Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Really,..... I'm fine!

I just watched a movie that seemed like it was my life story. And the only thing I could get from it is a stupid advice about being hopeful. It's a movie, so at the end the two lovers ended up together even though the guy's marriage kept them apart.

So, you're wondering how this fit with my life?. I'm guilty of the same thing the girl in the movie was. I am hopelessly in love with a married man. And of course, you're right. It is actually as depressing as it sounds.  I can't see him without feeling like my heart is gonna get ripped from my chest. See, I'm a Nigerian, and having that kinda love is actually a myth so it sounds unbelievable even to my ears.

The first time I met him, it was like love at first sight. No, not the way it is in movies because we didn't get together until months later, but I couldn't stop thinking about him all the while. We bacame very good friends quickly and recognised the attraction between us. It was very mutual, and he was single then. Fast forward a year later, and we were miles apart. I had to travel and we both didn't deal well with the distance. Sometimes, loving each other doesn't mean you both know how to be together especially when there's a lot of distance  separating you. By the time I returned 2 years later, he had moved on and was getting married. I thought I could live with it, so I quickly accepted it. The only problem however, is that every time I saw him, spoke with him, or just ran into him, it was like I lived an heartbreak all over again.

It's been less than six months since he got married, and I still pine for him. We speak once awhile, but I absolutely avoid meeting with him. I'm caught between wishing him happiness with his wife, and hoping he's miserable. *smiles* I can't really wish him misery, cos I love him too much to bear the thought of him being unhappy.

Unlike the movie however, I can no longer be with him and this love story will not be having a fairy tale end. I know how I got myself into this mess, but getting myself out of it is a mystery to me. I can't keep pining for a married man, but at least I can pretend it doesn't hurt each time I hear his voice or remember the most amazing year we spent together.


Saturday, 17 January 2015

Second Chances.... #2

202 Seconds. That's all it took for Akin to sign the divorce papers n shove them at me. That's how long it took to decide the fate of my marriage, my marriage of 5years. 202 seconds was all it took to throw away the past 5years of my life. By the time he shoved the papers at me, I was still trying to decide if I was doing d right thing by staying with him or if I was making the costliest mistake of my life. He didn't even think about it, about me, about us, n our child. His voice drifts around in my head, n I realise he was asking if I had any documents I wanted him to sign. I shake my head, gather the papers, n walk out of his office.

Nike had come up with this "master plan"- Get ur hair made, visit the spa, apply some makeup, wear something special (aka seductive), and pay him a surprise visit at work. 'He'll see what he's been missing out on, and come back home'. I did everything like she said, and to be honest, I didn't have to try hard at all. For a 32 year old, and a mother, I am small n petite. I opted to go without makeup, he loved me better without anyway. I wore a low back, tight fitting mini gown that made me look and feel like a whore: all for a man I wanna stay married to! And here I am, feeling like I had just been dished a feisty slap on the face.

When I got to his office, he welcomed me with a smile, offered me a seat, and poured me some juice. Surely this was a good sign, I thought to myself, it had to mean something.. we wasted no time for chitchat, just went straight to the point. I told him I had come to talk about our daughter and aw our decisions where affecting her. He looked thoughtful for a minute before rising. He said he had been thinking a lot about her , and would make it all okay. I smiled to myself and glanced at the time, I1:17am. I didn't notice Akin return with a thick brown envelope and cheque book. I was thinking about my neighbor.... I hope he's doing alright. As soon as I decided to remain with my husband, I explained my reasons to him, and begged him to stay away from us. Although my neighbor and I never had anything intimate, we both felt the strong chemistry pulling us. I wanted to avoid any and every thing that would make Akin jealous or upset, so it was no brainer that I had to sacrifice my neighbour. I don't want my girl to face any stigmatization, and I want the father of my child present in her life- to nurture her with me. But is it worth the pain I'll be subjecting myself to? Am I strong enough, physically and mentally? ... That's when I felt d papers hit my knees, and I became aware again. The first word that jumped at me  is "Divorce". I looked at my watch again, just to see if I was in a dream. 202 seconds was all it took to write me a cheque of 1million naira and sign divorce papers.

I went straight home and cried for hours. I don't know which one hurts the most, the fact that I have lost my husband, or that I failed- my marriage, my God, my parents, myself, and my daughter? Or maybe it's that I feel terrible for throwing my neighbor's love back at him... A love I should have cradled and held on to...

Monday, 5 January 2015


Never too late to love?!

There are some that get it right from the beginning; their very first trial ends up being "the one", the "true love", the "Mr. right". They just have it so easy, thereby making the ones like I immensely jealous.
We like to believe that love is once in a lifetime, and there are myths about one being only able to love truly once. These beliefs only serve to make the illusion of love more appealing but let's assume they are true.

... I wasn't as lucky as most of my friends when it came to loving right from my first boo, down to the one I married. Where my friends had it easy from their firsts, I had to go from guy to guy searching for my own while maintaining my values. I met my husband at the age of 26, after I gave up on men altogether. We met through a mutual friend, and the attraction was instant.We became fast friends, and everything else that followed was next to perfect. We had the same principles, we practised the same religion, are from the same tribe, shared each others dreams, and shared a common goal. 13 months after our initial meeting, we got married. It was a beautiful ceremony and no expense was spared. Akin and I were married for three (3) years before we started having troubles. I tried to be very patient with him (mostly for our daughter's sake), and acted as the peace-keeper in the marriage but all was to no avail. Akin simply changed, and it seemed like I wasn't good enough for him any more. When he wasn't complaining about my cooking, then it was my housekeeping. He abused me emotionally, and physically. I tried to remain in love with him, and spent hours praying for him but he just acted like I didn't even exist.

The first time I noticed my neighbour as a man, was the day my life changed. We had run into each other over a million times, he had come to enquire about something numerous times, and I never even SAW him for real. Suddenly, I see him as a delicious chocolate hunk, and my senses run in overdrive. He was oh-so nice, went out of his way to see me smile, and talked to me for hours. He bought my favourites, played with my daughter, and made me feel beautiful again. I was on cloud nine, and didn't even mind that Akin had stopped coming home. My neighbour became my best friend and confidant. It wasn't until a friend of mine came over for an afternoon gossip that I spared Akin any thought. She had just found out that my husband got married to another lady over the weekend, and they currently live in a beautiful "mansion". I felt something, but I can't define what it is - fear? anger? relief? confusion? insulted? jealous?
Should I even care? We are Muslims, and so he has every right to marry more wives. I am his legal wife though, should I fight this? Or should I just leave him be and move on? Should I remain in this marriage, to keep on with the abuse and neglect? I he my true once in a lifetime love? Should I be more patient? Will he ever return to me?
On the other hand, I have my cute neighbour who has expressed his interest in me with the promise of a lifetime, treats me like a queen, makes me feel beautiful, and actually tries to make me happy. Should I just leave my marriage behind, and be with this good man? Is this new man the true love I had always desired?

...And my daughter???