Friday, 20 June 2014

Happily Never After.... #3

The boys were called, and they shyly stood there being gaped at by all but their father. The more Tope and Temi grew now, the more they looked strikingly like their father. I removed MY boys from their gaze and gave them all they would need for the next few hours safely watching tv in my room. All his friends started asking him questions about the boys, and at least he got their names right. He oddly sounded like a proud father. This got me royally pissed. This are the same children he never bothered to look at even once since their birth. Then I heard his best friend announcing that Tayo had lied to him when he swore he would never touch me again after the rape. I went back into the kitchen to get them some muffins and cold drink, all the while thinking to myself. So Tayo had told his friend about an event that marred my life? Had sworn never to touch me again? Why had his friend sounded so disappointed? I put the thought aside, and served the drinks. It was only his "female friend" that had the courage to question me on the age of my boys. And she joked about it saying no one would have guessed it with my petite stature. From what I had heard through the walls, I seem to understand what she was insinuating so I took a seat and told her what she was curious to know. Yes, they are my boys, conceived in my womb, carried by me, and brought to the world with my help. I took the opportunity and looked at Tayo's best friend to make him realise my displeasure. True, I was raped in Tayo's family house on my wedding night. It was no concern of his and I wonder why Tayo had to let him in on it. Nevertheless, should I have been punished for being brutally raped by being denied a fruit of the womb? And then just to rattle up my husband, I finished my speech by telling them not to be surprised if they came next and found a beautiful girl that chooses to look more like me than her father in the house. As expected, this erupted some denial from Tayo, so I shut him up quick and nicely. Really, enough of my topic being chewed upon by his friends so I put an end to it and excused myself. Tayo's best friend, Kay  as he is popularly called had turned white (if that's possible), and what he said next stopped me from slipping out of the room. "You aren't going to leave him are you? Not after giving him 3children, not after all he's done, you are never going to leave him!!!". This outburst shocked not just me, but Tayo and his friends into silence. "He's my husband, Kay" was all I could think of saying. "But I saw you first! I met you before he did. I loved you long before he took any notice of you!" This gave me chills as it dawned on me. I suddenly felt sick remembering all the good gestures I ever extended to Kay and what he must have thought of it. "What more could I have done to make you leave him? I did everything Aishat asked me to. I would have preferred to just get Tayo out of the way, but Aishat begged me not to. She told me that you would leave him if you were unhappy in your marriage. She said he would hate you if you were soiled, and would never touch you. Now she is reaping the fruit of my labour and I still don't have you!"  Tayo and his other friends recovered from their shock as everyone realised what Kay was taking responsibility for. Kay wasn't done rambling though as he kept saying Tayo ruined it all, he shouldn't have remained married to me, and he was never supposed to touch me, not after I was raped! This jeered me alert and I was done listening. With every strength I could muster, I  ordered him out of my house!.

Shortly after Kay was forced out, I asked everyone else to kindly excuse me. All, except my husband. I could see the plea in his eyes but I didn't need it. As far as I was concerned, nothing had changed. I am still the same lady that was raped by 3 men on her wedding night. God only answered my prayers and chose to end my misery. I didn't offend anyone that much. I only suffered as a result of jealousy, envy and a bit of stupidity on Tayo's part. Tayo had always shared everything with Kay, and although I forbade him from talking about me to his friends, I'm sure he exempted his best friend "Kay"! We stood there staring at each other for what seemed like hours before I excused myself to return upstairs to my children.
I do not blame Kay, because he didn't ruin my marriage. I blame Tayo. We could have still worked it out, we could have let love lead us, we could have gotten through it together, we could have taken comfort in our kids, as gifts from Allah. Instead, he rejected me, shut me out, ignored his boys' existence, and decided to get comfort out of his home. Home? This has never felt much like a home anyway.
For the sake of the children, I have remained in a loveless marriage. I should have made sure the man I fell in love with 4years ago would stick with me through it all. It was all that ran through my mind as I dialled my lawyer's number.

It's high time I got that divorce....

Happily Never After.... #2

I woke up to the noise and bright light surrounding me; slowly becoming aware  of my environment. My mothers both looked at me encouragingly but I sensed some anguish. I looked around trying to make sense of what was happening. What am I doing in what looks to be an hospital bed when I should be getting married to my heartthrob?/...OMG....
Awareness and memory rushed in at once and echoed in my head with an ache as i tried to sit up on the bed to make sense of anything. I had gotten married yesterday to the man of my dreams, and I was going to tell him about our baby when those men brought him up and made him watch (at gun point) as I was raped by 3 of them till I lost consciousness.
Hot tears flowed down my eyes, and I held on to myself. I looked at my mother inlaw's face again and my heart broke. Had those men hurt my husband when I lost consciousness? God please no! Not my beloved! Life would be meaningless without him in it. I looked up at my mum and the worry there, made me hold my tummy tighter. I tried saying something and asking questions but I couldn't. My throat felt rough & painful. My mother noticed the silent struggle and held me. She soothed me and I dropped into an exhausted sleep soon after. I woke the second time to an authoritative voice saying it was a miracle. They had thought the baby would die, assumed the violence would have aborted it. They would do all their best to save mother and child, while ensuring both were in the best of health.
A week later, I was back home feeling better and happier. Tayo wasn't hurt that night, and had stayed away from the hospital because he couldn't take it. Everything is okay now, was the biggest lie I ever told myself. I have my sweetheart, and my baby is still growing within me. Tayo knows now that I am pregnant, not the way I would have loved him to hear but it couldn't be avoided. For a newlywed however, Tayo was BUSY! This made it rather difficult to talk to him about anything. Not our baby, our future, and certainly not our wedding night! A month later, when my mother inlaw was convinced that I was strong enough, Tayo and I moved into our own house. I was happy because I thought it would help cushion the bitterness. They had repeated the story so much that I knew it by heart. The men had lied to the security that they were amongst the wedding party and hadn't given the couple the money received on their behalf, my brother inlaw had opened the main door and was shoved aside, the men seemed to recognise Tayo and congratulated him before asking after the bride. Five men in all, and they took nothing that night, except my fairytale...
Tayo had stopped eating my food, he only speaks to me when it can't be avoided, and he doesn't share my bed. Tayo now looks at me as if I am a dirty rag. Long gone is the sweet nature he always had with me,  replaced by a sour one. I tried everything I could. I pleaded, cried, tried getting his attention by dressing up sexy, to no avail. The more time passes, the more heavy I got, and the more he stayed away. It is really difficult for me. This is the man I had thought would kill just to make me happy. I do understand his plight also, and all I wished was for him to talk to me about it; to try and resolve it. It was me that was raped: it was me that had to scream over and over for help: it was me that had to face the fact that those men came only for one purpose, to ruin my life!: it is me that I've had to think over & over if I could have offened anybody so badly that they would turn my happiest day into the sadest: it is me that I've had to spend hours on my praying mat, not to ask for anything but to pray for the men who ruined my marriage before it even begun.
It was the longest 8months of my life, living in pain and loneliness. Tayo had travelled 2 months ago, without any bye, hello or how do you do! His mother has been a real support, even though I can't bear to tell her half the things that happen in my home.  I drove myself to the hospital for a scheduled ceaserian section; even my doctor knew I would be too weak to push. I called my family just before I was taken into the theatre.
My mother inlaw took me home with her, saying I couldn't take care of two new babies on my own, and I needed care. I was delivered of 2 healthy boys that decided they had to look exactly like their father! I had no idea if this should make me happy or sad. I pretended I was too weak to call my husband, knowing he wouldn't pick up my call and instead urged his mum to deliver the news. She told him to come home as we only had about 4days to the naming ceremony. Tayo's mum is just precious and rare amongst jewels; not bothered about all that happened, not caring that I'm just a daughter inlaw, she treated me like I was conceived in her womb. She forced me to eat about four or five times in a day just so I wouldn't look so thin on the naming of her grandsons. Tayo returned the night before the naming, and I suspect he would rather not be there at all. The boys were already asleep so he didn't see them till the next morning. He stared at them as though an injustice had been done, and wouldn't touch them. My boys were named "Temitope & Temitayo" names I had to decide on, on my own bearing in mind that Tayo wouldn't give them any. Tope and Temi seemed to sense their father's aloofness as well and tried not to disturb when he was in the room. The Times when they cried at night though, received curses from my husband. I would hurriedly take the babies out to feed and change them, dose off getting them settled, only to be woken by a kick or nudge telling me to go into the room before his mother woke up. I was with my mother inlaw till the boys were 41 days old, although Tayo had returned home since the week after the naming. When we got back home, I finally designed my boys' room. I had avoided doing it for so long, either as a result of my depression or a little hope that I might loose the pregnancy and get back my husband. Having had the boys now though, and not needing a DNA test to proof they belong to Tayo, I now know that my husband is long gone. Even if I had lost the pregnancy, the damage had already been done. He would never be mine again!
I wasn't taught to give up easy though, so I remained in my home. Tayo and I had bought the house shortly before our court wedding and had consummated the wedding on the very bed I sleep in. I moved my things, and my boys into the guest room on a weekend he wasn't home. It's time to move on, and stop being so depressed. The memories were hard on me, but I can't hold on to the past anymore. I now had my boys to think of, to be strong for! I resumed work as soon as I could after the 3rd month, went shopping for the whole year I had missed in the fashion world, and adequately cleaned myself up. I enrolled my boys in one of the best schools, paid their fees easily, without ever talking to Tayo about it. This went on for 2 more years under the same roof and I doubt it if he knew his kids had started schooling at all. On a rainy sunday afternoon, he had his friends come over and I automatically switched to my role as hostess. I fed them all sorts of delicacies and smiled all through. None of them knew that we had 2 growing boys in the house. They weren't invited to the naming ceremony. The boys came down to get their lunch when his best friend saw them. He exclaimed as though he had seen the impossible!!

Thursday, 19 June 2014

Happily Never After?...

My Nikkah was the best and most glamorous event this town had ever seen. It was filled with colours and the open space couldn't have seen better decorations. My husband and I decided on a garden wedding as our theme, so we had to to create a garden on an open field at a fine location. We had so many visitors and well wishers, that there was barely any space left on the field. The Imam joined us as man and wife quickly, and wasted no time quoting verses from the Qur'an. Wedding reception started immediately and it wasn't a dull moment from beginning till the end. The food was surplus, laugh was contagious, and dance was FUN! We didn't want it all to end, but we had to rest, to begin our lives as man and wife. I had booked a room (the honeymoon suite) at a prestigious hotel to spend our wedding night in before leaving for Bahamas in d morning. To my surprise however, my husband had no desire of spending our special night in an hotel. He felt like being around people, namely: his family. His suggestion was cool with me, because they are my family too. I'm not saying that because we just got married, its the truth. I am a lucky woman: blessed with an amazing man, and wonderful in-laws. His parents adopted me as their daughter since they first laid eyes on me. Tayo and I were so much in love! We had only been dating for 10months when he asked me to marry him, but anyone would assume we had been together forever! His mum often joked about how her son might have lived unhappily if he had never met me. We got married legally (at the registry) about 2 months before our Nikkah took place. Tayo insisted we consummate the wedding for the first time that night, and after that, we could barely keep our hands off each other. It was no secret to either family, but they weren't bothered because we both had very busy schedules and with the wedding preps? We didn't see often. The Times we did see though, was always magical. I found out I was expecting our first child 2 weeks before the Nikkah. I told my mothers about it but urged them to keep it from my husband. I wanted that to be his wedding gift, given to him on our proper wedding night. I anticipated the moment and ordered flowers for the suite at the hotel, which wouldn't be used now. I quickly let my thoughts slide as Tayo hung up the cell. It was his best man that called to wish him well. If truth be told, Tayo looked genuinely happy and I smiled to myself. Happy, Content, and Positively in love.... for the rest of my days.- My wedding goal!
We got home (his parents), and water was poured on my leg (for fun, as they had no idea how to perform the rite) before my husband carried me in. We showered, changed into casuals, prayed with the family, had some fruit and talked. My in-laws took the time to advice us both, gave us candid talks, and possible solutions to some popular problems newlyweds usually face. It was almost 10pm when I excused myself. It had been a long day, I was tired and we're going on our honeymoon the next morning. I also had it nagging my mind that I was yet to tell Tayo he would be a father. If I hadn't slept yet before he came in, then I would still tell him tonight. I could hear his mother telling him to come join me in the room, and I ran into the bedroom to wear my sexy wedding lingerie. I didn't have to look in the mirror, I only had to judge by the feel of the satin and lace material on my body. I am beautiful, and I feel sexy as hell! A few minutes after I sat down to brush my hair and pack it in a cute way for the night, I heard faint footsteps ascending the stairs. I jumped unto the bed when I had made sure my hair complemented my outfit, and laid in a provocative manner. Butterflies played around in my abdomen. I was anxious to see the look on his when he walked into the room. I had on my megawatt smile as the door opened, only for my smile to be wiped away.....

Monday, 19 May 2014


I am an addict!
You may think it's the most natural thing to say, but it's not. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to tell myself and the world but it is also the truth. For a 24 year old lady with a bright future and limitless opportunities, its is a big deal.
I am an addict: a drug addict. I have never smoked, and never even come in contact with hard drugs, but I still found myself being a drug addict. I have been emotionally and psychologically drained in more ways than one. I have been battling with depression, as well but none of this is the cause of my addiction. Three years ago, I was involved in a ghastly road accident that killed my driver, friend, and almost took my life. I was rescued by God-fearing people and taken to a government hospital were I was cared for, for a few hours before my family heard about the incident. My father wasted no time transferring me to one of the best (also one of the most expensive) hospitals in the city. I was immediately attended to, operated on, and given the best care during recovery. I kept asking when I could go home, and although i felt weak, I assumed I was alright. I was in the hospital for almost 3 months recovering beautifully in a private room with first class service. HOME away from HOME, my mother would jest and indeed, I started seeing that lovely room as "home". The day I was discharged from the hospital was the beginning of my problem. By midnight, I had started to feel terrible pains around the surgery site and could barely sleep. When I complained at the hospital the next day, I was told it was natural to feel the pains. The muscles weren't healed yet and would take some time due to the location of the injury. He said there wasn't much they could do but wait for the muscles to regenerate themselves and get back to work. He however gave me some Diclofenac, and assured me that the more my muscles begin to get active/strong, the less pain I would have until I became pain free. I took comfort in his words and used my drugs religiously. I used all type of the NSAIDs (Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drugs), but none worked. The first week was the worst. I thought for sure, I would die! My folks started to insinuate that I was seeking attention. This drove me back to the hospital to inquire if my pain was natural. The doctor told me that I had been on pain relievers twice a day, everyday for all the time spent there. They had known the pain would be excruciating and had to cushion it with injections. Pentazocine injections.
I didn't have to search very hard to get this drug. The pharmacist around the corner sells it, and its quite cheap too. I bought about 5 injections and syringes the first time to be cautious. As soon as the pain came again that night, I didn't mind the needle prick and I injected myself. 1ml of awesomeness... Just 1ml, and I forgot what pain was. For 6hours, I was pain free and able to sleep soundly. I researched the drug, read about it side effects, worried about self medication but it all didn't matter when I administered it on myself every night to help me sleep and feel good, rather than crying in pain. I promised myself that I would stop as soon as the pains stop. I TRIED to stop a year later when the pains did stop. I just couldn't.
Every night for 3 years, I inject myself because without it, I cannot sleep. I have read journals and articles on how to stop using a drug after you get dependent on one. I have tried to force myself from using, only to relapse again because I cannot sleep. Being a Yoruba Nigerian lady, I have been doubtful of getting medical help or any type of help at all for fear that I would be judged hastily. I completely accept the blame, and take full responsibility for my actions but I needed people to understand how this happened. I am not a bad girl, but I am an addict.
I have written this post as a silent plea, hoping no one will judge me hastily.
I am addicted to pain relievers, and I don't know how to stop.
Please drop your comments, advice and suggestions in d comment box below....

Con amor

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

NIGERIA..... *sigh*

Initially, I had no intention of creating a post from an horrible event that has had the whole nation brood and shed tears but I have observed that we live in a part of the world where human lives worth nothing....

It has been almost a month now since 274 secondary school girls were abducted in Borno state Nigeria, and not much has been done to get these girls back (that is, if anything is being done at all). When will the killings stop? When the the bloodshed end? Will the human sacrifices ever end? Who are these boko haram terrorists? They are men, with flesh on their skin and blood in their veins. They are inhuman individuals that carry out the will of Shaytan (Satan), and not that of Allah. These men, as much as they terrorise the nation, have mothers! They weren't thrown out of the skies... They have wives, or at least women they enjoy sexual companionship with; and a majority of them must have CHILDREN!!!!! Why then, must they allow little girls to suffer for what they didn't do?

Having said that, I also need to take a few lines to address our President's response to the incident. It is only in Nigeria that a president, can go campaigning for a second term shortly after 274 girls were abducted by terrorists in his country. Where and how does a sane human being act thus? Lives and properties have been lost, Children have been abducted, and all a President of a nation cares about is a chance to rule again the second time. In other parts of the world where 20% of these events didn't even happen, their presidents had to step down and resign because he had failed his people and the nation. In Nigeria however, it ain't no big deal...

My heart goes out to the families that have been affected one way or the other by these terror attacks in the country. My prayer is that the Lord help you find a way to console you. As for the missing girls, please bring back these little girl unhurt. Allah will never ask a man to kill, sell, rape or forcefully marry small kids to please him. Islam is a religion of peace and true muslims are peaceful. I am a muslim and i insist we are not terrorists! Stop giving our religion bad names!!

Nigeria needs to step up with its responses to emergencies. We need to start valuing each other, and remember that each life is precious! May the Lord protect these girls wherever they are, and may he spare their lives.

God bless Nigerians; God bless us all!

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Memories: all we have

A week ago, I received the news of the death of a dear person with sadness and anguish. I would have written this post sooner,  but grief wouldn't let me. I had to wait for the anger in me to subside. I was told initially that she had malaria and had died in the hospital while being treated. It sounded both crazy and unbelievable to me, malaria? Really? Just how bad was it to take the life of someone so young and sweet?...
My aunt as I called her, died in a supposedly "good" hospital due to wrong diagnosis. She was tested and diagnosed with malaria on Sunday the 23rd of february, given medications, and told to go back home. At 4am the next day, she was rushed back to the same hospital. This time, she was admitted and they wasted no time in passing drips into her body. One crazy thing I can't seem to get over though is how long it took the laboratory to get a patient's test result. It was later discovered that afternoon that she had actually been battling with diabetes, and that her sugar level was too high. This is an hospital she had been using for years, she had her 2 kids there and it was more of a family hospital for them. Sad, and all the doctors could say is that they were sorry. My aunt died that evening of february 24th after collecting 22drips (in less than 15hours), at the very tender age of 31. Survived by her father, siblings, husband (who was also her bestfriend), her 21 months old daughter, and her very cute 5month old son...
Inalilahi wainalilahi rajiun

This event touched me a lot, to the core... thinking of how neglectful some of our hospitals are in this country. They waste people's lives at will, and without remorse. It is bad enough that the insecurity in this country claims lives on daily basis, but what excuse do the people we trust to save us have for killing us? You took an oath to "have up-most respect for human life", and you are trusted fully. We run to these people at the slightest ache, because we believe in them. How can some of these doctors sleep knowing they were the sole reason why people died? Who, in his right mind prescribes 22drips for a patient in one day? Even if it were malaria, does it sound sane?

This takes me back 6years...
In 2008, I had just completed my 3rd year in Igbinedion. I remember it vividly like yesterday, how happy I was that I would be in my final year in a few months. I had only been home on holiday for a week, when I had a crisis. A crisis in September wasn't normal for me, but who knows?.... I had shared a piece of cake with my sister the night of the 13th and while everyone slept, I was writhing in pains. My chest had started troubling me more than any other joint lately, and I couldn't breathe properly. I remember staying awake, trying to manage myself till at least 4 am when I could go wake my parents. At 2am however, I gave up hiding the pain and woke my parents. They wasted no time in rushing me to the nearest "good" hospital at such a dangerous time. I still remember my father's anger that no doctor attended to me for almost 30mins after we got there, saying the head doctor wasn't in yet. It was only after my father tried to take me out of there that they finally admitted me and tried to keep me hydrated. I was given some pain relievers, and I could barely sleep through that night. In the morning, my sis n cousin came to check up on me and I recall laughing with them regardless of the pain I was in. The nurse came in to give me some drugs, and injection shortly after... that was the last thing I remember... Until I woke up about 2weeks later in another hospital, weak and tired.
I later found out that I was given an overdose of a certain drug, that drove me into a coma. The owner and head doctor of the hospital then urged my parents to remove me from their hospital as they "wouldn't want a patient to die in their care. There was nothing they could do anymore, and they doubt it if the girl would make it". By the time my parents got me to my now hospital, the doctors said half my cells were dead. I was in seclusion all through the period I was in coma, with 5lines passing through various veins and machines keeping me alive. By the grace of God, I survived and I woke up. My parents were then told that my pcv was about 5%, and sent on a wild goose chase for blood. I must have taken about 10pints of blood, and excreted them. They told me that no-one could survive with a pcv lower than 11%, but I did. September to November 2008 was a very stormy and trying period for me. Survival was uncertain at first, but eventually I came through it all with smiles and my head held high. I have not stepped foot anywhere near that hospital till this day, with a constant thought that I should have sued them the minute I woke up. Everyone tells me to be grateful that they rejected me at the hospital, but people fail to answer me when I ask if it's right!

Friday, 14 February 2014

Feb 14th came by & ruined me…..What’s next? ….. BY Fairygem

All I was hoping for was to surprise her…………..
‘I wish I could be in your arms forever’, those were her exact words a week back as I left for my unintended 2-weeks work trip.
 I can still recall that faithful day, strolling hand-in-hand along the garden path with a foreign sense of euphoria while the rest of the world was tuned out of my mind. Trying to get back the sensation right now, but it’s hopeless because the veins that were pumping with warm blood are now covered with icy daggers. Looking up at her, it still seem like a blurry vision, Today is 15th of February and I just got served a dish of broken heart (right on time too as my wake up alarm just started beeping).
In mere words, if I had a soul mate there was no questioning that she will be the one. We are so compatible on a level that scares even me sometimes and it has always been that way. We’ve had trying moments but nothing we couldn’t get through.
I still recall the disappointment on her face when I told her about the impromptu but mandatory two weeks work training scheduled to run from the 7th till 21st of February. Just the look of disappointment on her face then slashed at my heart into two because of all the plans we have made for the approaching Feb 14th. ‘This was my love, the lady I want to spend the rest of my life with’, I was dead sure as I told her these exact words. ‘With the rest of eternity left to spend with me, why will an uncelebrated valentine matter?’…. If only I knew then
As always, we kissed and made up, though I knew she was sad, these were tough times and unemployment shouldn’t be added to my list of adversities. It seemed like a sign from God when the instructor pointed out the mistake with the course timeline and said we will be through by Thursday, Feb. 14th 2012. I felt giddy just thinking up scenarios and my love’s response to having me back home on the special day after all. For some reason, I just wanted (not quite the right word!!) I NEEDED this one day to stand out from all the rest and as the day approached, my eagerness and impatience grew…  With all arrangements made, my confirmation calls to various stores yesterday to ensure my orders have been well placed and ready for my pickup. I placed a call to her then, recalling every statement as it was just last evening…
I told her I will be attending an evening seminar (to make up for flight time, delays and all), so I will be unreachable for a few hours, and then confirmed what her plans were. I was more than happy when she said she will be going to see a movie after work with some work colleagues, (Great! I don’t have to sneak into our shared apartment and mistakenly get shot as I heard happened earlier that morning). With more questions, I discovered she will be seeing Flower Girl showing at 8:20pm at the Ikeja mall… This will place her back at home for about 11:00pm.. Everything was just falling into perfectly tidy knots and that should have been my cue about the pending disaster but within all the excitement, my anxiety became mistook for keenness.
I got to Lagos by 7pm, did multiple stopping to get the cake, chocolates, packed 3-course meal to go, flowers and of course, nothing like some fancy necklace to make my lady feel adorned. Everything was in place and I couldn’t wait to see the look on her face, to hold her in my arms again (and possibly never let go), those thoughts brought smiles into my soul.. Closing to 11 and I waited eagerly while trying her mobile number, switched off… (Blackberry batteries.. Arrgghh!!).
Minutes twisted into hours while I kept waiting, thinking of the worst (accidents) but hoping for the best (she crashed at a friend’s place). Its 6am as when a car pulled up in front of the house and my angel got down. A breathe of relief escaped from my lips.. She is alright, All I wanted to do was rush to pull her close, It’s a good thing that my train of thought paused me a bit, as I may have missed the lanky and well dressed guy who got down from the drivers’ seat and placed a full length French kiss on her lips.. Minutes passed by and I waited there.. staring at them, or was it hours? I see her point the entry door to the stranger while she switched her phone on…. I felt my phone vibrating while he walked towards the door, I knew who was calling and I couldn’t stop myself from picking up
‘Hello love’.. She said…. Her voice sounds so angelic while I see her throw a wink towards him…
I couldn’t speak, all I can think of were, the bottle of wine by the door, trail of rose petals from the door to our dining table…. My heart sank as she ended the call (she probably thought it was a bad reception). She walked towards the door to meet her companion… I looked around searching for an Exit point, but I couldn’t move … All I could feel was the crippling weight of the engagement ring in my pocket.

Written By

Monday, 13 January 2014

#PLAN B!!!

It's a new year for me, a start-over, a year of endless opportunities... I know you're thinking the statement sounds dumb, but please don't be quick to judge. I know it's a new year for us all and it's an opportunity for each of us to start over, rewrite, or grasp the many chances life is throwing our ways. I can only speak for myself at this moment, and I'm saying "things must be different this year"!!!
Before I go on, I will like to wish you all a happy new year and prosperous 2014. I had the liberty of going to spend Christmas and new year in the UK with my family but after the well wishes and "celebrations", I had more than enough time to reflect on my life and what I want it to be. My very adorable sister (that's always there when I need her) made it particularly fun but eventually I was able to redefine myself. I was able to decide who I didn't want to be, and didn't want to be recognized as. I made it a point to go further and choose the people I'm leaving in 2013, never to be anything more than in the 'past'.
This year,  I have made no resolutions. I have no expectations, and I definitely do not have impossible dreams to be realized. This year started with me being clear-headed and realistic. In the past 3 years (2011, 2012, and 2013), I have noted that I made the same resolutions over and over as the years began and it is quite unfortunate that I didn't get any of them realized. It is not due to my lack of trying (because I DID TRY!), but due to "circumstances and other factors I couldn't possibly recognize as obstacles anymore". I let myself be easily dissuaded by mere feelings- anger, fear, frustration, insecurity, et al. I took my eyes off the prize and saw illusions of impossibility, obstacles!
Five years ago (in my final year at the university), I had dreams and hopes. I thought I knew what I wanted and needed. I assumed and set a goal for myself back then. 5 years.... It will be 5years that I have graduated by December this year, and that in itself is a major wake up call for me.
If I haven't realized any of my resolutions for the past three years and haven't achieved my five year goal till now, then I am definitely doing something wrong. It's time to reshuffle the cards, play the same game but with different rules/different tricks, and win big this time. This year, I'll not worry myself, nor will I stop for any reason. I had a dream, and I think I have let it lie for too long... Five years too long. I'm setting the pace now, and I'm going after what I want for me. Nobody else matters but me... And nobody will get in the way of that!

Yesterday's gone, and it's best to leave it be.... This is going to be a constant reminder to myself daily so I stop dwelling I the past. No matter how sweet and rosy the past seem to be in my head today, there was always a bitter side to it. The fact that today isn't full of sunshine doesn't mean there won't be a rainbow in the morning.