Eyitayo, happy birthday to you!
I hope your birthday is everything you hope it would be; boring & unworthy of celebration. How do I know? Because I am YOU! Well, I used to be you, 15 years ago. I also know right now, that you're scared shitless. You are currently wondering if this year will be your last, and you're wondering if living was actually worth it if you never experienced any of the things you read & wrote about- love, partying, sex, and freedom of the mind. My advice for this? DON'T DO IT. Stop worrying and just do you. Trust me when I tell you, that you don't really like any of those things. You're classy that way. The experience wasn't worth the pain and drama. Yes, you did meet a nice boy that you convinced yourself into loving, but it truly doesn't work that way. Love, like you used to write about and failed to read yourself, is not supposed to be spoken into existence. It's just supposed to be. Your kindness, commitment and tolerance will not matter. Resist the urge to accept the challenge of love. Boys are bad for you right now, so focus on yourself, invest in self love, your religion and learn the art of being happy with oneself quicker.
I do have good news for you though, we DID make it! Of course we had several close calls, but we made it out alive every time. Today, as we turn 34, I chose to write this letter to you in case it makes it way to you by some miraculous chance. I spent 15 difficult years worrying and waiting for the crisis or pain that will make me take my final breath. My precious Eyitayo, you don't have to do the same. It's okay to worry about life, but don't spend every minute of each day worried about dying. Everyone will die eventually, but having no regrets when we do die should be the aim. I need you to do better, so please live your life to the fullest!. Remember the promises we made as a little girl, that we would always be a good and responsible girl for our family? We are doing a good job of it, albeit some mistakes and misjudgements. Do not allow doubts to creep into your mind, that you are not worthy of your ambitions and dreams. The doubt and fear will slowly kill you from within, faster than sickle cell anemia.
As of today, in the year 2023, I am finding it very difficult to remember who you are, what you enjoyed, things you loved to do, and what you are interested in. I really did lose my way and allowed my mind to live for me, in fear. Please do not make the same mistake I did. Live in the present, enjoy every moment, love with your heart fully & completely, and trust cautiously. Don't be pressured into doing what you never wanted to do, believe me, we spent the past 15 years hurting inside, disappointed in ourselves, and wishing we hadn't. Sometimes, we have even gone as far as self-loathing, so do you see why investing hugely in loving yourself is important? We still don't believe in regrets, but we have a difficult time reconciling with some of our actions. Right now Eyitayo, you haven't made much, but if you listen to me, you might be able to keep it that way.
Do you remember when I said that boys are bad for you now? You might wonder, at 19? Calm down darling, you did not suddenly become a lesbian. I am telling you to give yourself more time. Learn more about yourself and pay close attention to your stress triggers. We found that boys trigger us emotionally which sometimes makes the pain come.
You have to prepare yourself sweetheart, because there's a storm brewing up towards you right now. This is what changed us completely in the course of time. At 34, we have been to the theatre about 7 times. I'm not proud to say this, but I did not handle it well for us, so I think I should equip you with the important information you need to sail through.
1) In a few months (precisely September 2008), you will have acute chest syndrome for the first time and slip into a coma. You will be rejected for fear of dying by a hospital, but pay no attention to that; you spent almost 2 weeks in a coma attached to a life support machine; many cells in your body would begin to shut down and you would miraculously wake with a PCV lower of about 5% ; you'll miss the planned trip to the US but let go of that disappointment quickly; you spent months recuperating in the hospital and at home, making you resume your final year a little late; and what probably hurt you most was the beautiful textured voice you lost, this made you stop singing to even soothe your pain. Please DO NOT EVER stop singing to make yourself better!.
2) Almost immediately after your 20th birthday in March 2009 (barely 4 months after your late resumption), you will begin to have extremely painful aches, that will get worse with each passing day, making it difficult to walk, study, drive and focus. This will make you reliant on ibuprofen and Diclofenac a lot. During one of the really bad episodes, you will admit yourself at the University teaching hospital and a nurse will tell you about pentazocine injection, and how it would help you manage your crisis by yourself. Please sweetness, DO NOT LISTEN TO HER.
3) Also, do not ignore those pains as mere chronic crisis. Nothing is supposed to hurt that much. You endured it in silence while popping ibuprofen pills for almost 7 months. On October 22nd 2009 (on the exact day you resumed uni in 2005), you will be diagnosed with Avascular necrosis of both hips and your condition would have detoriated badly by then. Both hips would be rapidly collapsing and the hip bone would be resting on jagged edges of the femur. Fear not, you will eventually get a total hip replacement in May and July 2010 for each hip. My advice though, please DO NOT fight the pain. It's unending, so just allow it to run its course. DO NOT refuse help when it's offered and DON'T shut down just because people say sorry to you. You pushed out every one away from your life, and even your family barely made it. Jummie is the only one whose love and devotion was unwavering. She stuck by you and refused to leave. She drowned you in so much love, and never treated you different from usual. STOP being so damn strong as to think you can take on anything or pain, this made you refuse using crutches, for a mere walking stick, for several months until you could no longer stand.
4) You made it through school. Graduated with a second class lower against all odds, and submitted an incredible research project that was accepted by physiological societies around the world. Mr Kazeem had to go defend that by himself due to your condition but he was genuinely a big brother to you all through uni. You deferred your NYSC, but still had to do it with crutches. You no longer travelled to Ontario to major in blood physiology, so I suggest you begin to make a backup plan. You ended up working for Daddy, and even though you gave it your all & did the work incredibly, it also did not help you psychologically.
5) When you became ready to get better, you went to Kaduna at 32, and met the most incredible team of fellows/friends ever. Your name became Athena, so you can start using it already since it is the most amazing nickname ever (plus no one ever gave you a nickname anyways)
6) After your 2 surgeries in 2010, as well as almost 2 months hospital stay due to complications during surgery, INSIST on going for therapy for your mental health. You looked okay, but you really weren't. The entire ordeal left you in self doubt, and great fear. Talk to someone about your nightmares, take out time to heal, and CRY! Cry your lungs out Eyitayo. Crying doesn't make you weak, it only signifies acceptance & empathy. None of what happened was ever your fault. God is not so cruel, so DON'T you dare blame him. He had his plans for us. He wanted us to be stronger for the many more years we had ahead, so DON'T stop praying like I did SONT stop believing in HIM, because your entire life journey alone is a miracle worth testimony. I mentioned that you would wish you never had a boyfriend earlier because you began to tell yourself that if only you never had a boyfriend, maybe you wouldn't have an acute chest syndrome that night, and maybe you wouldn't have slipped into a coma, and maybe the avascular necrosis wouldn't have come... But if all that hadn't happened, what might have happened? Stroke? Organ failure? Death?
7) DO NOT ever forget who you are my love, because currently, we are struggling with your identity.
8) DO NOT allow your parents to transfer their fears unto you. Allow them to love you & love them back, but live your own life and follow your dreams. DO NOT allow anyone to tell you that you're incapable of doing anything.
9) If you could see us now, you would be disappointed. We did everything wrong and became all the things you said you never wanted to be. We have been working for dad since NYSC in 2010 (over 12 years), and spent 11 of those years always high on pentazocine injection. As I said earlier, DO NOT LISTEN to that nurse. Even though you didn't take the injection throughout the excruciatingly painful period, you began to fear pain every crisis after that felt like another terrible pain waiting to happen and you turned towards injection for the first time in 2011, after the entire ordeal. If you find yourself in a situation, become too overwhelmed and make the mistake of taking the injection, don't be disappointed at yourself, just seek help for us immediately. I wish I had done that quicker, but always remember that your life is a precious cargo my darling.
10) Finally, ALWAYS listen to your sister. She has only the best advice and intentions for you. She is indeed our world and everything we love in it.
The ONLY thing we did right in the past 15 years, is never allowing our smile to wither away. We have smiled through it all, and are still smiling.
HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY TO YOU, AND 34TH BIRTHDAY TO US, EYITAYO. ALWAYS REMEMBER TO NEVER LEAVE YOUR SMILE BEHIND!!!!
All my love,
Your future self!..
