Talk!
We did, and what he told me hurt a lot more than seeing him with another woman that morning. Rokan told me that I was a nobody, literally. He admitted to consciously starting our relationship as a mere fling, and how he ended up falling in love with me. He told me how many sleepless nights he had been through, because of his guilt and confused state. He told me everything sweet and reassuring, but I am still the “trash” in his life. I am the side chick, the mistress, the lover, the kept woman, the secret. I have been sitting on the other side of the fence and I didn’t even know it. The other woman, that many girlfriends curse for even existing at all.
Rokan and the lady I saw that morning had been dating for over 6years. She is the one every member of his family knew as “wifey”, asides the small exception of his kid sister and brother (only members of his family I knew). He described their relationship in detail to me, and how much help she rendered when he was struggling to educate himself. He admitted to loving her a lot until he met me. According to him, her family had begun prepping for an engagement that they believed would take place between them sometime that year. He knelt before me and begged me for mercy. The way he wept like a newborn drew my heart to him, and I held him in my arms while trying to make sense of it all. We ended up making love right there in the living room.
Some time has passed since then, and we sort of went back to our routine. Of course, things had changed. I was more conscious of the danger I was in- (emotionally, physically, spiritually and psychologically), and less confident of his love for me. This is the man, the only man that has given me amazing experiences. He has loved me, respected my intellect and worshipped my body. This is the man that makes my world brighter when he was around. He made the butterflies in my tummy blush. Rokan has made my life meaningful in the past year that we have been dating. I know that I should have left him since I found out I was his side girl, but he has given me a reason to truly live. I just can't stop loving him, and I am not even willing to let go of him. The feeling was mutual, but he also felt indebted to the other woman. He had stopped saying it to my face that he was also in love with her, but I knew he was. He loved that woman a lot, only I have no idea if it is as much as he loves me or less. I knew what the right thing to do was- leave the couple alone to spend their lives happily ever after. But I can’t. I wasn’t willing to leave him as it might jeopardise my sanity. He is my first and only. My body yearns for his, and only his touch. He’s the man I connect with on every level, next to perfection. He has become a drug for my addiction. Hell, he IS my addiction! How can I give him up to another? Is it selfish of me? Is it wicked? Is it stupid, or irresponsible? Is it wrong? Is it worst of all sins?… I have beaten myself up over this for the past couple of months, but I choose my own happiness. I know that every principle I represent opposes what I currently am, and I will probably come to hate myself more than I already have, but I choose to be selfish this time. I want to satisfy me first, before anyone else. None of these changes the fact that I am the other woman, but Rokan keeps giving me a sense of hope with his love. It's like I only exist in my own little bubble of the world now. This happiness can’t only be my imagination, can it? I try to ignore many things, but how can I ignore this life that is inhibited, and without a promise of tomorrow?.
One day at a time, he says “Baby, let’s just take each day as it comes”…
Some time has passed since then, and we sort of went back to our routine. Of course, things had changed. I was more conscious of the danger I was in- (emotionally, physically, spiritually and psychologically), and less confident of his love for me. This is the man, the only man that has given me amazing experiences. He has loved me, respected my intellect and worshipped my body. This is the man that makes my world brighter when he was around. He made the butterflies in my tummy blush. Rokan has made my life meaningful in the past year that we have been dating. I know that I should have left him since I found out I was his side girl, but he has given me a reason to truly live. I just can't stop loving him, and I am not even willing to let go of him. The feeling was mutual, but he also felt indebted to the other woman. He had stopped saying it to my face that he was also in love with her, but I knew he was. He loved that woman a lot, only I have no idea if it is as much as he loves me or less. I knew what the right thing to do was- leave the couple alone to spend their lives happily ever after. But I can’t. I wasn’t willing to leave him as it might jeopardise my sanity. He is my first and only. My body yearns for his, and only his touch. He’s the man I connect with on every level, next to perfection. He has become a drug for my addiction. Hell, he IS my addiction! How can I give him up to another? Is it selfish of me? Is it wicked? Is it stupid, or irresponsible? Is it wrong? Is it worst of all sins?… I have beaten myself up over this for the past couple of months, but I choose my own happiness. I know that every principle I represent opposes what I currently am, and I will probably come to hate myself more than I already have, but I choose to be selfish this time. I want to satisfy me first, before anyone else. None of these changes the fact that I am the other woman, but Rokan keeps giving me a sense of hope with his love. It's like I only exist in my own little bubble of the world now. This happiness can’t only be my imagination, can it? I try to ignore many things, but how can I ignore this life that is inhibited, and without a promise of tomorrow?.
One day at a time, he says “Baby, let’s just take each day as it comes”…
...Con Amor
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