome mummy that day 13years ago and if I could turn back time, I would have enjoyed every minute with her. I shouldn't have listened to Bolu so much, she was wrong. My new mummy is the best!...



Con amor