Wednesday, 28 December 2011

A Fallen HERO

I've never seen my father cry before (@least not for anyone other than me!) So, it was shocking to walk in on him and find him weeping silently. I became worried cos i'm in good health. What then, is the reason behind the tears?
He told me a powerful man had died!
The king of his hometown, with whom he spent a whole day on monday; whom he still spoke with last night has died.

I was shocked! I had met the man several times and he was awfully nice. He was a humble king. A king that didn't mind coming and staying over with you when he's in town. A king that could make a joke with a young girl, and laugh with her over it. A king that would accept a hug instead of the royal fuss. And he was young, that's the saddest part of it all.
Now I know why my father shed tears for the fallen hero. He is the reason my father declined politics in lagos. Father respected him so much, he wanted to make him proud. I remember the day he came to lagos to talk to Daddy about the politics in his state and how his town was being left out. I remember Dad assuring him he would try his best to rectify the situation. And I know (beyond all doubt) just how MUCH he has been trying.

Why do the good and honourable ones die first?
Why did he have to die now, when it was just a matter of time?
Why do good men die at all?

ADIEU OBA SHITTU GBANGBADE, Olowu of Owu. I know you're in a better place now!

Saturday, 24 December 2011

my other life...#2

Life is unfair!
It shouldn't have been me! Why was it me? I've been a good girl so far! What'd I do?
Those questions were the only things on my mind and I kept drowning further in self pity as they came. Who wouldn't?!

About a year ago, I woke up to voices of the rescue team. I noticed that I hurt all over and the 1st thing that registered was blood. Too much blood. I turned to the left, and was taken aback by the sight. My driver sat there, neck twisted and lifeless. But what disturbed me most (even till date), was the look of horror on his face! I was removed from the car, and I tried to take in the damage. My God! Cars, wrecked; blood, lots; bodies everywhere; faces, cries.. I saw it all!
After 4months, I was finally wheeled outta the hospital. I had lost about 50pounds, my self pride, and my businesses had suffered!
My legs had taken most of the hit in d accident, and so the doctors had to do a reconstruction for the left leg. And I wasn't to leave d wheelchair anytime soon. They said I was lucky to be alive!
Another 3months passed and I knew I was screwed. I still hadn't left the wheelchair, and I could barely do anything on my own. My perfect fiancé came to visit just once, a couple of phone calls and he vanished! Thank God for my family, they've kept me sane so far... The reunion took place without me, and my collection of designers are as good as useless. Friends didn't even pretend like they cared. Everyone that loved me had left me, with the exception of my family. I brought this upon myself. I knew the type of people I walked with, just never gave it much thought!
A few weeks later, after burying myself in more self pity, I was taken to the hospital. The doctors said I should be ready to stand now, and frankly, I wasn't real thrilled about it. I just saw the latest Versace shoes displayed on the way, and I wept inside. I would have those shoes now, if it weren't for all this! God didn't care, if he did, he wouldn't bare to watch me suffer so much! He wouldn't just sit there, and leave me in misery. After the physiotherapy session, the doctors said I stand a very good chance to walk again soon.
I was wheeled outta the hospital, and the car was being re parked. Suddenly, there were screams and everyone looking above. I raised my head, and I saw a brick coming from the heavens directly at me!

...I woke up, covered in sweat and scared to death!.. I had been dreaming but it took awhile for me to register that. When it did, I knelt and prayed to God. I had been so caught up complaining about the things I lost, I hadn't looked at the beauty of what I did have! He spared my life, and gave me another option. It finally dawned on me, dat I'm perfect d way I am.

Con amor

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

my other life

It was a beautiful morning. The best I had seen in recent times. The sky shone so brightly, it was hard to believe it real. And real it was, with me waltzing down the stairs like the very queen of England. I sat at the breakfast table humming "Run this town".... Even the dog could perceive I was in a good mood. And why won't I be? When my life is so perfect and everything is looking good in my favour. I live in a magnificent home with a wonderful family, I have the best fiancé in the world, in perfect health, a gorgeous body, every lady's dream wardrobe, and I lavish in different currency daily. What more could anyone ask for?!

After a few hours, it wasn't a so-perfect day anymore. In fact, it was getting uglier with each passing minute. I had already complained about the cook, the food, laundry, car, driver, gate man, and even tons of useless drivers in traffic! I was getting frustrated and it wasn't so cool! I was on my way to a reunion party, and I had to look my best. I had to show the old mates that we no longer are equals. On that thought, I told the driver to pull over at the next boutique. I had to freshen up my make up, and change wears. I was dressed in calvin klein top to bottom, and I just got an idea. I chose a new pair of baby phat pants, Donna Karan blouse, Emporio Armani shoes, Versace handbag and Gucci sun shades. I looked at my new costume, and it was fantastic. I walked out of the boutique feeling quite refreshed, beautiful, and definitely sexier!

Back in the car, the day was brightening up again! The sun glowed, and it looked astonishing from the new shades. It wasn't like the other was bad, it's just that it wasn't as expensive as this. This is exactly what I needed: different brands of expensive wears to give dem a view of my worth. Oh my, they will be shocked when they hear of my achievements. I own 3 companies in my name (2 of them, widely known), and manage 2 other companies on behalf of the family. In short I was born with a golden spoon, but I decided to add diamonds by the side!. That means I'm usually busy but my baby understands. That's part of what makes him perfect, he loves me and is always understanding.
That was the last thing on my mind before a heavy load truck cut across the road and straight into us.................

Con amor

Friday, 16 December 2011


There was a time when i found it difficult to say the word, and i just acted like 'what could i ever be sorry for?'. The ones who knew my genesis, are probably used to that attitude but I'm not so proud of it!
So, this blog is dedicated to anyone in my past, present, (and possibly future) or that i found it difficult to say sorry to. Here are enough "sorries" to last you a lifetime! *lol*

So, I'm sorry for all the wrongs I've done;
I'm sorry for the rights i did in wrong ways;
I'm sorry for being annoying;
I'm sorry for being mean;
I'm sorry for being black;
I'm sorry for being impatient;
I'm sorry for my strictness;
I'm sorry i was too hard on you;
I'm sorry for being romantic;
I'm sorry i expect too much from you;
I'm sorry for the tears have cried;
I'm sorry for the laughter;
I'm sorry for the jests;
I'm sorry for the gossips;
I'm sorry for the way i talk;
And more sorry for the way i walk;
I'm sorry for the way i look;
I'm sorry for how i chew;
I'm sorry for being me;
I'm sorry i find it difficult to change;
I'm sorry I'm so small in size;
I'm sorry I'm beautiful;
I'm sorry for the way i dress;
I'm sorry for not choosing nudity;
I'm sorry i get bored easy;
I'm sorry i find it difficult to love;
I'm sorry for the hearts I've broken;
And much more for the ones i didn't;
I'm sorry that you love me;
I'm sorry that you don't;
I'm sorry i hate pity;
I'm sorry i don't cry;
I'm sorry i can be very emotional;
And I'm sorry for when I'm not;
I'm sorry i was born this way;
I'm sorry that I'm sick often;
I'm sorry i stress you so much;
I'm sorry i help you at times;
I'm sorry I'm not what you bargained for;
I'm sorry i didn't turn out excellent;
I'm sorry I'm not a bookworm;
I'm sorry i have other interests;
I'm sorry I'm very sociable;
I'm sorry i don't party much;
I'm sorry for not laughing to your jokes;
I'm sorry for laughing too much to them;
I'm sorry for the fake smiles;
I'm sorry for chasing you away;
I'm sorry for being a chicken at times;
And I'm sorry i can be very daring;
I'm sorry i never hurry myself;
I'm sorry i take things too slow;
I'm sorry I'm so careless;
I'm sorry i never throw old things out;
I'm sorry I'm so thoughtful;
I'm sorry i over think things;
I'm sorry i sleep much;
And I'm sorry i get carried away;
I'm sorry I'm so local;
I'm sorry I'm not so local;
I'm sorry i eat your type of food;
And I'm sorry i don't eat your type of food;
I'm sorry for being so honest;
I'm sorry for the lies;
I'm sorry i don't do what you want;
I'm sorry I'm so stubborn;
I'm sorry for being so blunt;
I'm sorry for not speaking out often;
I'm sorry for forgetting your birthday;
I'm sorry for ignoring you on a normal day;
I'm sorry i get angry easy;
And I'm sorry I'm so difficult to understand;
I'm sorry i don't do things early enough;
I'm sorry I'm not perfect.....

Con amor

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Real Differences...

I've seen and heard about different definitions of love, and I have to say they're all crap!
Don't get me wrong! It's not like I know the exact definition of love..
All I know is that any love that isn't supportive, encouraging, trusting, faithful, and can not stand tests such as religion and tribalism, is no love!

Like seriously! In this age and century?
Religion differences? Where does compromise come into play? And sacrifice? Don't forget understanding! Where does all this come in? Especially when choosing a life partner!!
Should love really be dependent on religion and tribe of both parties?
Should anyone have to just be with any other person simply because they practice the same religion? Or are from the same tribe? Should they be together without considering their personalities and compatibility?
For example; Being a muslim is a big deal (especially for pretty single lady), and if you're lucky enough to fall in love with a wonderful practising muslim, then that's perfect. But not everyone is that lucky. It happens like that as well in Christianity, not just islam.
So, what happens when you ain't one of the lucky ones? What happens when life dishes you a slice of it's miseries, and you end up falling in love with someone of different religion or tribe?
Must you live your life in misery and unhappiness? Just to fulfil an obligation? Whose obligation is it anyway? Is it not the Lord's?
Yes, and is it not the same Lord we serve? Fine, two(2) different prophets, two(2) different books. But ONE(1) God; only two different ways of reaching out to him.

You should understand that this issue isn't only about religion. It goes for tribes as well. We're one, created by 1 God, the ALMIGHTY! Then, why are we separating ourselves, when we should be uniting?
Is it not a sin to treat other beings created by HIM, like they're lesser creatures? If dat's not a sin, then I think it should be!
It's bad enough that we are violent towards each other, and we don't care about the next man.. But separating ourselves from others as if we're any better? I don't think it's right.

If we can just get past the issue of religion, and tribalism and get on ahead with more pressing issues, then we'll have more love in our hearts..
Maybe the good Lord, will even start forgiving us some of our sins!

Con amor

Sunday, 30 October 2011

Dear Future Hubby.....#dreamland#

I know I've always believed I would settle 4 less when it comes to a future hubby, but I also have some secret fantasies buried deep within. So, here's my letter to you;

Dear Future Hubby,
How are you? I hope you're good. How is my future mother in law, hope she's real nice. And my future father in law? I hope he's charming. How are my future brothers & sisters in law (if I have any)? I sincerely hope they're sweet.
So, to the main point:
I just want to tell you the qualities I want in my man before we meet, so you can work on yourself.
I don't need to say you have to be good looking, cause you must be before I give you attention! You must have a good dress sense, must be well kempt, must be smart. You must be caring, trusting, understanding and honest.
Oh!, and please you need to have a well paying job. You don't have to be rich, but I love comfort!
I like tall, but I can manage average with a clean complexion.
You shouldn't be too proud nor should you be too humble, just stand out.
You should be able to read me, understand me, and live with me.
You have to be prepared to live with just me as I am to live with you. No extended family meddling with our lives. Sure they can come visiting, but I want to be able to make decisions with my husband without consulting our families. Well, that's by the way. You have to be kind at heart and faithful. Yes! I've made some mistakes in recent times, but you must not use them against me. You also have to be willing to help me in the house. You have to be willing to accept me for who I am. I love my man giving orders and I want you to have a firm grip on me (I can be very naughty), but that don't mean you should maltreat me or take me for granted. You also need to know how to respect a woman; you have to respect me, my opinions, my body, and my religion. You have to love me thoroughly. Darling, I just want to feel loved by you, and know you don't just want me sexually. You should also want me for me! I also don't want to be regarded as your baby mama. We'll have our babies, but they should be considered as the product of our love.
My future hubby, you have to be good in bed o (one of us has to be) to avoid quarrels. You also need to know how to cook (for when I'm a lil down, or when I'm heavy with our child), or @least be willing to learn a lil. I won't stop you from going out, or coming back late as long as you come back home to my food and my body. Yes baby! No eating outside our home for you...
So, I've told you the physical and emotional attributes I want in my man. Now it's my turn 2 tell you my attributes. I'm dark complexioned, of average height, slender, and with plenty flaws. I'm also very loving, caring, attentive, faithful, and honest. I hope I meet your criteria of a wife, and lover.

Con amor,


Saturday, 15 October 2011

Ol' laughs

Sitting on the sofa, listening to music
I opened my poem journal, and read through them one by one.
I smile as I swift through the pages. There is so much I have missed without even realising it. I've had so much fun in the past! (At least compared to the present)...
One of the poems remind me of when I first met my best friend, Adewunmi. I think we were just meant to be, because we were so opposite in every way. Yet we became best friends! I remember the time we used to be on d neck of the "boys" in class. I remember Beolar, n Akinz (I think we pestered them more than any other boy in class). I also remember Emmanuel Show-ur-face!!(as my girl would call him), and Nnamdi (map of africa or Fina). Imagine how they've all grown!!!!
I remember how the sun stopped shining when my best friend changed school. How I still strived to continue her legacy of pestering some of the boys.

I remember leaving secondary school, and sitting for my senior school leaving certificate examinations in another school. Meeting new faces, new friends, new crushes (lol), new beefs!

I remember my 1st week at Igbinedion. I thought it would be awful, but I ended up meeting a new family; my family- my uncles (that have ever been so amazing) and Taiwo (whom I've come to adopt as my sister)! I recall the friends I made, all of them wonderful in their own way. I remember my 1st relationship... Now, that's a part I will never forget.

I remember the laughs, the cries, the happiness, sorrow I shared with my friends. Olaoluwapo is definitely one I dint expect to be such a good friend to me, but he became so much more (hugs). Ifeoluwatayo was awesome from the 1st moment we met, and he still is. Titilayo, a treasured friend that went astray, but will never be forgotten. Yetunde (or Mafe as popularly called) has been a true friend even till this day; and Exta, a friendship that started in the most unusual circumstances, but still getting strong!

I remember leaving Igbinedion, and some of my friends behind. I remember the happiness and sadness I felt. I remember the tears of joy, and the tears of sorrow I cried in the arms of my friend. I remember the lecturers that made the experience bearable, and those that wanted to make it tough. I remember having the best supervisor ever; a supervisor like a big brother...

The memories rush back into my head, and I remember it all... Some, the best experiences. Others, the worst. In all, I realise I've had the best laughs!
Only i never knew looking back @ the laughs would make me cry....

Con amor

Tuesday, 27 September 2011


Why do we waste our time with fear, when it is that same fear that will lead to the unfortunate event we fear?
Do'you get it??

Fear is good, in a religious manner. You have to fear our Lord, be fearful. And true, some say it's alright to be afraid but in my opinion, It's not alright being in fear!
I recently had a conversation with a girlfriend of mine, and I was prompted to ask her worst fear. Guess what she said;- Being lonely! Like seriously? How can that be her worst fear? When technology has made it easier to avoid loneliness. I had to ask what planet she was in...
Really, I get her and I understand why she's scared of being lonely. A lovely young lady, yet to be married and without a serious relationship? Hell, I don't blame her for thinking what the future holds for her... The chic imagines heartbreak every time a guy comes near. Who would blame her? She thinks she's built strong walls around her heart but in contrary, she's been leaving her heart open to heartbreaks.
Someone told me recently that; the more you're scared of something, the more you think of it. And the more you think of it, the higher the probability of it actually happening!!!!

Get it now??!!
Some people just have the fear of loving when they should be busy loving.. And there are still some that have the fear of dying. Life is sweet and short, it shouldn't be spent in fear. I've had my share of fears, and it didn't help me one bit. Because in the end, I keep doing what I fear unconsciously!
I used to hold on to a fear of having a love less marriage in future (and maybe a tiny lil part of me still does), of being a useless wife, of being unworthy... See, from a very young age I had told myself over and over again that I was useless and I've never believed myself worthy of anything I got. Hence, the origin of my fear. I used to pray then that when I grew up, things should have changed and women wouldn't have to get married (Boy, was I just wishing 4 stars!).
So every time a guy approached me, I already imagine the worst he could be before I even consider him.
And then along came a guy that changed my view. He said I'm just hurting myself without realising it. And that because I already think it, I would make it happen. For example, me thinking my hubby and I would fight everyday will only make us do so. And even if d hubby didn't want 2 fight, I would instigate it with something!
I actually reasoned with this guy's logic. It made so much sense!
Some of us actually think that seeing bad in everything prepares one for the worst. I say; Maybe it does, maybe it's easier to cope that way, but what if the worst never comes? Have we ever thought about it in that way?
What if you get the perfect partner, and you're thinking he's too good to be true or he might be hiding something... And you instigate a big fight causing you to loose him? Think about it....
What if the worst just never comes? And you're already prepared for the battle that will never arrive!
What will you do? You eventually create your own battle!!!

We on the same page now?

Don't end up instigating your own heart break because of a base less fear!
It's difficult, YES! but we all just try...
Everyone faces one challenge or the other, and we all have our cross to bear! Only difference is, some of us are willing to take a risk!
Take a risk on your heart.. Put it out there! If he doesn't respect you for taking a risk on him, there are plenty more you can take a risk on..
I took a risk on my heart once, it didn't end well. But that didn't stop me from rising and willing to try again!
That's what taking a risk is! I can only hope it will end well... And if it doesn't? I'll just get up and try my luck again elsewhere!
That's a strength every woman must possess!!!
I am willing to let go of my fear! I'm taking a chance with destiny, and requesting for what I want! It can never be as bad as you imagine! At least, you get to have fun while taking the risk!!
And I believe that heart break is for weak ladies: If you're strong, you won't be heart broken! Neither will you dwell on it... You'll take it as a lesson well learned, and be a better woman. That is what a woman's strength is!

Con amor

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Bye Bye

I was about posting a different blog, when i heard the terrible news..

I heard you were gone, forever and it didn't even dawn on me what they meant.
I'm still beyond shocked, and i don't know why i'm writing this now nor do i know what i'm supposed to write. I just feel so so awful right now.
I had only met the woman once, a few weeks ago but she was awesome. I should have met her sooner, but i kept postponing it. I finally met her like 3weeks ago, and now she's gone. I had just started knowing her, looking forward to seeing her again.....
That sunday, 3 weeks ago, i said goodbye but i promised to go see her again. Who would have thought it's her vacant body i would be seeing next?
Who would have dreamt that such a wonderful mother would leave left us so soon?
She left without seeing my sister get married to her son, without carrying my sister's kids in her arms, without being called "grandma" by my sister's children!... She left without actually meeting her inlaws!
She left without seeing all her children become great men & women, without becoming all she prayed day and night for them to become!...

Maybe if i could rewind time, i would have gone to see her sooner;
I would have become close to her;
I would have stayed longer on that sunday;
I would have said my byes;
I would have let her know how much my sister speaks of her;
I would have told her how much my sister loves her;
I would have let her know that my sister would cry if she got hurt;
I would have told her funny stories about my sister when she was growing;
I would have made her laugh, even if for a few minutes;
I would have gone back again to see her;
I would have assured her everything would be fine;
I would have...........

It's all just would haves.... I really can't turn back time.
I can only comfort my grieving sister and brother in law;
I can only hold the dear woman's memories (no matter how little i know) close to my heart, and let her live on...
I can only pray the good Lord forgives all her sins, and grant her entry into Paradise!

Con amor

Monday, 29 August 2011


Seriously, if being a girlfriend means being treated like you're not worth respecting...Then what the fuck are you still doing in that relationship wen you can be treated like a queen in another man's arms?

Lets take a look around us. We all have those kinda friends; who have been jilted over and over and over again by the same man! Not like they were stupid, they were simply "in love"... And the rest of us on the sideline, just waiting to console them again swear every time that we would never make such mistakes. But, we have boyfriends that keep hurting us and we keep giving them second chances.
Like, what's the difference???
I've seen and heard about a lot of women taking so much crap in a relationship, and i still wonder why. Do they think there ain't guys who could love them out there? Or is it just the love. I know the African mentality, has been a precursor for how most ladies are treated by men in this part of the world. The tradition, and religious beliefs are so strict that you think twice before going against a man. Tradition, i can comprehend. It's their culture. But religion? I sometimes wonder where some men of God get their sermon from, or maybe they just decide to translate the holy books in whichever way they desire. When they say in the beginning God created man, and woman as his companion. I don't have a lot of degrees, but i think that clarifies the issue of equal right on it's own.
Here's the thing; I can still accept a "not so equal right in a marriage", and wen i say that i mean a 60-40 right. What i can not stand is not having an equal right in a relationship! I've heard stories about ladies being beaten by their 'boyfriends', and then f***ed after it all. You can imagine what these ladies will go through if they got married to animals like that. Most of them will live in fear of being beaten for the rest of their lives. But why stick with such bullshit in the first place, is what i can't comprehend. You two have been dating and he's showing signs that you can't live with, don't bother sticking around in hopes that he'll change.... LEAVE immediately!
If you don't have a voice at the start of a relationship, then you'll be a faint voice in that relationship forever. I know that some ladies believe that if you leave the devil you are with, how are you sure the angel you'll meet won't be worse than that. And in honesty, you can never be sure but i say try again. "Ohh, there's a scarcity of the good men...."blah blah blah bullshit. From the few, you shall find your own! It's your choice that's making it scarce. Look beyond religion, colour, tribe and you'll realize you have a better chance at happiness.
We also have some ladies that can't even say how they want to be treated in bed! If the man mishandles them, they just take the pain like that. In fact, this happens to most women. Scared to voice your desires, so you won't be labeled a 'slut'. They just go through the horrible experience to make babies, and as soon as babies come they stop. Thereby, driving their husbands outside to the so called 'sluts'. A lot of women have lost their sexual drives in this manner and i think it unfair that a partner can not encourage his woman to express herself. Being a man is not dominating a woman in every way; it's being responsible and at the same time, passionate! The fact that your wife is not allowed to say if she's horny or not, does not mean you're powerful. It means you lack what it takes to be a husband!!

I do not encourage disrespect, but i definitely encourage mutual respect. You need to respect me enough to get my opinion, not just make decisions for me like I'm a baby or invalid. Mutual respect is calling your partner that you cannot make an appointment, not assuming he or she is supposed to know. When there's mutual respect, there's understanding; and where there's understanding, there's trust. Where there's all these, tell me how there won't be love? We need to see marriage beyond adding to the populace, and fulfilling family responsibility. We need to see marriage beyond a way to get a new surname!!!

Con amor

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

The Lady In My Dreams....

The other day at the station, i saw her. I saw her again, the lady that has been hunting my dreams. She was standing so close to the glass, you would think she was a reflection. She looked right back at me; i could feel her eyes on me. It was almost midnight, and i was tired but i wanted to see her clearly: to ask her why she hunted my dreams so! I looked straight at her now; she was using a big sunglasses that covered most of her face, her nose was quite small, and her lips... Oh my, her lips were the finest set i had ever come across. They were coloured in a dark shade of red that made them look too perfect. I had to compliment her on the right choice of lipstick, it suits her! I moved closer to d object of my dreams, through the crowd; she was watching me, i knew it. I finally made out her outfit: She looked sexy in d blue sundress she had on, and a gorgeous set of 6 inches; i will comment on that too when i get to her. She shouldn't be wearing such dress at night, it was too cool and those heels are risky. I looked her over once more, she looked nothing like i had imagined her body to be.... She looked perfect, and her figure could make any man (or woman) sin. I was almost with her when she suddenly turned her back to me, and moved away as if leaving the station. I was surprised: was she not here to board the train? why is she leaving? has she come for me again? Did she want me to follow?. A million tins where running through my mind as i watched her leave. I had to decide fast! I heard the train i ad been waiting for arrive, and i saw her moving closer to the exit. She looked back at me, and smiled. That smile seemed to awaken something inside me, and i made my choice then. I ran after her, to catch up with her. I did not want to loose her again...

Again, reminded me of the first time i saw her. It was at the mall, and i had gone there to shop a few weeks ago. She was way ahead of me when i caught sight of her, but i knew instantly. I had the feeling that she was there for me, i could feel it inside. It was like she was communicating with my insides somehow. It was almost like she had a control over me that day, i could not control myself. I just hurried my steps to catch up with her. All i wanted to do was introduce myself. I just wanted to see and not feel her; i wanted to say hi! She walked briskly ahead, oblivious that someone was following her. I tried to keep up with her but there were too many people at the mall,  I could only make out her head, and it gave me a good direction. I bumped into a lady that was carrying alotta of bags and that's how i lost her.

We had exited the station now, so i tried to walk normally. I would follow her till she stopped somewhere, i said to myself. I would then have a long chat with her before going home to bed! We moved on a bit through some streets i had never been. She headed towards a group at the far end, and i became scared. What if they hurt me? What if they kill me?. I looked up and realized she was there: she laughed so loudly, i could swear i had heard the laughter before. She collected drinks from them, and cigars... I decided it wasn't worth it, and was just about to turn back when she looked at me again and smiled. This time, she winked at me. I could not go back after that! I had to get to her and tell her all the things i had intended; tell her how bad drinking and smoking is on the health. She had packed her drinks in a pack and as she carried it up, she crossed the street and moved on. I discarded all thoughts of leaving: it wasnt an option anymore! We had walked a few more blocks when she dumped her package in a trash can, without even looking back to acknowledge it. When i peeped in the can, i saw all the alcohol and cigarettes she had collected from the gang back there. I became curious: why had she thrown them away? where they not her friends? why did she collect them in the first place? why did she stop to laugh with them? where is she headed to?. But these questions just made me want to talk to her more!

It felt like an eternity that we had been walking, and i'm totally sure i'm lost. I dismissed that thought; i would find my way eventually but i had to speak with this lady first. She must get tired of walking sometime! Next, she took us to a playground in a very peaceful neighborhood. There was nobody around, and she just sat on the swing. I was overjoyed, thinking this was my chance to speak with her. I moved closer to her, very cautiously as to not scare her away and i heard it. I heard the sound of her tears. She was crying... Her head was bended over her hands, and she was wailing. In darkness, with no one to comfort her! I was taken aback; wat could have aroused her tears? why would she come to a private place to cry? what did the playground mean to her? I sat quietly beside her, wanting to comfort her; But i couldnt bring myself to. I decided that i would sit there until she had stopped crying, and i would look into her eyes and talk with her!

Her eyes! I never noticed them, i had no idea if it was blue or green. Infact, i was just taking note of her hair: she had beautiful black hair. I imagined touching it, and letting it glide through my fingers. I knew it would feel silky. I rested my back on the swing and i realised i was exhausted. I should have gone home when i had the chance, i thought. But as i heard her cry again, i knew i was lucky to be here with her in such a private ritual. But God! I was dying to know what reason she had for crying. She seem so perfect, with a flawless smile, that i could not imagine an angel such as her would cry.
That was my last thought as fatigue took over my senses and i drifted off.......

I could have sworn i heard my name...
I jerked awake, and almost lost balance on the swing. I looked all around me, the sun was just rising. I looked at her, standing there looking up at the sun and i felt happy. She had not left me alone there, she had stayed while i slept. Just then, she looked at me as if accusing me of something. I finally had the chance to see her, really look at her! I didnt take a pause to think of what i could have done to hurt such beauty. I just wanted to see her eyes, i wanted to look into those eyes finally, to see what they see, to look in their depth, i wanted to know what colour they were, i wanted to tell her the things i said i would. I moved closer, as if to touch her and stared back at her. Her eyes, the eyes i wanted to so much look at had no color... They were bleak. I was taken aback; how couldn't i have noticed this since last night? even her glorious smile could not hide that... She looked like she had so much to say, so much to tell me. But she just smiled, urging me to look deeper, to search deeper. I looked, and almost drowned myself in her gaze. I was about to tell her it was of no use, when something caught my attention; something so familiar. I knew those eyes, i continued searching her eyes like they had the answers. And then, i stopped seaching. I stood there shocked, unable to utter a word. I had figured it out, i didn't even need to see her eyes. The eyes i spent an entire night chasing after, that i was looking into; the bleak eyes,....
.....were mine

Con amor

Wednesday, 17 August 2011


If i'm ever gonna write a memoir, I'll make sure it ends wit- I've had no regrets...
At least, i tell myself that a lot. Maybe one day I'll believe it but frankly, I'd be deceiving myself. Seriously, we'd all be deceiving ourselves if we claim to have had no regrets at all. In all aspects of our daily lives, we all make mistakes. Some, daily while others, yearly; but we still do.
Looking back now at some choices/mistakes i might have regretted making, i realise that they may be choices i would gladly make all over again given a second chance;
Like when i attempted my first suicide. I was quite young, but I had had more pains than kids my age, and less fun (not to talk of friends). I can only associate my action then, with depression. A kid, depressed? Well, u can give me your explanation, if you've got any! Anyway, i would probably make the mistake again if i had to replay it. This day helped me a lot, at least in the emotional department. I was finally able to detach myself from my body each time i fell ill, thereby feeling less or no pain. It was almost like i stood outside my own body watching, until it was over. In short, that day taught me to be strong and i learnt well.
Another example is my first relationship. I never loved the guy, i never even wanted to date him. Twas just that he pestered me so much that i gave in at some point (i.e. pity). The relationship didn't turn out bad, in fact it was amazing. Only problem was; we were more of friends than lovers. We should never have dated, we should have just remained friends. We had a very promising friendship between us, and i already made him my best male friend. As soon as i decided to call off d relationship, it was all over. I lost a great friend with a pretend relationship. Think about it: If i had to rewind time, i would have made this same mistake. If i had chosen to turn him out and refuse him, he would have probably left (especially after 4 long months of pestering) and i wouldn't have had the chance to be his friend.
The third example I'll point out, is the first time i had sex. Now, that's a major choice, which led to a terrible mistake and thus, a huge regret. The timing was wrong, so was the where. My attitude towards it was wrong, in short everything about it was totally wrong (so not how i dreamt). The only good thing that i could draw from that was the fact that i loved the guy ( at least, i thought i did). Turned out it was just all my imagination playing a fast one on me. Well, if i had to redo that.. I think i might have done it all over again at that wrong time, and wrong place, and with that wrong attitude.

In summary, some of the things we consider mistakes might not actually be if we look at them properly. Imagine that event and if you had to choose again. What will influence your decision? Maybe you were meant to make that mistake in the first place. Maybe that's what was meant to define you, to make you who you are today...

Con amor

Tuesday, 16 August 2011


If you dunno how lucky we are in this generation, you've gotta take a step back and have a closer look at your life. We are so lucky, we don't have to think so hard before doing things daily. Some of us don't even make regular use of our brains. What with all these technologies? Who's gonna bother?. I admit I'm one of the new technology fans and my favorites are the smart phones. Oh boy, and smart they are... Do you have any idea what a phone can do for you now? Like basically, it makes your work easier. And the bad (or good, depending on how you see it) thing is that you totally get dependent on them without even realizing it.
Recently, i lost my blackberry while at a cinema with my sis and uncle and after a few hours, it still hadn't dawned on me that my bb was gone. Why should it? i was having so much fun, laughing as hard as i could, gisting, eating, and checking out girls (that was for my uncle please, am totally straight). I didn't get the feeling of being *blackberryless* until the next morning when i reached out towards my pillow and it wasn't there. Oops, that was like waking up to a bucket of iced water poured on me. Only took me a couple of minutes to get my thoughts together, and i made it through that day without hanging. But damn! after that day, i felt like hanging... It dawned well well, and just kept on hurting with each passing moment. Seeing my Dad's bb, as good as useless in his hand; then my sis always pinging; i felt like the world was unfair! It was during this time that someone would tell me about this awesome site, or some link i gotta check out, or some app i had to download on my phone: soon as i reach for my bb, i remember all over again. As in, it felt like everyone was mocking me. Worst part was my lovely music collection that i lost. I had intended to back up my files when we got home that very day.
In summary, i spent more than two whole weeks being "blackberryless" and it wasn't funny. Those 2 weeks were not the most terrible days, but they were definitely stressing. It just felt like a part of me got misplaced with the damn phone! I just shut down, figuratively. But seriously, think about it! How the hell, have we coped before the arrival of smart phones, and laptops, and ipads? How have we been able to do anything? Cause i know exactly how i felt without my phone o... almost useless. Thing is; it wasn't like i missed pinging, NO! But i just wanted to have it back, to hold it again, to put down my thoughts, to send emails, receive alerts and facebook notifications & twitter mentions, n calender reminders. I just missed having my portable, carry on internet surfer..

Con amor

Saturday, 16 July 2011


Sometime ago, I came across this little piece in my journal and after reading through it, concluded that this is probably the genesis of my single state. Hell! what can I say? was having boy issues (don't we all?), and I just burst out! It's actually a very special piece as I expressed myself while the anger was burning at its peak!
So, what better blog is there to share with ya'll for the 1st time than my own thoughts, and how I expressed it?

All my life, I've always cared about other people (one way or the other), how they fare, their health, their families, their worries, their relationships, and heartbreaks! Funny thing is; I never actually got that degree of care in return. Yea, most pitied me (cause of my poor health) *eyes rolling* and some claimed to care but not nearly as much as I gave! Well, @least until last year when some guy told me I ought to be selfish cause its my LIFE!!!

So now that I'm being selfish, I'm just tired of putting others 1st... I'm tired of caring too much, and getting little back. And I'm tired of taking care of a guy like a baby; if I were ready to be a mother, I would have gotten pregnant already. It ain't that hard to do!
I also want to be treated like a baby, I don't have to be the grown up every time. I wanna be the baby for once, and have a MAN (as in, real man o) take care of me...
I'm just tired of guys, their whining and their childish attitudes!
I also wanna mean more to a guy; I wanna mean more than a wife, or a cook, or a trophy girlfriend who can't have friends! I wanna be respected in ways different from the ordinary, I wanna be treated like a queen. I wanna be pampered, be cared for, and be reassured that everything will be alright; that I am gonna be alright!

And even though I know i can't have it all, I still long for a man who's gonna be with me in my worst moments, not just because he has nowhere else to go or no one else will accept him, but because he would rather spend his time with me. I long for a man that won't mind wearing my shoes for me cause I'm tired, or getting in the kitchen cause I don't feel like cooking!
I long for the man who not only loves me, but thinks of me as his lover; and can't stay a day without hearing my voice.

I don't want a guy who sees me as a wife, because it's necessary to get married (thereby, fulfilling a family obligation). I don't want a guy that won't hear from me for a week and believe everything is alright (i.e without a bother).
I want more!
More than the guys have dated or rather, the babies have nurtured...
I need much more than what have been getting,
What I got in the past.
I want so much more in my life..
...cause I damned well deserve it!

Con amor

Friday, 8 July 2011


I initially thought the title of my blog seemed far-fetched and silly as I've got a good memory. In fact saying good is being modest, my memory is awesome and vivid (sometimes, too vivid for my own good). I remember almost everything that's happened to me since i was 5 yrs old (most of them, bad). But then, I'll love to decongest my mind a little and spill out some of those things in my head. Thus, my reason for creating a blog! My thoughts are specially comprised of; the good, the bad, and the other me that lives upstairs (i.e in my head)... Of course, our thoughts can define us to an extent, especially on who we are or who we wish to become. Well, I've got those parts: the one that just wanna be on the safe zone and predict doing the same things over and over for 10 yrs, and the other one who wants to be led wild and have lots of fun as each day passes by.

I've got a million stuff running through my head and i just wish i could pour it all out at once!

Yea, i know..... Who am i kidding right? A blog? Well, it'll help me express my feelings and i really do prefer them written rather than spoken. After all, dint they say "watch what u say, cos words cant b taken back?" Or at least something along those lines.. So here i am, ready to share my thoughts, experience, fantasies, and life stories with you all. I'm open to advices, suggestions, or insults (though i hope it won't come to that) at any time..

Con amor