Wednesday, 18 March 2015
It only takes one event, one man, one word, to damage a soul for life.
I awoke with a rush, sweating profusely from the nightmare. It's 2am in the morning and I'll be unable to sleep again till morning. I am as certain of this as I am of my name because it's a frequent occurrence. The nightmares have returned this past week since the proposal. How do I tell Sola that I cannot accept his proposal; that I cannot marry any man? Will he understand that his girl is messed up? How do I tell him what disturbs me?
Sola is the first boyfriend I've had, and he is the most amazing man I know. He is gentle, loving, tolerant, and selfless. I met him 6years ago at the airport, on my way back from one of my many travels and we hit it off almost immediately. Before then, I had no interest in men. Such that all through my university days, I never as much as went on a date with a guy. How could I, when I've tasted the wickedness of man? He was amazing as a friend, and even better as my beau. After 4 long years, how do I tell this great guy that I have no interest in marriage? That I swore off any form of sexual relations with any man? That I can't stand being touched by a man? That my refusal to have sex from the beginning had nothing to do with religious beliefs? What explanation will I give for loving a man dearly due to his generosity but can't marry him due to my psychological problems?
How do I tell my boyfriend of 4years that I was brutally raped by 3 men at 15, and I still revisit every part of that terrible day in my dreams? How can I let him know that the real me is actually a damaged soul in a carcass?..