Monday, 29 July 2013

My life; My rules!

I find myself wanting to find release....

It doesn't matter if I'm at work, in bed, cooking, driving, or in a meeting. I find that lately, I've been having the urge to just curl up and cry. Usually, I stop myself in the process and its good for awhile but then it starts all over again after a few hours. What brought about this behaviour, I don't know. All I know is I feel more vulnerable at the moment than I've felt my entire life, and its not a very swell feeling.

Remember what they say about strong people being the ones that cry the most? Well, that's not the case with me. I DON'T cry! This statement is more of a resolution rather than a confession. Don't get me wrong please: I do feel pain, and I feel all them emotional hurts probably more than anyone I know personally. I just don't succumb to expressing those pains and hurts in the usual way some people do. I tend to hold my pain in and bite down (hard!) on my hurts, in a way that won't make me show any emotion on the exterior. On the interior though, is a different case. I am a vessel full of pain, sorrow, frustration, hurts, and tears deep within.

I've experienced more pain than I bargained for and although I still haven't found someone who has had the intensity or amount of pain as I have, I've learnt that the most damaged of us are the ones who know how well and best to hide behind their pains. After years of hiding behind my wall, and holding negative (pain) emotions at bay, You could probably break my bone now and i still wouldn't shed a tear (*you had better put on some ear plugs just in case though*), so u can imagine how I feel when I suddenly feel like I want to cry (as in, really cry!) every other minute. I consider myself a strong lady; with flaws, but strong nonetheless. I'm currently having an episode of my crisis and I can't stop typing this post in my car, parked on the side of the road. My strength isn't determined by the amount of tears I've cried (as there haven't been much of that), but by the amount of resolve I've applied to anything I'm passionate about. I don't cry because I told myself at a young age that crying was bad for me. Crying makes me weak, and frustrated and open to more hurts. I don't cry because I made a decision and stuck to it, not because I don't feel the pain. I can feel the pain nagging my left arm at the moment, piercing at my vessels and muscles like a knife jabbing through me from the inside. I can barely raise the hand, but it won't stop me from putting down these words nor will it stop me from getting myself home in one piece.

I can feel it all and I feel pain even more, but it won't bring me to my knees nor will it make me shed a tear. I DO NOT cry, because I am Eyitayo and it's my rules....

Con amor


  1. My dear, this sounds so much like panic. What's wrong? Could it be unneccessary stress or you're just over-thinking things in your head... A decision relating to ur life, perhaps? Whatever it is, just pray over it and the Lord will give u peace.

  2. Oh dearie,this sound so scary,i can feel the pain through each line of those sentences,what is wrong?hope u're great;throughly am not happy with this write up coz its full of unbearable pain,depression,weakness,little hope of existence.whatever it is love,pls try to be hopeful,increase ur inner strength by telling urself that u're strong and u'll achieve ur goals in life.Almighty God will be with u;You will nt die young insha Allah cos u're born to be great

  3. Thank you so much, although the post wasn't meant to scare anybody. In truth, I think I panicked because I haven't had a crisis in a very long time.
    Thank you sis for the love u always show me, I love u to bits!