The feeling that drove me to start this blog recently reappeared, and it just makes me want to express my innermost feelings in whatever way possible (regardless of whom it may or may not hurt). I’m sorry it took me so long to write another post on this blog; I had to take some time off to work on myself and be in contact with my inner goddess. I had to make some important decisions of my life, and differentiate what I want from what is good for me.
While growing up, I had already come to terms with the fact that I never do/go for what is good for me. I never used to imagine if something was good for me as long as I wanted it. As I grow older now though, I find myself inspecting everything and deciding which is good for my health and which is harmful. My friendships have suddenly been scrutinized as well, and I find myself withdrawing from friends I feel will have a negative impact in my life probably in the nearest future. At 23, I find myself almost friendless. I have a best friend that I don’t get to see often and about 3 other friends (that I also don’t see often). I mostly find myself holding my blackberry on weekends to chat with someone (a friend), but end up dropping the phone. I usually leave my bb forgotten on weekends, as I do not expect anyone to ping me. At first, I simply assumed I was bored and that all I needed was to find an admirer I could tease and flirt with on bb to make my weekends fun, but isn’t that just another form of unseriousness?
My big brother accused me a few weeks ago that I was very confused and unserious, and although I denied it out rightly, I’ve had time to think things through. What I’ve come to terms with now is that he is right. Never in a million years did I assume I would actually admit it but, I am truly confused and unserious. I find myself starting things without ending them; loosing focus on my aimed goal. I find myself giving excuses for failure, and not aiming high enough. I find myself not doing enough to make me an asset to my community. I find myself expecting so much from people around me as well as friends, but I realise I do not give myself such high expectations. I always find words to justify my every action, when I’m supposed to embrace the criticisms and surge ahead to do it better. I find that I am not as ambitious as I really should be, and I give up easily when things get rough. I have realised that I have been in my comfort zone all my life because it feels safe and I’m scared to venture outside it in fear of what I may find!
What I also found out, is that I am not a very good judge of character and so it is not my place to determine which friend maybe harmful to me and which is good. The good friends I picked out are also my safe zone, and I feel comfortable around them, but how can I say “I lived” when I don’t actually leave my haven to live? When I don’t have stories to tell about my life and my friends...
How could I possibly feel alive?!