Friday, 20 June 2014

Happily Never After.... #2

I woke up to the noise and bright light surrounding me; slowly becoming aware  of my environment. My mothers both looked at me encouragingly but I sensed some anguish. I looked around trying to make sense of what was happening. What am I doing in what looks to be an hospital bed when I should be getting married to my heartthrob?/...OMG....
Awareness and memory rushed in at once and echoed in my head with an ache as i tried to sit up on the bed to make sense of anything. I had gotten married yesterday to the man of my dreams, and I was going to tell him about our baby when those men brought him up and made him watch (at gun point) as I was raped by 3 of them till I lost consciousness.
Hot tears flowed down my eyes, and I held on to myself. I looked at my mother inlaw's face again and my heart broke. Had those men hurt my husband when I lost consciousness? God please no! Not my beloved! Life would be meaningless without him in it. I looked up at my mum and the worry there, made me hold my tummy tighter. I tried saying something and asking questions but I couldn't. My throat felt rough & painful. My mother noticed the silent struggle and held me. She soothed me and I dropped into an exhausted sleep soon after. I woke the second time to an authoritative voice saying it was a miracle. They had thought the baby would die, assumed the violence would have aborted it. They would do all their best to save mother and child, while ensuring both were in the best of health.
A week later, I was back home feeling better and happier. Tayo wasn't hurt that night, and had stayed away from the hospital because he couldn't take it. Everything is okay now, was the biggest lie I ever told myself. I have my sweetheart, and my baby is still growing within me. Tayo knows now that I am pregnant, not the way I would have loved him to hear but it couldn't be avoided. For a newlywed however, Tayo was BUSY! This made it rather difficult to talk to him about anything. Not our baby, our future, and certainly not our wedding night! A month later, when my mother inlaw was convinced that I was strong enough, Tayo and I moved into our own house. I was happy because I thought it would help cushion the bitterness. They had repeated the story so much that I knew it by heart. The men had lied to the security that they were amongst the wedding party and hadn't given the couple the money received on their behalf, my brother inlaw had opened the main door and was shoved aside, the men seemed to recognise Tayo and congratulated him before asking after the bride. Five men in all, and they took nothing that night, except my fairytale...
Tayo had stopped eating my food, he only speaks to me when it can't be avoided, and he doesn't share my bed. Tayo now looks at me as if I am a dirty rag. Long gone is the sweet nature he always had with me,  replaced by a sour one. I tried everything I could. I pleaded, cried, tried getting his attention by dressing up sexy, to no avail. The more time passes, the more heavy I got, and the more he stayed away. It is really difficult for me. This is the man I had thought would kill just to make me happy. I do understand his plight also, and all I wished was for him to talk to me about it; to try and resolve it. It was me that was raped: it was me that had to scream over and over for help: it was me that had to face the fact that those men came only for one purpose, to ruin my life!: it is me that I've had to think over & over if I could have offened anybody so badly that they would turn my happiest day into the sadest: it is me that I've had to spend hours on my praying mat, not to ask for anything but to pray for the men who ruined my marriage before it even begun.
It was the longest 8months of my life, living in pain and loneliness. Tayo had travelled 2 months ago, without any bye, hello or how do you do! His mother has been a real support, even though I can't bear to tell her half the things that happen in my home.  I drove myself to the hospital for a scheduled ceaserian section; even my doctor knew I would be too weak to push. I called my family just before I was taken into the theatre.
My mother inlaw took me home with her, saying I couldn't take care of two new babies on my own, and I needed care. I was delivered of 2 healthy boys that decided they had to look exactly like their father! I had no idea if this should make me happy or sad. I pretended I was too weak to call my husband, knowing he wouldn't pick up my call and instead urged his mum to deliver the news. She told him to come home as we only had about 4days to the naming ceremony. Tayo's mum is just precious and rare amongst jewels; not bothered about all that happened, not caring that I'm just a daughter inlaw, she treated me like I was conceived in her womb. She forced me to eat about four or five times in a day just so I wouldn't look so thin on the naming of her grandsons. Tayo returned the night before the naming, and I suspect he would rather not be there at all. The boys were already asleep so he didn't see them till the next morning. He stared at them as though an injustice had been done, and wouldn't touch them. My boys were named "Temitope & Temitayo" names I had to decide on, on my own bearing in mind that Tayo wouldn't give them any. Tope and Temi seemed to sense their father's aloofness as well and tried not to disturb when he was in the room. The Times when they cried at night though, received curses from my husband. I would hurriedly take the babies out to feed and change them, dose off getting them settled, only to be woken by a kick or nudge telling me to go into the room before his mother woke up. I was with my mother inlaw till the boys were 41 days old, although Tayo had returned home since the week after the naming. When we got back home, I finally designed my boys' room. I had avoided doing it for so long, either as a result of my depression or a little hope that I might loose the pregnancy and get back my husband. Having had the boys now though, and not needing a DNA test to proof they belong to Tayo, I now know that my husband is long gone. Even if I had lost the pregnancy, the damage had already been done. He would never be mine again!
I wasn't taught to give up easy though, so I remained in my home. Tayo and I had bought the house shortly before our court wedding and had consummated the wedding on the very bed I sleep in. I moved my things, and my boys into the guest room on a weekend he wasn't home. It's time to move on, and stop being so depressed. The memories were hard on me, but I can't hold on to the past anymore. I now had my boys to think of, to be strong for! I resumed work as soon as I could after the 3rd month, went shopping for the whole year I had missed in the fashion world, and adequately cleaned myself up. I enrolled my boys in one of the best schools, paid their fees easily, without ever talking to Tayo about it. This went on for 2 more years under the same roof and I doubt it if he knew his kids had started schooling at all. On a rainy sunday afternoon, he had his friends come over and I automatically switched to my role as hostess. I fed them all sorts of delicacies and smiled all through. None of them knew that we had 2 growing boys in the house. They weren't invited to the naming ceremony. The boys came down to get their lunch when his best friend saw them. He exclaimed as though he had seen the impossible!!

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