Tuesday, 29 November 2016

trouble in paradise #2

…… I took it slowly and gentle with her, bearing in mind that she had never done this before. I took my time to pleasure her through foreplay so as to get her ready for me, and then I slipped myself into her…..gently…..slowly……waiting for the hymen to stop my entrance so I could tear it carefully. I was still waiting when I had completely immersed myself into her (and believe me, I am not on the small side). There were no restrictions, nor could I feel the walls of my wife’s vagina. After a couple of thrusts, I stopped because I just wasn’t feeling it. My wife looked up at me with a pout, and said “you should wear a condom, it makes the friction so much better”. I felt like the world had slipped and I was going into oblivion. Did Temilade just say what I believe her to have said? Oh My God!, Did that mean I have waited over a year to have sex with a girl that wasn’t a virgin? I felt played, I felt embarrassed, I felt like hiding my face in shame. I tried hard to breathe deeply, in and out to stay calm, then I asked “Temilade, you told me you were a virgin, what happened?”. My wife smile at me with malice and replied, “Honey, does it really matter if I am a virgin or not? We are married now, and that’s all that matters. Besides, I didn’t actually think you were serious when I said it. I just needed an excuse not to sleep with you, knowing I would return to my hometown after my service year”. She tried touching me and I swatted her hands away. I moved away from the bed, got dressed and took a drink out to the balcony. I was out for 2 to 3 hours, without even knowing. The only thing going through my mind was the girl I had already disvirgined in her prime, and wronged in every way. I wondered how she was doing now. Has she been able to forgive me and move on? I remember seeing her at my wedding reception, looking good but not quite happy: but then, who is ever happy at their ex’s wedding? I should call her as soon as I got home- give her some explanations at least. Would I say it was the devil? Or would I blame it on Temilade, who as of this minute is my new wife?. Temilade,…… I thought to myself. She had played her game so well without stopping to think of the repercussion. I had not even bothered to do all the necessary blood tests before we got married because I convinced myself that she’s got to be clean- she’s a virgin after all. I felt another wave of anger wash over me, and I continued to do breathing exercises. It wasn’t worth it right? We shouldn’t start our marriage on this sour note. I didn’t marry her because of her virginity, or did I? it shouldn’t really matter because I genuinely love her. I did not fall in love with her with her because she claimed to be a virgin, right? Right??.. I began to search myself for an answer.
By the next day, I had come to a conclusion that I would try as much as possible to make my marriage work. Partly because I did not want to be ridiculed, and mostly because I truly believed (after a lot of self convincing) it shouldn’t matter if my wife was a virgin or not. Although we had started off wrongly by giving the foundation a lie to rest on, but I intended correcting it. I discussed with Temilade at length on my decision and she explained that the deceit was not done purposely. She said I was eager to brand her as someone pure, and didn’t have the heart to tell me otherwise. Her family had been pestering her long before she graduated from school, and she saw me as her ticket to achieving her aim. She expressed how bitter she was about the situation, but assured me of her unwavering love for me. This was good for me; she was sorry, and I was willing to forgive. During the course of our stay in Europe, we tried getting to know each other better. It was good for us in every way, even sexually. Although I was used to Lara’s tight vagina during intercourse, I had to find a way to get used to my wife’s loose vagina. After all, I’ll be going in there for the rest of my life. At the end of our ‘honeymoon’, Temilade and I had become somewhat friends. We had decided she wouldn’t bother job hunting; it was better I start a business for her. I resumed work with the zeal of a newly wedded man, and I was able to say I felt happy!
Barely 2weeks after we returned home from the honeymoon, I noticed that Temilade had never entered our newly renovated kitchen to cook me a meal. She was always going out to buy our food, or placing orders at restaurants nearby. At first, I thought it was the euphoria of being newly married, but one day after asking her to make me vegetable and swallow from work, I returned home to find my wife dishing yellow eba and egusi on the dining table. The soup was so small, in comparism to the eba so I requested to have more soup. Here, my wife lamented that the lady who sold her meal had been quite stingy with the soup, meaning she had bought my dinner from a notable restaurant. I tried to hold the reigns on my anger, and said “If you had needed money for foodstuffs, you ought to have told me instead of buying this. I cant keep eating out”. It was when I saw her expression that a feeing doomed crossed over me. That pout was sitting over her expression, then she said, “Honey if you want home cooked meal, you’ll have to get a maid. Cooking is not amongst my skills”. She said it without as much as a blink. I could only stare at my wife of just a little over a month. I had no idea what to say, no could I think. I felt worn out emotionally and psychologically. Temilade was wearing me thin, and we hadn’t even made it to our first anniversary yet. I knew I couldn’t cope on simply restaurant meals because I was very much used to home-cooked meals. Lara had spoilt me with well nourishing diet. Eventually when I could face her later that night, I told her to get in touch with her mother to request for the maid. This seemed to make her happy, because she gave me a kiss right after I said it and said, “Thank God!, I was beginning to wonder how I would keep this house clean when dust begins to accumulate”.
Six months after I got married, I had gotten used to eating the crap our maid prepared every night. My wife did nothing in the house, she had even stopped giving me sex regularly. She even refused to take care of the business I started for her, preferring to get another maid for that purpose. All she did was hang out with friends, party, and party some more. We were virtually living as mere flat mates, and not a couple.  I had even begun to seek out Lara, with the pretense of apologizing. The love I felt for Lara came back into my heart in full, making me wish I hadn’t hurt her so much. Lara on the other hand refused to see me most days, and when she did pick my call, she made it brief. She made me understand that she had forgiven me, but could not be friends with me. If she had given me the chance, I would let her know that I wasn’t actually looking into being friends with her. All I wanted was to have my girl back, with all the good things that came with her. I never spent as much as I have in 6 months of being married, during my 10 years of dating Lara. She assisted me when I was down financially, never spent lavishly, and made me come first in her life! I didn’t recognize the perfection I owned in my life, and I gave her up in replacement of a worthless being. The lady I couldn’t wait to marry a year ago, had now become an object of disgust.
On our first anniversary, my wife shared pictures from our honeymoon on social media with sweet words to accompany them. To outsiders, it would look like we had the perfect relationship, such that some would have wished for a love like ours. At the end of the day, I received a facebook message from someone who I didn’t know personally. It contained pictures of my wife, naked with several men,  with some focusing on her wedding ring; letting me know that the pictures were taken after we got married. I wasn’t hurt by the pictures, as my heart never laid with her but I felt played all over again. What was I to call this? Karma, for what I had done to an innocent angel? Or was God simply paying me back for my past misdeeds?

Do I request to have a divorce, or do I stay with a pathological liar and cheat?, especially when she ‘claims’ to be having my child…. 


Trouble In Paradise...

Or what else do you call a total and absolute delusion about the marriage institution? It really was once a paradise, until it turned sour.
I met this lady through a mutual friend while she was serving her country in Lagos state. She happened to also be an engineer and that captured me instantly, along with her packaged beauty of course. As at the time I met Temilade, I was in a relationship that had begun back in the university, and was on its way to our 10th year together as a couple.  Naturally, every one (my parents included) had begun to do minor preparations for the wedding they were certain would come the following year between my girlfriend and I. Hell!, even I thought we would get married!. I just never gave it much thought, that is, until I met Temilade. Maybe it was due to the fact that she already took good care of me like a wife would, but I was never really bothered about asking her hand in marriage. Don’t misunderstand me please, I did love my girl, so much that I would do anything for her. She satisfied me with everything and anything I wanted. She would come on weekends to the house, clean up, do my laundry in the machine, cook my food, stock up the fridge, and of course satisfy me sexually. For some reason though, we men tend to take the ladies that stick with us for granted. I honestly never meant to hurt Lara, as she’d been with me through it all. I just took it too much for granted-  her love for me.
Temilade came as a breath of fresh air. A piece of mint gum when you just had a bowl of palm oil yam porridge. She tantalized my senses and sent me into a disillusioned state. Was it her fault? NO! it was all mine. For some reason, my girlfriend of 10years was no longer good enough- not in the kitchen, not in bed, and absolutely not at events. All I could think about was Temilade, and how she would do it so much better. At this point, I had started to date Temilade by the side, but we could not spend as much time as I would have loved together. Also, Temiade was quite busy with work at her primary assignment and I was immensely proud of her. On the other hand, I did not know how to end things with Lara whom I have been with for 10 years, so I begun to throw subtle signs at her. I would flare up for no apparent reason, insult her, talk ill of her family, reject her food, purposely lock her out on some weekends and lie about it. In all this however, she was ever so patient. She did not retaliate, nor did she relent in her effort to please me. She would even apologize  for what she didn’t do, pet me, feed me, and then make love to me. I know, I am guilty as charged!- I am but a man, and I have never been able to reject love making. Sometimes, it feels like she’s the only one that can make me feel like a man. Well, all that is before I met Temilade. Now all I think about, is how Temilade would do it better.

The weekend Temilade and I finally spent together was one of the best and most anticipated weekends of my life. We both had a getaway to the cattle ranch and lodged all weekend. We had so much fun, and it was like my fantasies came to life. When night came, Temilade explained to me that she was a virgin and did not wish to have sexual intercourse with a man until her wedding night. I was surprised. Really?! A 22 year old graduate that was still untouched in the century we are in? I was happy and excited to have met the perfect girl, forgetting that  the girlfriend of 10 years was also once a virgin until she began to please me with everything, including her body. I began to fall more deeply in love with Temilade, if that was even possible. I started to think of a future with Temilade, that did not include any other girl. This undercover relationship continued for 6 more months with me taking brief weekend getaway trips with Temilade. A month after Temilade’s passing out from NYSC, I was able to get us both tourists visa to France. We travelled the week leading to my 10th year anniversary with Lara, with me telling her I had to travel for work. Temilade and I got to Paris, and had a vacation to remember. We toured the city, tasted the local dishes and learnt about the culture. On the midnight of my 10th anniversary with Lara, I proposed to Temilade. I proposed in the most romantic city, at a time when it felt just right, in a beautiful location , with a ring that had been weighing a ton in my pocket. I didn’t mean to hurt Lara by proposing to another girl on our anniversary, I just couldn’t hide the ring anymore. Regardless, I was too weak to face her with the truth, so I took the cowardly option by posting pictures of Temilade and I vacationing in Paris all over facebook. I flooded my timeline with pictures of me proposing to Temilade and I went further by using a picture of us kissing as my profile picture. Temilade and I spent 2 more weeks (to make 3 in total) in the romantic French country before returning home.

When I got home, my key was in the lock and I didn’t have to be told that Lara had packed her personal belongings. I felt really bad, but relieved at the same time. “At least there wasn’t going to be a physical confrontation”… I said to myself. How would I look into her eyes and tell her I didn’t mean to hurt her, that I just found someone better? I kept on with my wedding plans, pretending like all was well. I did not call my ex (Lara), nor did I try to give her any explanations. I just didn’t know what to say to her. I knew I had wronged her but I kept justifying my actions by reminding myself that one must be selfish when it comes to matters of the heart. It is my own happiness that counts, isn’t it? The period between my proposal to Temilade and our proposed wedding date was less than six months. To say I was in a hurry is an understatement. I wanted my marriage to begin with me being a better person, and that included me giving my fiancée 100% fidelity. During these months, I really missed Lara. There was no weekend delicacies, no marathon sex to keep me sated, nothing.. Temilade insisted that until we had gotten married, she wasn’t doing the chores of a married woman.
The wedding was grand in all its glory. The cake, the décor, the food, the music, the wedding party…. Everything was superb. I couldn’t hide my joy that day. During the reception, I saw my ex briefly show up with a few of her friends.  The expression in her eyes showed disbelief, but it didn’t make me loose my cool. My heart was just filled with so much happiness. It was my day, and nobody was gonna take it away from me. Our honeymoon couldn’t begin soon enough, and we both were excited. We decided to go for special two weeks in the same place where I proposed marriage to her, and possibly tour neighboring European countries. It was heavenly, from the weather, to the food, and drinks, and the honeymoon suite in the hotel was fab! I felt I should begin exploring the city all over again, but all I really wanted was to finally touch my wife....

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

(not) My Business...

I have always wondered why some ladies like to act somewhat stupid- or at least they put up a good show at being stupid.
Recently I had a conversation with an old friend and of course we talked about our relationships. I was very happy to hear she was seeing a guy seriously and he wasn't even living in this country. He lives somewhere in Europe, has a good job, and loves her. What more could she ask for? So comes the question, why then haven't you 2 gotten married? Your 30th birthday was a couple of months ago and he is yet to propose. It is at this point that she thought it wise to open up to me.
Apparently the man she's dating is currently in a confused state. According to her, he does love her and really wants to spend his life with her but he's having some issues to sort through. I don't mean to seem like a pessimist but I had to ask the obvious; how do you know all this? Are you saying this because you want it to be true or because he told you so? He can't make a decision if to be with her or to stick with another lady for the sake of his child.- Lanre is a yoruba guy that made 'a mistake' at a young age. He impregnated a girl and the girl gave birth to a baby boy-. "She tried to hook him with a pregnancy!!" - So, his first child with another woman is about 6 years of age now. Lanre is an active father in the child's life, his baby mama is still single because she spends her time taking care of his kid, and he loves/wants to marry you-. Am I the only one who thinks this sounds wrong?! Honestly if Lanre was a responsible man and knew the meaning of condom, how would she tie him down?

I had to take a minute to calm myself at this point. Then I asked, "how old is the baby mama?" Baby mama is 32years (age mate with Lanre), and she's still single. "Are you certain she isn't waiting for her baby daddy to come for her and the kid?" No ooo, there is nothing between the girl and Lanre again. They are done!. "But how sure are you of this?" Lanre told me so the last time I asked him about their child on Skype. Besides, I'm praying a lot about it and I know Lanre will marry me soon.
I could no longer hold my outburst in check. He told you over Skype??? You have never met any member of his family in the 2 years you have been 'dating'. I know its good to pray for good results, but I had to ask. Is it the baby mama's fault that your man didn't use the condoms he should have? Is it the baby mama's desire to take care of a man's child for the rest of her life while other men must be avoiding to marry her because of that same liability? Do you think the baby mama doesn't pray harder than you for God to do his will in her life? Have you ever wondered about the child? If the child prays every night for his parents to marry so he can stop being bullied in school? I am not trying to be an advocate for the baby mama since I do not know her, but why do we like to behave as if others don't matter when it comes to what we want. I remember when my friend had a child in school and the guy said he had fallen in love with another girl on campus. We (yea, that includes me) all cursed this guy on various degrees. What he was doing was unfair. Going to her parents house to say you're the baby daddy is not your only responsibility. We all know that the society we live in frowns at having kids out of wedlock, but the taint is solely on the lady.
My question is, does it mean that I am not supposed to care what happens to another lady who's being wronged just because I want to get married?!
From the other lady's (baby mama) point of view, she had a child for the man she fell for 7 years ago. We can safely assume that they both decided to keep the pregnancy and Lanre must have promised to stand by her. It's a pain being a university student already but its worse when you have to study through the problems of pregnancy. Also consider the typical Nigerian parents who will give you hell naturally for being pregnant without marriage. I can imagine how difficult it was for the poor girl. Somehow, things changed: Lanre travelled abroad, reconnects with an old secondary school mate and starts to date her without any promises. Let me mention that according to my friend, she's not the first lady Lanre is dating since his baby mama. He's dated many more. I saw the anger in my friend's eyes at what she thinks is me 'not being in support of her.' So I let the issue go, but I want to use this medium to ask her the questions I should have that day.
Can you pray yourself to be in that situation? Being a single 32 year old mother whose baby daddy is confused about becoming a family because another lady is involved?. Have you even thought about the repercussion of being with that kind of man? Whether you like it or not he has a family with the baby mama, even if it ain't legal. He will always take care of her, visit her, call her and sometimes go on vacation with her because he has a child with her. A child he must love.
Then again, it's not really my business is it?.

Monday, 29 February 2016

Truly Love You

Love sometimes play games with our intelligence; especially our first love.

We spend so much time and effort for those people we quickly notice their beauty.

We really want to love them, but end up not actually happening.

Yet, the less obvious ones are right beneath our noses, silent and true.

You listen to them and keep all they say in your heart.

You treat them badly in an attempt to get a little closer.

You wish they would just like you back even if it's a little.

You happily keep all the promises made to them, and fulfil them no matter how long it takes.

You take a beating for them if you have to, and defend them when you can.

What better sacrifice is there than to give your one true love away to someone else who deserves them more? To someone who can take very good care of them like they deserve?

And all you can do is hope they are happy with that one.

You always light a candle in your heart for them, even when you know they like and are with someone else.

You always think of what to do to make them smile.

You pray they know how you feel, but you never have the courage to tell.

You wonder how their future will be like, and if you can be in it.

If you don't see them for a long time, they never lose their place in your heart!

... That's what a true love means.

Con Amor

Tuesday, 23 February 2016

Main girl or Syd chick?..

The thing about relationships is that no one can be sure of anything. Everyone just goes into it with a lot of hope and optimism hoping to get the best results out, but what happens at the end of the day isn't up to anybody. My mother always say- “a kii gbon to eni ti oun tan ni”; meaning “ you can never be as wise as someone who goes out of his way to deceive you”. When a guy is determined to lie to you, use you and dump the remains at the curb, then he certainly will because you will believe him. Oh, you will have that feeling that something’s off, or that he’s too good to be true, or that  he isn't right for you. But you will still go ahead and fall stupidly for him. That’s just a problem we ladies have: we never listen to our guts or common sense when it comes to a seemingly “perfect gentleman”. Even I have fallen victim of such circumstance.

Every girl loves to assume that she is the one; the main chick. We just love to dissuade ourselves and like to pretend we know for sure. Every other girl our man hooks up with is the side chick; the other woman. Rather than just wake up and find a way out of the relationship that most likely won’t lead anywhere, we just pray and keep hoping that he forsakes every other girl for us. Sometimes though, we are right and those sort of miracles happen. Let’s be frank with each other though, it only seems to happen once in fifty relationships. Most men I know will leave both the main and side chicks, and marry someone entirely different at the end of it all.

A friend told me that when a relationship has been going on strong for about 3 months and you do not know his home, you have every right to find out why. I say; I only need to know from the beginning of the relationship what my status with him is- it’s my right. If you are comfortable with being the other lady, then feel free. Otherwise, just move on.

We all know that men have conflicting signs when in relationships and an insecure man sometimes look like a cheating man. They can both exhibit the same signals so one can never be too sure which it is. You should also know signs to watch out for when you are definitely the other woman. When your man ends your calls abruptly just because another call came in, that’s something to be curious about. A wonderful man will always take a minute to ask you to excuse him before taking the call and you’ll get an explanation from him. A cheating man never respects his side chick, but accords his main girl with a high level of fear and respect. If a man is not afraid of losing you and doesn't see the need to hide his indiscretions from you, then you just may not be so important to him.

When you’re the main girl, you don’t need to guess or worry, he’ll do everything he can to make you know how special you are.

And if you happen to find out you were the side chick all along, then please do the women race a favour and just move on. I'm the type that believes there is a special someone for every woman, and if you haven't gotten your happy ending, then it means your someone is yet to arrive. A cheating man is never worth it no matter which angle you look from!

Keep trying...
Con amor.

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Proclamation of Love to my Heart!

Dear Lukman,

A man once told me, “Iheoma if you’re going to love, then do it right. Find a love that never dies, that never looses its electricity. The kind of love that’s worth fighting for”.

These past years, I have not gotten much inspiration to love, but I kept those words at the back of my mind. I always told myself that everything in life was overrated, especially love. Eventually I stopped thinking about it, and I didn’t care much for emotion. I assumed my life was going on point, nothing was missing. I just wanted to be someone important and make my father proud.

And then along came a beautiful young stranger. His gaze was all it took to draw me in. When I first met him, something told me he was different and I just knew deep in my heart that we were meant to cross paths. I suddenly began to yearn for more. He started to grow on me. He made me laugh and took me on a beautiful ride. Just when things got serious and true, I put up a wall. I told myself I was doing it for my own good, that I was merely protecting my own heart. Yes I admit it, his love had begun to fill me up. I put up strong defences just to douse the flame. I was confused, here’s a guy that loves me to the moon and back. He makes my tummy bubble with excitement when calling and makes butterflies dance in me when I hear him laugh. Yet, I found an excuse to stay away.

Love so strong, so big it never fades: that’s the love you promised me. Love is a difficult emotion to handle and I certainly didn’t handle mine well. I pushed you away in the bid to save myself, I hurt myself just because I fear heartbreak.

Lukman, I’m sorry for being stupid.
If it’s okay to start again, I would like to start afresh!.
Since we didn’t get it right the first time, we can do it again. We have a whole lifetime ahead of us to practice with.
I have realised that it’s okay for you to want everything I have to offer.
It’s alright to want to catch up on what we’ve missed in the past.
It’s okay for me to take a chance and give my all
It’s okay to open my heart to new possibilities
It’s okay to fall,
And say I love you.
I’ll throw all my cards on the table this time, not because I know how it will end...
Its just that I am having so much fun, and really there’s no place I would rather be.