Perspectivez ...

I stare outside, seeing nothing.
The sky is a beauty to behold, but I see not its beauty tonight.
There are no stars out this night... Or is it "this morning"?
The absence of the moon also makes the sky look so gloomy.
I stare and get engulfed, not in its beauty, but in the misery it portrays.
The dark depths of the clouds reel me in and I feel like they're trying to share their secrets.
Every night, i had always admired the sky and I call them "nature's most beautiful gifts".
Tonight though, I see something else.
Tonight, I just stare...
Patiently waiting for something to happen
Finally, and as if by a miracle, something was formed in the night cloud.
I could barely see it, and had I not been concentrating hard, would have missed it.
I paid closer attention and it felt like I could see farther into the sky.
It was getting darker, stranger and it felt like a whole new world...
It was then I saw myself, or does she just look awfully a lot like me?..
I saw my life through another's eyes..
I saw how little I was, and how happy I was with all the love showered on me...
I saw how I grew a little older, maybe 5 or 6, and how the light in my eyes gradually dimmed...
I saw my mother, doing all she could to protect her little girl...
I saw myself older at the age of 10, when there was no longer smiles on my lips and the laughter in my heart had long died...
I saw the moments my mother stayed awake by my side just to make sure I was comfortable...
I saw the way I told my father as an 11year old, that I never wanted to celebrate another birthday again. I had no idea I may have hurt him with that statement...
I saw my futile attempts to be like other kids, and I saw me loosing myself deeper into misery with each failed attempt (and there was many)...
I saw how I worked hard at trying to please my father, just to get that pat on the head...
I recall the moment I gave up on my ability to work hard for "the pat"...
I saw how I was pushed into a state of depression when compared to my sister...
I saw just how much my sister adored me, and try to be like me...
I saw how hostile I was to myself and everyone around me, keeping them at arms length...
I remember the day I vowed to never shed a tear again, after showing "weakness" for being in pains...
I saw how I became untrusting from a young age...
I saw the young girl that prayed daily for the pains to stop...
I saw the bleakness in my eyes when I concluded that the Lord had forsaken me...
I saw the moment I gave up on hope, and almost prayed for death...
I remember giving up on love, and thinking I had no future...
I saw what a terrible friend I was, uncaring and self-centred...
I saw the day I shed my first real tear...
I relived the moment a ray of light entered my heart...
I smiled at the day I was given a second chance, and a reason to hope for the future...
I saw the confusion in my eyes, because I was late in making "future plans"...
I saw the way my father came to the rescue, silently acknowledging his understanding and love for me...
I see how I've continued trying to please my father, just to hear him say he is "proud" of me...
I see the way I have been trying so hard to feel like I felt at that tender age of 3; with a radiant smile on my lips, the brightest light in my eyes, and laughter in my heart...
I see how I've been desperately trying to have back the love that was showered on me years ago, which I refused due to sadness...
I see me struggling to leave behind misery and sadness to no avail...
I see me not knowing which direction to go...
I see me getting frustrated because nothing works out the way I intend...
I realise just how irresponsible I've been, caught up in my webb of childishness...
I see me trying it all the wrong ways...

... I opened my eyes to the bright sun on my face. It's morning already, and I have no idea how to keep myself busy today... I get ready for the unknown with one thought running through my mind, "Thank God I was dreaming".



Con amor