For some time now, my life has been a pack of confused thoughts jammed together in a container too small for it. Anyone would think, it had to be fun with the over spilling of emotions n all but trust me, it ain't!. It ain't fun at all when I sit for 24hours a day, for a whole weekend reading novels and watching tv. And it definitely ain't fun when I then go to work, and repeat the same sitting all day routine. Seeing the same people, having the same conversations, eating the same food, laughing at the same stories, getting angry at the same things,.... It all just get tiring at times!
I doubt it if you understand me, and I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense to you, but I think you've already figured out the part that says I'm confused! Contrary to what you may think by now, I'm not bored. I'm just too confused to know what to do first and what comes next. I don't even know how to arrange my words, or should I say express it in a better way? Okay!, let's assume I know what comes 1st and that happens to be work. What comes next? Or better still, what do I do after work to give my life meaning? I dunno what others define that as, but I think that's the problem I've been battling with inside.
"CONTENTMENT" or should I say, FULFILMENT?
I really don't know the the right words to use where and when right now, and it feels real good to write this kinda piece. A note that potrays just how confused and perplexed I really am!
From someone else's perspective, I may appear to have a good life, and I may even appear happy and content. Oh, but it's not that easy (no matter how much you and i wish it were)!. Aiiryt I know I'm starting to sound confused again, just bear with me please. Thing is; I'm a very happy person, and I smile a lot but unfortunately, there's a lot of difference between being a happy person and actually being happy! In this case, with one's achievements. I think the problem is that I don't feel as though I've achieved anything in life, and maybe that's true because I haven't! This truth registered in my head just yesterday when I was having a chat with my girlfriend. I realised that although I may hold a Bachelor's degree, and I may have a good paying job, I haven't achieved anything! (except if you count the creation of this blog, which was a very bold step for me if I may add)..
I mean, is that all to life? Study hard, get a few degrees, work, make money or make a living, maybe get married, make babies, then make them start the whole routine all over again. Is that really all there is to life?! Don't we have a greater purpose for being here, at this time, to do something more meaningful? Shouldn't there be something else in the routine?
The more I think, the more I have questions; and the more the questions run through my mind, the more I get confused. I'm sure you're starting to understand the reason behind my confusion now. I feel like it's just me, like it's my mind driving me crazy on purpose. My girlfriend accused me of "being too guarded even when I don't realise it, of not letting anyone in". If I do let anyone in my head, will they not go crazy with my thoughts? I promised her that I'm gonna change, that I'm gonna stop storing stuffs inside and I intend to go through wit the promise.
But where to start?! That's another confusion brewing!
Note that if you do understand this post, you're probably as confused as I am!