Time..

One day, you suddenly realise that time is a gift. A gift so precious it could be lost at any minute. We try so hard to hold on, however we can. We make plans for years unknown. We study so hard hoping to become something we have no idea if its supposed to be. We work long hours diligently telling ourselves that we are building a better future for ourselves and ourselves. But one thing I forget is that time is so fleeting, and could disappear in a second. Everything we ever worked so hard for, could all become meaningless. We forget to live in today and actually enjoy the time we currently have. Why the greed of making plans for so long a time? When then one that is currently being given isn't being utilised?

This is what I realised today. I have spent so long worrying, in fear, being bitter, and hoping for more time. Yet I failed to realise that I already had the right time. Just enough time to live a worthy life. Enough time to live happily. Enough to just laugh and stop to smell each rose on my way, to feel each stroke of wind on my skin, to bask in the feel of warmth that the sun radiates when it shines. I forgot that everything in life is of its own purpose, and all the Lord created were made to support the other. When was the last time I went out just because I wanted to take a breath of fresh air? Certainly not in the past 13 years.  Then again, what am I really asking for more time for?  Have I even enjoyed the one he has given me so far? Of what point is an underutilized time, when there are some who truly deserve it that don't get it.

If I died this minute, I don't think I would have any regrets but I am certain I would be very unhappy, not because I didn't have enough time but because I had plenty of time and didn't even recognise it.

We live in the past sometimes, looking back at the things we did right and sulking about things we did wrong. Yet on other days, we live in the future and imagine things we have no idea will ever be realised and forgetting that just because we want something doesn't mean we will get it. We pleasure ourselves prematurely into believing that there is perfection at the end of a future dream, then become shadows of ourselves once reality hits and force ourselves into depressed states.  Unless it's to take something needed to live fully in the present, no one has a business looking into the past. Similarly, no one should live in the future when the present is not being lived, you have no business living in your mind while neglecting your NOW. Face your present, do what you can, and be mindful that the time you're in is fleeting, so live as such.

Living in the present is the best thing anyone can ever do for themselves. Don't take time for granted, and live without excuses. Always remember that tomorrow may never come...

LETTER TO ME, @ 19!

 Eyitayo, happy birthday to you!

I hope your birthday is everything you hope it would be; boring & unworthy of celebration. How do I know? Because I am YOU! Well, I used to be you, 15 years ago. I also know right now, that you're scared shitless. You are currently wondering if this year will be your last, and you're wondering if living was actually worth it if you never experienced any of the things you read & wrote about- love, partying, sex, and freedom of the mind. My advice for this? DON'T DO IT. Stop worrying and just do you. Trust me when I tell you, that you don't really like any of those things. You're classy that way. The experience wasn't worth the pain and drama. Yes, you did meet a nice boy that you convinced yourself into loving, but it truly doesn't work that way.  Love, like you used to write about and failed to read yourself, is not supposed to be spoken into existence. It's just supposed to be. Your kindness, commitment and tolerance will not matter. Resist the urge to accept the challenge of love. Boys are bad for you right now, so focus on yourself, invest in self love, your religion and learn the art of being happy with oneself quicker.

I do have good news for you though, we DID make it! Of course we had several close calls, but we made it out alive every time. Today, as we turn 34, I chose to write this letter to you in case it makes it way to you by some miraculous chance. I spent 15 difficult years worrying and waiting for the crisis or pain that will make me take my final breath. My precious Eyitayo, you don't have to do the same. It's okay to worry about life, but don't spend every minute of each day worried about dying. Everyone will die eventually, but having no regrets when we do die should be the aim. I need you to do better, so please live your life to the fullest!. Remember the promises we made as a little girl, that we would always be a good and responsible girl for our family? We are doing a good job of it, albeit some mistakes and misjudgements. Do not allow doubts to creep into your mind, that you are not worthy of your ambitions and dreams. The doubt and fear will slowly kill you from within, faster than sickle cell anemia.

As of today, in the year 2023, I am finding it very difficult to remember who you are, what you enjoyed, things you loved to do, and what you are interested in. I really did lose my way and allowed my mind to live for me, in fear. Please do not make the same mistake I did. Live in the present, enjoy every moment, love with your heart fully & completely, and trust cautiously. Don't be pressured into doing what you never wanted to do, believe me, we spent the past 15 years hurting inside, disappointed in ourselves, and wishing we hadn't. Sometimes, we have even gone as far as self-loathing, so do you see why investing hugely in loving yourself is important? We still don't believe in regrets, but we have a difficult time reconciling with some of our actions. Right now Eyitayo, you haven't made much, but if you listen to me, you might be able to keep it that way.

Do you remember when I said that boys are bad for you now? You might wonder, at 19? Calm down darling, you did not suddenly become a lesbian. I am telling you to give yourself more time. Learn more about yourself and pay close attention to your stress triggers. We found that boys trigger us emotionally which sometimes makes the pain come.

You have to prepare yourself sweetheart, because there's a storm brewing up towards you right now. This is what changed us completely in the course of time. At 34, we have been to the theatre about 7 times. I'm not proud to say this, but I did not handle it well for us, so I think I should equip you with the important information you need to sail through.

1) In a few months (precisely September 2008), you will have acute chest syndrome for the first time and slip into a coma. You will be rejected for fear of dying by a hospital, but pay no attention to that; you spent almost 2 weeks in a coma attached to a life support machine; many cells in your body would begin to shut down and you would miraculously wake with a PCV lower of about 5% ; you'll miss the planned trip to the US but let go of that disappointment quickly; you spent months recuperating in the hospital and at home, making you resume your final year a little late; and what probably hurt you most was the beautiful textured voice you lost, this made you stop singing to even soothe your pain. Please DO NOT EVER stop singing to make yourself better!.

2) Almost immediately after your 20th birthday in March 2009 (barely 4 months after your late resumption), you will begin to have extremely painful aches, that will get worse with each passing day, making it difficult to walk, study, drive and focus. This will make you reliant on ibuprofen and Diclofenac a lot. During one of the really bad episodes, you will admit yourself at the University teaching hospital and a nurse will tell you about pentazocine injection, and how it would help you manage your crisis by yourself. Please sweetness, DO NOT LISTEN TO HER. 

3) Also, do not ignore those pains as mere chronic crisis. Nothing is supposed to hurt that much. You endured it in silence while popping ibuprofen pills for almost 7 months. On October 22nd 2009 (on the exact day you resumed uni in 2005), you will be diagnosed with Avascular necrosis of both hips and your condition would have detoriated badly by then. Both hips would be rapidly collapsing and the hip bone would be resting on jagged edges of the femur.  Fear not, you will eventually get a total hip replacement in May and July 2010 for each hip. My advice though, please DO NOT fight the pain. It's unending, so just allow it to run its course. DO NOT refuse help when it's offered and DON'T shut down just because people say sorry to you. You pushed out every one away from your life, and even your family barely made it. Jummie is the only one whose love and devotion was unwavering. She stuck by you and refused to leave. She drowned you in so much love, and never treated you different from usual. STOP being so damn strong as to think you can take on anything or pain, this made you refuse using crutches, for a mere walking stick, for several months until you could no longer stand.

4) You made it through school. Graduated with a second class lower against all odds, and submitted an incredible research project that was accepted by physiological societies around the world. Mr Kazeem had to go defend that by himself due to your condition but he was genuinely a big brother to you all through uni. You deferred your NYSC, but still had to do it with crutches. You no longer travelled to Ontario to major in blood physiology, so I suggest you begin to make a backup plan. You ended up working for Daddy, and even though you gave it your all & did the work incredibly, it also did not help you psychologically.

5) When you became ready to get better, you went to Kaduna at 32, and met the most incredible team of fellows/friends ever. Your name became Athena, so you can start using it already since it is the most amazing nickname ever (plus no one ever gave you a nickname anyways)

6) After your 2 surgeries in 2010, as well as almost 2 months hospital stay due to complications during surgery, INSIST on going for therapy for your mental health. You looked okay, but you really weren't. The entire ordeal left you in self doubt, and great fear. Talk to someone about your nightmares, take out time to heal, and CRY! Cry your lungs out Eyitayo. Crying doesn't make you weak, it only signifies acceptance & empathy. None of what happened was ever your fault. God is not so cruel, so DON'T you dare blame him. He had his plans for us. He wanted us to be stronger for the many more years we had ahead, so DON'T stop praying like I did SONT stop believing in HIM, because your entire life journey alone is a miracle worth testimony. I mentioned that you would wish you never had a boyfriend earlier because you began to tell yourself that if only you never had a boyfriend, maybe you wouldn't have an acute chest syndrome that night, and maybe you wouldn't have slipped into a coma, and maybe the avascular necrosis wouldn't have come... But if all that hadn't happened, what might have happened? Stroke? Organ failure? Death?

7) DO NOT ever forget who you are my love, because currently, we are struggling with your identity.

8) DO NOT allow your parents to transfer their fears unto you. Allow them to love you & love them back, but live your own life and follow your dreams. DO NOT allow anyone to tell you that you're incapable of doing anything. 

9) If you could see us now, you would be disappointed. We did everything wrong and became all the things you said you never wanted to be. We have been working for dad since NYSC in 2010 (over 12 years), and spent 11 of those years always high on pentazocine injection. As I said earlier, DO NOT LISTEN to that nurse. Even though you didn't take the injection throughout the excruciatingly painful period, you began to fear pain every crisis after that felt like another terrible pain waiting to happen and you turned towards injection for the first time in 2011, after the entire ordeal. If you find yourself in a situation, become too overwhelmed and make the mistake of taking the injection, don't be disappointed at yourself, just seek help for us immediately. I wish I had done that quicker, but always remember that your life is a precious cargo my darling.

10) Finally, ALWAYS listen to your sister. She has only the best advice and intentions for you. She is indeed our world and everything we love in it.

The ONLY thing we did right in the past 15 years, is never allowing our smile to wither away. We have smiled through it all, and are still smiling.

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY TO YOU, AND 34TH BIRTHDAY TO US, EYITAYO. ALWAYS REMEMBER TO NEVER LEAVE YOUR SMILE BEHIND!!!!

All my love,

Your future self!..

Finding Help

Yesterday (22/02/2023), I celebrated my 6th month of sobriety. To many, it didn’t seem a big deal but to me, it meant the world. The significance was much more than the sobriety to me, it is the strength I have exhibited. I went back, reflected and reminisced on my life, my journey and my choices. Oh yes, I have made so many mistakes in my life, and I totally take responsibility for my choices, albeit bad or good. However, becoming an addict unknowingly at 22 wasn’t what I signed up for. All I wanted at the time, was a moment of reprieve from pain. I had been through and seen a lot and the worst of it, in very little time, so I just wanted it all to stop, for a minute, just a break maybe?…

I had spent so much time at the hospital and this injection was administered on me over and over and over again. Every time I was discharged, I got the injection before leaving the hospital. And then, I was expected to use tablets that no longer had any effect on my excruciating pain? The pain of both my hips collapsing daily is by far still the worst I have ever had but the pain I felt in my heart after that ordeal, ended up being worse. I genuinely thought it was over for me in 2009/2010, even though I maintained a strong front for the family. I felt betrayed, I felt abandoned, I blamed myself for not being strong enough, I blamed God for not keeping HIS promises to me. I was only 21 with a frightening fear that I was living my final year on earth, had two major surgeries while opting to stay awake on both occasions, and then had complications with the second one, stayed in an hospital bed for about 2 months while recuperating, did physiotherapy through the pain, and had to learn how to walk all over again like a baby. I went for my youth service after the first surgery but before the second, meaning I was in a lot of pain and had to use crutches for most of my service year. Funny as it sounds, all through this journey, I never took injection by myself. I wore my pain like a badge of honour and felt it deep in my bones. Till this day, if anyone asks me why I stayed awake during major surgeries that I was warned about because listening to the drills and feeling the cuts and seeing the blood could lead me to a cardiac arrest. I would always give the same response as I did to my doctors then- that I didn’t want to mistakenly find solace in the darkness and slip away nor did I want to wake up and realise that the thought of being pain free was just a dream. My second surgery was harder than the first and we ended up spending more than 4 hours on a surgery that took only 2 hours during the first one I did 3 months prior. Like every scared girl, I panicked during the surgery after 3 hours, because I thought something was terribly wrong, making my BP rise. They almost knocked me out for fear of my life, so I began to talk to them about my sister. I was so tired though, and I made a plea to God to make the suffering stop!

Now I look back and wonder why I decided to find solace in pain relieving injections after I had gotten both surgeries done rather than before, and it still comes down to the same thing- PAIN. The complications I had, took me back to the theatre and I was so disappointed that my wellness had to come with a catch, that I simply zoned out psychologically. I had prayed to never go through such again but I had to be taken into the theatre barely two weeks later. I had accepted my fate and was ready for death whenever it came knocking

I used to be a young girl with great plans. I thought I had the world at my feet, I felt like I could do anything I put my mind to, and then it all crashed when life happened making a heavy dose of realisation hit. I was unable to go for my master’s, was forced to work for my father (even though I ended up doing it well), was not allowed to pursue any of my numerous dreams, and my life seemed to only be ridden in pain… And now I ask myself, why I turned to using injections. I was frustrated from the very start. Maybe hiding my frustrations made me avoid depression for as long as I possibly could, but I couldn’t run away from it forever. I saw my life as a pathetic excuse, I wallowed myself deep in self-pity, I forgot about the great times & privileges life had given me and allowed two seasons of constant tribulations to shape my life.

I admit that the first time I ever used it by myself was because I was having crisis pains. Okay, maybe the second and third times too but I now understand that the only reason I had so much pain in the first place was because my heart was aching. I had nobody to talk to and I didn’t want to sulk. My sister is the only one that had a little idea of my genuine emotions but even she was left out of many because I couldn’t bear to make her worry AGAIN! I recall my anaesthetist during my first surgery, Mr Ou Falayi, spoke to me after the surgery. He said he was genuinely shocked at the thought of someone so happy and always smiling even though I was in too much pain. “How can you be so bubbly and happy about all these, have you even considered the psychological implications of everything?” I never answered the question but told him my smile was all I had and that I refused to loose it. We spoke a lot after that and he managed to distract me quite often. He also made me avoid conversation about sickle cell anaemia and the upcoming 2nd surgery, but everything stopped suddenly, only for me to hear a few months later that he had died. Till today, I wish I had entertained the discussion, maybe he knew something I didn’t…

My head told me over and over and over again that I was in pain only because my heart was deeply troubled, making my stress levels high. I didn’t know how to cope with the several stress triggers I was experiencing, so I did what I did best to cope, I wrote different genres and poured a little bit of my hurts in each, but it was never enough. It was after my 30th birthday that I realised that I needed to get help. That was when I finally forgave myself for something that never in my control, but realising you need help and getting it are two different things. Now the challenge was letting my family know about my dependence on pain relieving injections and then experiencing the same disappointments I did years ago, only it was directed at me this time. Then I tried being strong and stopping by myself, because it’s as easy as that right? Just stop it the way you began it, but no it wasn’t. I almost killed myself in the process, so I continued. At 32 when I decided to take a chance and go to Kaduna for a whole year for Kashim Ibrahim Fellowship, my entire life changed. I was reminded about who I used to be and how much I loved life. I remembered how hard I used to laugh at silly things. I loved everything around me that was natural, things I stopped caring for. I began to remember slowly, how hard I worked and fought for what I wanted.

Today, I realise that I actually stopped enjoying life and simply existed in life. I stopped pursuing my dreams and passions. I stopped feeling true emotions. The minute I picked up that injection 12 years ago, was the day my life paused. I took the step six months ago with only sheer determination and fear to kick-start my life again. It has been extremely difficult and challenging mostly because there is a demon always trying and lurking around my mind, hoping I would fail, BUT my mama never raised a failure so I keep surviving and taking it a day as it comes.

I allowed sickle cell anaemia and the self pity that accompanies it to trap me in an unending cycle of medication abuse and when pentazocine gave me a bit of timeout from the pain, worries, hurts and stress, I took it without thinking twice.

I know many people like me are currently experiencing this? Since my journey, I have found that most sickle cell Warriors self inject/medicate. We want to be stronger, we hide our pains, we want to prove that we aren’t different from others but guess what? We ARE different, because we are stronger than they can ever know, and there is a deep beauty in difference. I implore you to please seek help, it's not your fault. All you did was become a victim of the bad system in this country. I only heard of that injection from a nurse, and I should have been weaned off it before hospital discharge. Having someone to talk to sometimes helps with making such decisions, so feel free to contact me in private. We can find help for you together (WhatsApp 08081201705)

I used to think that I couldn’t live without pain relieving injections but now I know better. Now I know it was simply a way to keep me enslaved because I have lived without it for 6 beautiful months, and I have never felt better! This is how I know you can do it too.

 To the closest people that I have hurt greatly through the years, I sincerely apologize and I hope you can all find a way to forgive me someday.

Con Amor

MissEyitayo